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into moments of unhealthy activity； and leaving my saner hours all the
more barren？ I felt a dizzy sense of unreality in what my eye rested on； I
grasped the bell convulsively； like one trying to free himself from
nightmare； and rang it twice。 Pierre came with a look of alarm in his
face。
〃Monsieur ne se trouve pas bien？〃 he said anxiously。
〃I'm tired of waiting； Pierre；〃 I said； as distinctly and emphatically as I
could； like a man determined to be sober in spite of wine； 〃I'm afraid
something has happened to my fatherhe's usually so punctual。 Run to
the Hotel des Bergues and see if he is there。〃
Pierre left the room at once； with a soothing 〃Bien； Monsieur〃； and I
felt the better for this scene of simple； waking prose。 Seeking to calm
myself still further； I went into my bedroom； adjoining the salon； and
opened a case of eau…de…Cologne； took out a bottle； went through the
process of taking out the cork very neatly； and then rubbed the reviving
spirit over my hands and forehead； and under my nostrils； drawing a new
delight from the scent because I had procured it by slow details of labour；
and by no strange sudden madness。 Already I had begun to taste
something of the horror that belongs to the lot of a human being whose
nature is not adjusted to simple human conditions。
Still enjoying the scent； I returned to the salon； but it was not
unoccupied； as it had been before I left it。 In front of the Chinese
folding…screen there was my father； with Mrs。 Filmore on his right hand；
and on his leftthe slim； blond…haired girl； with the keen face and the keen
eyes fixed on me in half…smiling curiosity。
〃Well； Latimer； you thought me long；〃 my father said 。 。 。
I heard no more； felt no more； till I became conscious that I was lying
with my head low on the sofa； Pierre； and my father by my side。 As soon
as I was thoroughly revived； my father left the room； and presently
returned； saying …
〃I've been to tell the ladies how you are； Latimer。 They were waiting
in the next room。 We shall put off our shopping expedition to…day。〃
Presently he said； 〃That young lady is Bertha Grant； Mrs。 Filmore's
orphan niece。 Filmore has adopted her； and she lives with them； so you
will have her for a neighbour when we go homeperhaps for a near
relation； for there is a tenderness between her and Alfred； I suspect； and I
should be gratified by the match； since Filmore means to provide for her in
every way as if she were his daughter。 It had not occurred to me that you
knew nothing about her living with the Filmores。〃
He made no further allusion to the fact of my having fainted at the
moment of seeing her； and I would not for the world have told him the
reason： I shrank from the idea of disclosing to any one what might be
regarded as a pitiable peculiarity； most of all from betraying it to my father；
who would have suspected my sanity ever after。
I do not mean to dwell with particularity on the details of my
experience。 I have described these two cases at length； because they had
definite； clearly traceable results in my after…lot。
Shortly after this last occurrenceI think the very next dayI began to
be aware of a phase in my abnormal sensibility； to which； from the languid
and slight nature of my intercourse with others since my illness； I had not
been alive before。 This was the obtrusion on my mind of the mental
process going forward in first one person； and then another； with whom I
happened to be in contact： the vagrant； frivolous ideas and emotions of
some uninteresting acquaintanceMrs。 Filmore； for examplewould force
themselves on my consciousness like an importunate； ill…played musical
instrument； or the loud activity of an imprisoned insect。 But this
unpleasant sensibility was fitful； and left me moments of rest； when the
souls of my panions were once more shut out from me； and I felt a
relief such as silence brings to wearied nerves。 I might have believed this
importunate insight to be merely a diseased activity of the imagination； but
that my prevision of incalculable words and actions proved it to have a
fixed relation to the mental process in other minds。 But this superadded
consciousness； wearying and annoying enough when it urged on me the
trivial experience of indifferent people； became an intense pain and grief
when it seemed to be opening to me the souls of those who were in a close
relation to mewhen the rational talk； the graceful attentions； the wittily…
turned phrases； and the kindly deeds； which used to make the web of their
characters； were seen as if thrust asunder by a microscopic vision； that
showed all the intermediate frivolities； all the suppressed egoism； all the
struggling chaos of puerilities； meanness； vague capricious memories； and
indolent make…shift thoughts； from which human words and deeds emerge
like leaflets covering a fermenting heap。
At Basle we were joined by my brother Alfred； now a handsome； self…
confident man of six…and…twentya thorough contrast to my fragile；
nervous； ineffectual self。 I believe I was held to have a sort of half…
womanish； half…ghostly beauty； for the portrait…painters； who are thick as
weeds at Geneva； had often asked me to sit to them； and I had been the
model of a dying minstrel in a fancy picture。 But I thoroughly disliked my
own physique and nothing but the belief that it was a condition of poetic
genius would have reconciled me to it。 That brief hope was quite fled；
and I saw in my face now nothing but the stamp of a morbid organization；
framed for passive sufferingtoo feeble for the sublime resistance of
poetic production。 Alfred； from whom I had been almost constantly
separated； and who； in his present stage of character and appearance； came
before me as a perfect stranger； was bent on being extremely friendly and
brother…like to me。 He had the superficial kindness of a good…humoured；
self…satisfied nature； that fears no rivalry； and has encountered no
contrarieties。 I am not sure that my disposition was good enough for me
to have been quite free from envy towards him； even if our desires had not
clashed； and if I had been in the healthy human condition which admits of
generous confidence and charitable construction。 There must always
have been an antipathy between our natures。 As it was； he became in a
few weeks an object of intense hatred to me； and when he entered the
room； still more when he spoke； it was as if a sensation of grating metal
had set my teeth on edge。 My diseased consciousness was more
intensely and continually occupied with his thoughts and emotions； than
with those of any other person who came in my way。 I was perpetually
exasperated with the petty promptings of his conceit and his love of
patronage； with his self…placent belief in Bertha Grant's passion for
him； with his half…pitying contempt for meseen not in the ordinary
indications of intonation and phrase and slight action； which an acute and
suspicious mind is on the watch for； but in all their naked skinless
plication。
For we were rivals； and our desires clashed； though he was not aware
of it。 I have said nothing yet of the effect Bertha Grant produced in me
on a nearer acquaintance。 That effect was chiefly determined by the fact
that she made the only exception； among all the human beings about me；
to my unhappy gift of insight。 About Bertha I was always in a state of
uncertainty： I could watch the expression of her face； and speculate on
its meaning； I could ask for her opinion with the real interest of ignorance；
I could listen for her words and watch for her smile with hope and fear：
she had for me the fascination of an unravelled destiny。 I say it was this
fact that chiefly determined the strong effect she produced on me： for； in
the abstract； no womanly character could seem to have less affinity for that
of a shrinking； romantic； passionate youth than Bertha's。 She was keen；
sarcastic； unimaginative； prematurely cynical；