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When it persists beyond the period at which it ceases to be necessary to
the child's welfare； it is apt to be morbid； and we are probably wrong to
inculcate its deliberate cultivation。 The natural course is for the parents
and children to cast off the specific parental and filial relation when they
are no longer necessary to one another。 The child does this readily
enough to form fresh ties； closer and more fascinating。 Parents are not
always excluded from such compensations： it happens sometimes that
when the children go out at the door the lover comes in at the window。
Indeed it happens now oftener than it used to； because people remain
much longer in the sexual arena。 The cultivated Jewess no longer cuts
off her hair at her marriage。 The British matron has discarded her cap
and her conscientious ugliness； and a bishop's wife at fifty has more of the
air of a _femme galante_ than an actress had at thirty…five in her
grandmother's time。 But as people marry later； the facts of age and time
still inexorably condemn most parents to comparative solitude when their
children marry。 This may be a privation and may be a relief： probably
in healthy circumstances it is no worse than a salutary change of habit； but
even at that it is； for the moment at least； a wrench。 For though parents
and children sometimes dislike one another； there is an experience of
succor and a habit of dependence and expectation formed in infancy which
naturally attaches a child to its parent or to its nurse （a foster parent） in a
quite peculiar way。 A benefit to the child may be a burden to the parent；
but people become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the
burdens are attached to them； and to 〃suffer little children〃 has become an
affectionate impulse deep in our nature。
Now there is no such impulse to suffer our sisters and brothers； our
aunts and uncles； much less our cousins。 If we could choose our relatives；
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we might； by selecting congenial ones； mitigate the repulsive effect of the
obligation to like them and to admit them to our intimacy。 But to have a
person imposed on us as a brother merely because he happens to have the
same parents is unbearable when； as may easily happen； he is the sort of
person we should carefully avoid if he were anyone else's brother。 All
Europe （except Scotland； which has clans instead of families） draws the
line at second cousins。 Protestantism draws it still closer by making the
first cousin a marriageable stranger； and the only reason for not drawing it
at sisters and brothers is that the institution of the family compels us to
spend our childhood with them； and thus imposes on us a curious relation
in which familiarity destroys romantic charm； and is yet expected to create
a specially warm affection。 Such a relation is dangerously factitious and
unnatural； and the practical moral is that the less said at home about
specific family affection the better。 Children； like grown…up people； get on
well enough together if they are not pushed down one another's throats；
and grown…up relatives will get on together in proportion to their
separation and their care not to presume on their blood relationship。 We
should let children's feelings take their natural course without prompting。
I have seen a child scolded and called unfeeling because it did not occur to
it to make a theatrical demonstration of affectionate delight when its
mother returned after an absence： a typical example of the way in which
spurious family sentiment is stoked up。 We are； after all； sociable
animals； and if we are let alone in the matter of our affections； and well
brought up otherwise； we shall not get on any the worse with particular
people because they happen to be our brothers and sisters and cousins。
The danger lies in assuming that we shall get on any better。
The main point to grasp here is that families are not kept together at
present by family feeling but by human feeling。 The family cultivates
sympathy and mutual help and consolation as any other form of kindly
association cultivates them； but the addition of a dictated compulsory
affection as an attribute of near kinship is not only unnecessary； but
positively detrimental； and the alleged tendency of modern social
development to break up the family need alarm nobody。 We cannot
break up the facts of kinship nor eradicate its natural emotional
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A TREATISE ON PARENTS AND CHILDREN
consequences。 What we can do and ought to do is to set people free to
behave naturally and to change their behavior as circumstances change。 To
impose on a citizen of London the family duties of a Highland cateran in
the eighteenth century is as absurd as to compel him to carry a claymore
and target instead of an umbrella。 The civilized man has no special use
for cousins； and he may presently find that he has no special use for
brothers and sisters。 The parent seems likely to remain indispensable；
but there is no reason why that natural tie should be made the excuse for
unnatural aggravations of it； as crushing to the parent as they are
oppressive to the child。 The mother and father will not always have to
shoulder the burthen of maintenance which should fall on the Atlas
shoulders of the fatherland and motherland。 Pending such reforms and
emancipations； a shattering break…up of the parental home must remain
one of the normal incidents of marriage。 The parent is left lonely and the
child is not。 Woe to the old if they have no impersonal interests； no
convictions； no public causes to advance； no tastes or hobbies！ It is well
to be a mother but not to be a mother…in…law； and if men were cut off
artificially from intellectual and public interests as women are； the father…
in…law would be as deplorable a figure in popular tradition as the mother…
in…law。
It is not to be wondered at that some people hold that blood
relationship should be kept a secret from the persons related； and that the
happiest condition in this respect is that of the foundling who； if he ever
meets his parents or brothers or sisters； passes them by without knowing
them。 And for such a view there is this to be said： that our family
system does unquestionably take the natural bond between members of the
same family； which； like all natural bonds； is not too tight to be borne； and
superimposes on it a painful burden of forced； inculcated； suggested； and
altogether unnecessary affection and responsibility which we should do
well to get rid of by making relatives as independent of one another as
possible。
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The Fate of the Family
The difficulty of inducing people to talk sensibly about the family is
the same as that which I pointed out in a previous volume as confusing
discussions of marriage。 Marriage is not a single invariable institution：
it changes from civilization to civilization； from religion to religion； from
civil code to civil code； from frontier to frontier。 The family is still more
variable； because the number of persons constituting a family； unlike the
number of persons constituting a marriage； varies from one to twenty：
indeed； when a widower with a family marries a widow with a family； and
the two produce a third family； even that very high number may be
surpassed。 And the conditions may vary between opposite extrem