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It is to be done； _if I can count on Allan Armadale's death in a
given time。_
〃All but his death is easy。 The whole series of events under
which I have been blindly chafing and fretting for more than a
week past have been； one and allthough I was too stupid to see
itevents in my favor； events paving the way smoothly and more
smoothly straight to the end。
〃In three bold stepsonly three！that end might be reached。 Let
Midwinter marry me privately； under his real namestep the
first！ Let Armadale leave Thorpe Ambrose a single man； and die in
some distant place among strangersstep the second！
〃Why am I hesitating？ Why not go on to step the third； and last？
〃I _will_ go on。 Step the third； and last； is my appearance；
after the announcement of Armadale's death has reached this
neighborhood； in the character of Armadale's widow； with my
marriage certificate in my hand to prove my claim。 It is as clear
as the sun at noonday。 Thanks to the exact similarity between the
two names； and thanks to the careful manner in which the secret
of that similarity has been kept； I may be the wife of the dark
Allan Armadale； known as such to nobody but my husband and
myself； and I may； out of that very position； claim the character
of widow of the light Allan Armadale； with proof to support me
（in the shape of my marriage certificate） which would be proof in
the estimation of the most incredulous person living。
〃To think of my having put all this in my Diary！ To think of my
having actually contemplated this very situation； and having seen
nothing more in it； at the time； than a reason （if I married
Midwinter） for consenting to appear in the world under my
husband's assumed name！
〃What is it daunts me？ The dread of obstacles？ The fear of
discovery？
〃Where are the obstacles？ Where is the fear of discovery？
〃I am actually suspected all over the neighborhood of intriguing
to be mistress of Thorpe Ambrose。 I am the only person who knows
the real turn that Armadale's inclinations have taken。 Not a
creature but myself is as yet aware of his early morning meetings
with Miss Milroy。 If it is necessary to part them； I can do it at
any moment by an anonymous line to the major。 If it is necessary
to remove Armadale from Thorpe Ambrose； I can get him away at
three days' notice。 His own lips informed me； when I last spoke
to him； that he would go to the ends of the earth to be friends
again with Midwinter； if Midwinter would let him。 I have only to
tell Midwinter to write from London； and ask to be reconciled；
and Midwinter would obey meand to London Armadale would go。
Every difficulty； at starting； is smoothed over ready to my hand。
Every after…difficulty I could manage for myself。 In the whole
venturedesperate as it looks to pass myself off for the widow
of one man； while I am all the while the wife of the otherthere
is absolutely no necessity that wants twice considering； but the
one terrible necessity of Armadale's death。
〃His death！ It might be a terrible necessity to any other woman；
but is it； ought it to be terrible to Me？
〃I hate him for his mother's sake。 I hate him for his own sake。 I
hate him for going to London behind my back； and making inquiries
about me。 I hate him for forcing me out of my situation before I
wanted to go。 I hate him for destroying all my hopes of marrying
him； and throwing me back helpless on my own miserable life。 But；
oh； after what I have done already in the past time； how can I？
how can I？
〃The girl； toothe girl who has come between us； who has taken
him away from me； who has openly insulted me this very dayhow
the girl whose heart is set on him would feel it if he died！ What
a vengeance on _her；_ if I did it！ And when I was received as
Armadale's widow what a triumph fo r _me。_ Triumph！ It is more
than triumphit is the salvation of me。 A name that can't be
assailed； a station that can't be assailed； to hide myself in
from my past life！ Comfort； luxury； wealth！ An income of twelve
hundred a year secured to me secured by a will which has been
looked at by a lawyer： secured independently of anything Armadale
can say or do himself！ I never had twelve hundred a year。 At my
luckiest time； I never had half as much； really my own。 What have
I got now？ Just five pounds left in the worldand the prospect
next week of a debtor's prison。
〃But； oh； after what I have done already in the past time； how
can I？ how can I？
〃Some womenin my place； and with my recollections to look back
onwould feel it differently。 Some women would say； 'It's easier
