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my earnings； how much it was I have forgotten； and now look at me； all
of you！ It's the fifth day since I left home； and they are looking for
me there and it's the end of my employment； and my uniform is lying in
a tavern on the Egyptian bridge。 I exchanged it for the garments I
have on。。。 and it's the end of everything！〃
Marmeladov struck his forehead with his fist； clenched his teeth；
closed his eyes and leaned heavily with his elbow on the table。 But
a minute later his face suddenly changed and with a certain assumed
slyness and affectation of bravado； he glanced at Raskolnikov； laughed
and said：
〃This morning I went to see Sonia； I went to ask her for a
pick…me…up！ He…he…he！〃
〃You don't say she gave it to you？〃 cried one of the new…comers；
he shouted the words and went off into a guffaw。
〃This very quart was bought with her money；〃 Marmeladov declared；
addressing himself exclusively to Raskolnikov。 〃Thirty copecks she
gave me with her own hands； her last； all she had； as I saw。。。。 She
said nothing； she only looked at me without a word。。。。 Not on earth；
but up yonder。。。 they grieve over men； they weep； but they don't blame
them； they don't blame them！ But it hurts more； it hurts more when
they don't blame！ Thirty copecks yes！ And maybe she needs them now；
eh？ What do you think； my dear sir？ For now she's got to keep up her
appearance。 It costs money； that smartness； that special smartness；
you know？ Do you understand？ And there's pomatum； too； you see； she
must have things； petticoats； starched ones； shoes； too； real jaunty
ones to show off her foot when she has to step over a puddle。 Do you
understand； sir； do you understand what all that smartness means？
And here I； her own father； here I took thirty copecks of that money
for a drink！ And I am drinking it！ And I have already drunk it！
Come； who will have pity on a man like me； eh？ Are you sorry for me；
sir； or not？ Tell me； sir； are you sorry or not？ He…he…he！〃
He would have filled his glass； but there was no drink left。 The pot
was empty。
〃What are you to be pitied for？〃 shouted the tavern…keeper who was
again near them。
Shouts of laughter and even oaths followed。 The laughter and the
oaths came from those who were listening and also from those who had
heard nothing but were simply looking at the figure of the
discharged government clerk。
〃To be pitied！ Why am I to be pitied？〃 Marmeladov suddenly
declaimed； standing up with his arm outstretched； as though he had
been only waiting for that question。
〃Why am I to be pitied； you say？ Yes！ there's nothing to pity me
for！ I ought to be crucified； crucified on a cross； not pitied！
Crucify me； oh judge； crucify me but pity me！ And then I will go of
myself to be crucified； for it's not merry…making I seek but tears and
tribulation！。。。 Do you suppose； you that sell； that this pint of yours
has been sweet to me？ It was tribulation I sought at the bottom of it；
tears and tribulation； and have found it； and I have tasted it； but He
will pity us Who has had pity on all men； Who has understood all men
and all things； He is the One。 He too is the judge。 He will come in
that day and He will ask： 'Where is the daughter who gave herself
for her cross； consumptive step…mother and for the little children
of another？ Where is the daughter who had pity upon the filthy
drunkard； her earthly father； undismayed by his beastliness？' And He
will say； 'Come to me！ I have already forgiven thee once。。。。 I have
forgiven thee once。。。。 Thy sins which are many are forgiven thee for
thou hast loved much。。。。' And he will forgive my Sonia； He will
forgive； I know it。。。 I felt it in my heart when I was with her just
now！ And He will judge and will forgive all； the good and the evil；
the wise and the meek。。。。 And when He has done with all of them；
then He will summon us。 'You too come forth；' He will say； 'Come forth
ye drunkards； come forth； ye weak ones； come forth； ye children of
shame！' And we shall all come forth； without shame and shall stand
before him。 And He will say unto us； 'Ye are swine； made in the
Image of the Beast and with his mark； but come ye also！' And the
wise ones and those of understanding will say； 'Oh Lord； why dost Thou
receive these men？' And He will say； 'This is why I receive them； oh
ye wise； this is why I receive them； oh ye of understanding； that
not one of them believed himself to be worthy of this。' And He will
hold out His hands to us and we shall fall down before him。。。 and we
shall weep。。。 and we shall understand all things！ Then we shall
understand all！。。。 and all will understand； Katerina Ivanovna
even。。。 she will understand。。。。 Lord； Thy kingdom come！〃 And he sank
down on the bench exhausted； and helpless； looking at no one；
apparently oblivious of his surroundings and plunged in deep
thought。 His words had created a certain impression； there was a
moment of silence； but soon laughter and oaths were heard again。
〃That's his notion！〃
〃Talked himself silly！〃
〃A fine clerk he is！〃
And so on； and so on。
〃Let us go； sir；〃 said Marmeladov all at once； raising his head
and addressing Raskolnikov… 〃come along with me。。。 Kozel's house；
looking into the yard。 I'm going to Katerina Ivanovna… time I did。〃
Raskolnikov had for some time been wanting to go and he had meant to
help him。 Marmeladov was much unsteadier on his legs than in his
speech and leaned heavily on the young man。 They had two or three
hundred paces to go。 The drunken man was more and more overcome by
dismay and confusion as they drew nearer the house。
〃It's not Katerina Ivanovna I am afraid of now；〃 he muttered in
agitation… 〃and that she will begin pulling my hair。 What does my hair
matter！ Bother my hair！ That's what I say！ Indeed it will be better if
she does begin pulling it； that's not what I am afraid of。。。 it's
her eyes I am afraid of。。。 yes； her eyes。。。 the red on her cheeks；
too； frightens me。。。 and her breathing too。。。。 Have you noticed how
people in that disease breathe。。。 when they are excited？ I am
frightened of the children's crying； too。。。。 For if Sonia has not
taken them food。。。 I don't know what's happened！ I don't know！ But
blows I am not afraid of。。。。 Know； sir； that such blows are not a pain
to me； but even an enjoyment。 In fact I can't get on without it。。。。
It's better so。 Let her strike me； it relieves her heart。。。 it's
better so。。。 There is the house。 The house of Kozel； the cabinet
maker。。。 a German； well…to…do。 Lead the way！〃
They went in from the yard and up to the fourth storey。 The
staircase got darker and darker as they went up。 It was nearly
eleven o'clock and although in summer in Petersburg there is no real
night； yet it was quite dark at the top of the stairs。
A grimy little door at the very top of the stairs stood ajar。 A very
poor…looking room about ten paces long was lighted up by a candle…end；
the whole of it was visible from the entrance。 It was all in disorder；
littered up with rags of all sorts； especially children's garments。
Across the furthest corner was stretched a ragged sheet。 Behind it
probably was the bed。 There was nothing in the room except two
chairs and a sofa covered with American leather； full of holes； before
which stood an old deal kitchen…table； unpainted and uncovered。 At the
edge of the table stood a smoldering tallow…candle in an iron
candlestick。 It appeared that the family had a room to themselves； not
part of a room； but their room was practically a passage。 The door
leading to the other rooms； or rat