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West retained recollection of a gentlemanly figure； always in a very
gorgeous waistcoat； with Dundreary whiskers； to be seen occasionally
there behind the counter。 All customers it would refer； with the air of a
Lord High Chamberlain introducing debutantes； to Mrs。 Postwhistle；
evidently regarding itself purely as ornamental。 For the last ten years；
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however； no one had noticed it there； and Mrs。 Postwhistle had a facility
amounting almost to genius for ignoring or misunderstanding questions
it was not to her taste to answer。 Most things were suspected； nothing
known。 St。 Dunstan…in…the…West had turned to other problems。
〃If I wasn't wanting to see 'im；〃 remarked to herself Mrs。 Postwhistle；
who was knitting with one eye upon the shop； 〃'e'd a been 'ere 'fore I'd
'ad time to clear the dinner things away； certain to 'ave been。 It's a
strange world。〃
Mrs。 Postwhistle was desirous for the arrival of a gentleman not
usually awaited with impatience by the ladies of Rolls Courtto wit； one
William Clodd； rent…collector； whose day for St。 Dunstan… in…the…West was
Tuesday。
〃At last；〃 said Mrs。 Postwhistle； though without hope that Mr。 Clodd；
who had just appeared at the other end of the court； could possibly hear
her。 〃Was beginning to be afraid as you'd tumbled over yerself in your
'urry and 'urt yerself。〃
Mr。 Clodd； perceiving Mrs。 Postwhistle； decided to abandon method
and take No。 7 first。
Mr。 Clodd was a short； thick…set； bullet…headed young man； with
ways that were bustling； and eyes that； though kind； suggested
trickiness。
〃Ah！〃 said Mr。 Clodd admiringly； as he pocketed the six half…crowns
that the lady handed up to him。 〃If only they were all like you； Mrs。
Postwhistle！〃
〃Wouldn't be no need of chaps like you to worry 'em；〃 pointed out
Mrs。 Postwhistle。
〃It's an irony of fate； my being a rent…collector； when you come to
think of it；〃 remarked Mr。 Clodd； writing out the receipt。 〃If I had my
way； I'd put an end to landlordism； root and branch。 Curse of the
country。〃
〃Just the very thing I wanted to talk to you about；〃 returned the lady…
…〃that lodger o' mine。〃
〃Ah！ don't pay； don't he？ You just hand him over to me。 I'll soon
have it out of him。〃
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〃It's not that；〃 explained Mrs。 Postwhistle。 〃If a Saturday morning
'appened to come round as 'e didn't pay up without me asking； I should
know I'd made a mistakethat it must be Friday。 If I don't 'appen to be
in at 'alf…past ten； 'e puts it in an envelope and leaves it on the table。〃
〃Wonder if his mother has got any more like him？〃 mused Mr。 Clodd。
〃Could do with a few about this neighbourhood。 What is it you want to
say about him； then？ Merely to brag about him？〃
〃I wanted to ask you；〃 continued Mrs。 Postwhistle； 〃'ow I could get
rid of 'im。 It was rather a curious agreement。〃
〃Why do you want to get rid of him？ Too noisy？〃
〃Noisy！ Why； the cat makes more noise about the 'ouse than 'e
does。 'E'd make 'is fortune as a burglar。〃
〃Come home late？〃
〃Never known 'im out after the shutters are up。〃
〃Gives you too much trouble then？〃
〃I can't say that of 'im。 Never know whether 'e's in the 'ouse or isn't；
without going upstairs and knocking at the door。〃
〃Here； you tell it your own way；〃 suggested the bewildered Clodd。
〃If it was anyone else but you； I should say you didn't know your own
business。〃
〃'E gets on my nerves；〃 said Mrs。 Postwhistle。 〃You ain't in a 'urry
for five minutes？〃
Mr。 Clodd was always in a hurry。 〃But I can forget it talking to
you；〃 added the gallant Mr。 Clodd。
Mrs。 Postwhistle led the way into the little parlour。
〃Just the name of it；〃 consented Mr。 Clodd。 〃Cheerfulness combined
with temperance； that's the ideal。〃
〃I'll tell you what 'appened only last night；〃 commenced Mrs。
Postwhistle； seating herself the opposite side of the loo…table。 〃A letter
came for 'im by the seven o'clock post。 I'd seen 'im go out two hours
before； and though I'd been sitting in the shop the whole blessed time； I
never saw or 'eard 'im pass through。 E's like that。 It's like 'aving a
ghost for a lodger。 I opened 'is door without knocking and went in。 If
you'll believe me； 'e was clinging with 'is arms and legs to the top of the
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bedsteadit's one of those old…fashioned； four…post things'is 'ead
touching the ceiling。 'E 'adn't got too much clothes on； and was
cracking nuts with 'is teeth and eating 'em。 'E threw a 'andful of shells
at me； and making the most awful faces at me； started off gibbering
softly to himself。〃
〃All play； I suppose？ No real vice？〃 commented the interested Mr。
Clodd。
〃It will go on for a week； that will；〃 continued Mrs。 Postwhistle 〃'e
fancying 'imself a monkey。 Last week he was a tortoise； and was
crawling about on his stomach with a tea…tray tied on to 'is back。 'E's as
sensible as most men； if that's saying much； the moment 'e's outside the
front door； but in the 'ousewell； I suppose the fact is that 'e's a lunatic。〃
〃Don't seem no hiding anything from you；〃 Mrs。 Postwhistle remarked
Mr。 Clodd in tones of admiration。 〃Does he ever get violent？〃
〃Don't know what 'e would be like if 'e 'appened to fancy 'imself
something really dangerous；〃 answered Mrs。 Postwhistle。 〃I am a bit
nervous of this new monkey game； I don't mind confessing to youthe
things that they do according to the picture…books。 Up to now； except
for imagining 'imself a mole； and taking all his meals underneath the
carpet； it's been mostly birds and cats and 'armless sort o' things I 'aven't
seemed to mind so much。〃
〃How did you get hold of him？〃 demanded Mr。 Clodd。 〃Have much
trouble in finding him； or did somebody come and tell you about him？〃
〃Old Gladman； of Chancery Lane； the law stationer； brought 'im 'ere
one evening about two months agosaid 'e was a sort of distant relative
of 'is； a bit soft in the 'ead； but perfectly 'armless wanted to put 'im with
someone who wouldn't impose on 'im。 Well； what between 'aving been
empty for over five weeks； the poor old gaby 'imself looking as gentle as
a lamb； and the figure being reasonable； I rather jumped at the idea； and
old Gladman； explaining as 'ow 'e wanted the thing settled and done with；
got me to sign a letter。〃
〃Kept a copy of it？〃 asked the business…like Clodd。
〃No。 But I can remember what it was。 Gladman 'ad it all ready。
So long as the money was paid punctual and 'e didn't make no
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disturbance and didn't fall sick； I was to go on boarding and lodging 'im
for seventeen…and…sixpence a week。 It didn't strike me as anything to
be objected to at the time； but 'e payin' regular； as I've explained to you；
and be'aving； so far as disturbance is concerned； more like a Christian
martyr than a man； well； it looks to me as if I'd got to live and die with
'im。〃
〃Give him rope； and possibly he'll have a week