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gain； LORD； HOW COULDST THOU FIND OUT SUCH A WORD AS THIS！ For I was filled with admiration at the fitness； and at the unexpectedness of the sentence； the fitness of the word； the rightness of the timing of it； the power； and sweetness； and light； and glory that came with it also； were marvellous to me to find： I was now； for the time； out of doubt； as to that about which I was so much in doubt before； my fears before WERE； that my sin was not pardonable； and so that I had no right to pray； to repent； etc。； or that； if I did； it would be of no advantage or profit to me。 But now； thought I； if THIS SIN is not unto death； then it is pardonable； therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy； to consider the promise of forgiveness； as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others。 This therefore was a great easement to my mind； to wit； that my sin was pardonable； that it was not the sin unto death （1 John v。 16； 17）。 None but those that know what my trouble （by their own experience） was； can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration： it was a release to me from my former bonds； and a shelter from the former storm： I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners； and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they。
189。 Now I say； I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable； but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness。 But oh！ how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again！ But he could by no means do it； neither this day； nor the most part of the next； for this good sentence stood like a mill…post at my back： yet towards the evening of the next day； I felt this word begin to leave me； and to withdraw its supportation from me； and so I returned to my old fears again； but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness； for I feared the sorrow of despair； nor could my faith now long retain this word。
190。 But the next day at evening； being under many fears； I went to seek the Lord； and as I prayed； I cried； and my soul cried to Him in these words； with strong cries： O LORD； I BESEECH THEE； SHOW ME THAT THOU HAST LOVED ME WITH EVERLASTING LOVE。 Jer。 xxxi。 3。 I had no sooner said it； but with sweetness this returned upon me； as an echo； or sounding again； I HAVE LOVED THEE WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE。 Now I went to bed in quiet； also when I awakened the next morning； it was fresh upon my soul； and I believed it。
191。 But yet the tempter left me not； for it could not be so little as an hundred times； that he that day did labour to then break my peace。 Oh！ the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with； as I strove to hold by this word； that of ESAU would fly in my face like lightning： I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour； yet God did bear me up； and keep my heart upon this word； from which I had also； for several days together； very much sweetness； and comfortable hopes of pardon： for thus it was made out unto me； I LOVED THEE WHILST THOU WAST COMMITTING THIS SIN； I LOVED THEE BEFORE； I LOVE THEE STILL； AND I WILL LOVE THEE FOR EVER。
192。 Yet I saw my sin most barbarous； and a filthy crime； and could not but conclude； and that with great shame and astonishment； that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God： wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him； and my bowels to yearn towards Him； for I saw He was still my friend； and did reward me good for evil； yea； the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ； did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him； that to speak as I then thought； had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins； I could freely then have spilt it all； at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour。
193。 And as I was thus in musing； and in my studies； considering how to love the Lord； and to express my love to Him； that saying came in upon me； IF THOU； LORD； SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES； O LORD； WHO SHOULD STAND？ BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE； THAT THOU MAYEST BE FEARED。 Psalm cxxx。 3； 4。 These were good words to me； especially the latter part thereof； to wit； that there is forgiveness with the Lord； that He might be feared； that is； as then I understood it； that He might be loved； and had in reverence； for it was thus made out to me； THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES； THAT RATHER THAN HE WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE； HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS。
194。 And now was that word fulfilled on me； and I was also refreshed by it； THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED； AND NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE； BECAUSE OF THY SHAME； WHEN I AM PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE； SAITH THE LORD GOD。 Ezek。 xvi。 63。 Thus was my soul at this time （and as I then did think for ever） set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement。
195。 But before many weeks were gone； I began to despond again； fearing； lest； notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed； that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last； for this consideration came strong into my mind； THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE； YET UNLESS THERE COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT； A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN THE SCRIPTURES； LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF； AND HOLD IT NEVER SO FAST； I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END； AND THE SCRIPTURE CANNOT BE BROKEN。 John x。 35。
196。 Now began my heart again to ache； and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last。 Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort； and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done； might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God； laid down in those words； by which I had been comforted； and on which I had leaned myself： but now were brought those sayings to my mind。 FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE ONCE ENLIGHTENED； AND HAVE TASTED OF THE HEAVENLY GIFT； AND WERE MADE PARTAKERS OF THE HOLY GHOST； AND HAVE TASTED THE GOOD WORD OF GOD； AND THE POWERS OF THE WORLD TO COME； IF THEY SHALL FALL AWAY； TO RENEW THEM AGAIN UNTO REPENTANCE。 Heb。 vi。 4…6。 FOR； IF WE SIN WILFULLY； AFTER WE HAVE RECEIVED THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH； THERE REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE FOR SIN； BUT A CERTAIN FEARFUL LOOKING FOR OF JUDGMENT； AND FIERY INDIGNATION； WHICH SHALL DEVOUR THE ADVERSARIES。 Heb。 x。 26； 27。 AS ESAU； WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT； SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT。 FOR YE KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARD； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED； FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。 Heb。 xii。 16； 17。
197。 Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul； so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me： and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me； REJOICE NOT； O ISRAEL； FOR JOY； AS OTHER PEOPLE。 Hos。 ix。 1。 For I saw indeed； there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus； but for me； I had cut myself off by my transgressions； and left myself neither foot…hold； or hand…hold； among all the stays and props in the precious word of life。
198。 And truly； I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph； as an house whose foundation is destroyed； I did liken myself in this condition； unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill… pit； who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water； yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot； therefore at last it must die in that condition。 So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul； that scripture came into my heart； This FOR MANY DAYS。 Dan。 x。 14。 And indeed I found it was so； for I could not be delivered； nor brought to peace again； until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished。 Wherefore these words； though in themselves； they tended to discouragement； yet to me； who feared this condition would be eternal； they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me。
199。 For； thought I； MANY DAYS are not for ever； MANY DAYS will have an end； therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but MANY DAYS； yet I was glad it was but FOR MANY DAYS。 Thus； I say； I would recall myself sometimes； and give myself an help； for as soon as ever the words came into my mind； at first； I knew my trouble would be long； yet this would be but sometimes； for I could not always think on this； nor ever be helped by it； though I did。
200。 Now while the scriptures lay before me； and laid sin anew at my door； that saying； in Luke xviii。 1； with others； did encourage me to prayer： then the tempter laid again at me very sore； suggesting； THAT NEITHER THE MERCY OF GOD； NOR YET THE BLOOD OF CHRIST； DID AT ALL CONCERN ME； NOR COULD THEY HELP ME FOR MY SIN； THEREFORE IT WAS BUT IN VAIN TO PRAY。 Yet； thought I； I WILL PRAY。 BUT； said the tempter； YOUR SIN IS UNPARDONABLE。 Well； said I； I WILL PRAY。 'Tis to no boot； said he。 Yet said I； I WILL PRAY。 So I went to prayer to God； and while I was at prayer； I utter