the second time than the first。' Why can't I？ why can't I？
〃Oh； you Devil tempting me； is there no Angel near to raise some
timely obstacle between this and to…morrow which might help me to
give it up？
〃I shall sink under itI shall sink； if I write or think of it
any more！ I'll shut up these leaves and go out again。 I'll get
some common person to come with me； and we will talk of common
things。 I'll take out the woman of the house； and her children。
We will go and see something。 There is a show of some kind in the
townI'll treat them to it。 I'm not such an ill…natured woman
when I try； and the landlady has really been kind to me。 Surely I
might occupy my mind a little in seeing her and her children
enjoying themselves。
〃A minute since； I shut up these leaves as I said I would； and
now I have opened them again； I don't know why。 I think my brain
is turned。 I feel as if something was lost out of my mind； I feel
as if I ought to find it here
〃I have found it！ _Midwinter！！！_
〃Is it possible that I can have been thinking of the reasons For
and Against； for an hour pastwriting Midwinter's name over and
over againspeculating seriously on marrying himand all the
time not once remembering that； even with every other impediment
removed； _he_ alone； when the time came； would be an
insurmountable obstacle in my way？ Has the effort to face the
consideration of Armadale's death absorbed me to _that_ degree？ I
suppose it has。 I can't account for such extraordinary
forgetfulness on my part in any other way。
〃Shall I stop and think it out； as I have thought out all the
rest？ Shall I ask myself if the obstacle of Midwinter would；
after all； when the time came； be the unmanageable obstacle that
it looks at present？ No！ What need is there to think of it？ I
have made up my mind to get the better of the temptation。 I have
made up my mind to give my landlady and her children a treat； I
have made up my mind to close my Diary。 And closed it shall be。
〃Six o'clock。The landlady's gossip is unendurable； the
landlady's children distract me。 I have left them to run back
here before post time and write a line to Mrs。 Oldershaw。
〃The dread that I shall sink under the temptation has grown
stronger and stronger on me。 I have determined to put it beyond
my power to have my own way and follow my own will。 Mother
Oldershaw shall be the salvation of me for the first time since I
have known her。 If I can't pay my note of hand； she threatens me
with an arrest。 Well； she _shall_ arrest me。 In the state my mind
is in now； the best thing that can happen to me is to be taken
away from Thorpe Ambrose； whether I like it or not。 I will write
and say that I am to be found here I will write and tell her； in
so many words； that the best service she can render me is to lock
me up。
〃Seven o'clock。The letter has gone to the post。 I had begun to
feel a little easier； when the children came in to thank me for
taking them to the show。 One of them is a girl； and the girl
upset me。 She is a forward child； and her hair is nearly the
color of mine。 She said； 'I shall be like you when I have grown
bigger； shan't I？' Her idiot of a mother said； 'Please to excuse
her； miss；' and took her out of the room； laughing。 Like me！ I
don't pretend to be fond of the child； but think of her being
like Me！
〃Saturday morning。I have done well for once in acting on
impulse； and writing as I did to Mrs。 Oldershaw。 The only new
circumstance that has happened is another circumstance in my
favor！
〃Major Milroy has answered Armadale's letter； entreating
permission to call at the cottage and justify himself。 His
daughter read it in silence； when Armadale handed it to her at
their meeting this morning； in the park。 But they talked about it
afterward； loud enough for me to hear them。 The major persists in
the course he has taken。 He says his opinion of Armadale's
conduct has been formed； not on common report； but on Armadale's
own letters； and he sees no reason to alter the conclusion at
which he arrived when the correspondence between them was closed。
〃This little matter had； I confess； slipped out of my memory。 It
might have ended awkwardly for _me。_ If Major Milroy had been
less obstinately wedded to his own opinion； Armadale might have
justified himself； the marriage engagement might have been
acknowledged； and all _my_ power of influencing the matter might
have been at an end。 As it is； they must continue to keep the
engagement strictly secret； and Miss Milroy； who has never
ventured herself near the great house since the thunder…storm
forced her into it for shelter； will be less likely