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something to do with the New Jerusalem。 But the sadness of it all
at length overpowered him； and he burst out crying。 For it was
awfully sad that his mother's portrait should be in his own mother's
box。
He took a bit of red tape off a bundle of the papers； put it through
the eye of the setting； and hung the picture round his neck； inside
his clothes； for grannie must not see it。 She would take that away
as she had taken his fiddle。 He had a nameless something now for
which he had been longing for years。
Looking again in the box； he found a little bit of paper；
discoloured with antiquity； as it seemed to him； though it was not
so old as himself。 Unfolding it he found written upon it a
well…known hymn； and at the bottom of the hymn； the words： 'O Lord！
my heart is very sore。'The treasure upon Robert's bosom was no
longer the symbol of a mother's love； but of a woman's sadness；
which he could not reach to comfort。 In that hour； the boy made a
great stride towards manhood。 Doubtless his mother's grief had been
the same as grannie'sthe fear that she would lose her husband for
ever。 The hourly fresh griefs from neglect and wrong did not occur
to him； only the never never more。 He looked no farther； took the
portrait from his neck and replaced it with the paper； put the box
back； and walled it up in solitude once more with the dusty bundles。
Then he went down to his grandmother； sadder and more desolate than
ever。
He found her seated in her usual place。 Her New Testament； a
large…print octavo； lay on the table beside her unopened； for where
within those boards could she find comfort for a grief like hers？
That it was the will of God might well comfort any suffering of her
own； but would it comfort Andrew？ and if there was no comfort for
Andrew； how was Andrew's mother to be comforted？
Yet God had given his first…born to save his brethren： how could he
be pleased that she should dry her tears and be comforted？ True；
some awful unknown force of a necessity with which God could not
cope came in to explain it； but this did not make God more kind； for
he knew it all every time he made a man； nor man less sorrowful； for
God would have his very mother forget him； or； worse still； remember
him and be happy。
'Read a chapter till me； laddie；' she said。
Robert opened and read till he came to the words： 'I pray not for
the world。'
'He was o' the world；' said the old woman； 'and gin Christ wadna
pray for him； what for suld I？'
Already； so soon after her son's death； would her theology begin to
harden her heart。 The strife which results from believing that the
higher love demands the suppression of the lower； is the most
fearful of all discords； the absolute love slaying lovethe house
divided against itself； one moment all given up for the will of Him；
the next the human tenderness rushing back in a flood。 Mrs。
Falconer burst into a very agony of weeping。 From that day； for
many years； the name of her lost Andrew never passed her lips in the
hearing of her grandson； and certainly in that of no one else。
But in a few weeks she was more cheerful。 It is one of the
mysteries of humanity that mothers in her circumstances； and holding
her creed； do regain not merely the faculty of going on with the
business of life； but； in most cases； even cheerfulness。 The
infinite Truth； the Love of the universe； supports them beyond their
consciousness； coming to them like sleep from the roots of their
being； and having nothing to do with their opinions or beliefs。 And
hence spring those comforting subterfuges of hope to which they all
fly。 Not being able to trust the Father entirely； they yet say：
'Who can tell what took place at the last moment？ Who can tell
whether God did not please to grant them saving faith at the
eleventh hour？'that so they might pass from the very gates of
hell； the only place for which their life had fitted them； into the
bosom of love and purity！ This God could do for all： this for the
son beloved of his mother perhaps he might do！
O rebellious mother heart！ dearer to God than that which beats
laboriously solemn under Genevan gown or Lutheran surplice！ if thou
wouldst read by thine own large light； instead of the glimmer from
the phosphorescent brains of theologians； thou mightst even be able
to understand such a simple word as that of the Saviour； when；
wishing his disciples to know that he had a nearer regard for them
as his brethren in holier danger； than those who had not yet
partaken of his light； and therefore praying for them not merely as
human beings； but as the human beings they were； he said to his
Father in their hearing： 'I pray not for the world； but for
them；'not for the world now； but for thema meaningless
utterance； if he never prayed for the world； a word of small
meaning； if it was not his very wont and custom to pray for the
worldfor men as men。 Lord Christ！ not alone from the pains of
hell； or of consciencenot alone from the outer darkness of self
and all that is mean and poor and low； do we fly to thee； but from
the anger that arises within us at the wretched words spoken in thy
name； at the degradation of thee and of thy Father in the mouths of
those that claim especially to have found thee； do we seek thy feet。
Pray thou for them also； for they know not what they do。
CHAPTER XIV。
MARY ST。 JOHN。
After this； day followed day in calm； dull progress。 Robert did not
care for the games through which his school…fellows forgot the
little they had to forget； and had therefore few in any sense his
companions。 So he passed his time out of school in the society of
his grandmother and Shargar； except that spent in the garret； and
the few hours a week occupied by the lessons of the shoemaker。 For
he went on； though half…heartedly； with those lessons； given now
upon Sandy's redeemed violin which he called his old wife； and made
a little progress even； as we sometimes do when we least think it。
He took more and more to brooding in the garret； and as more
questions presented themselves for solution； he became more anxious
to arrive at the solution； and more uneasy as he failed in
satisfying himself that he had arrived at it； so that his brain；
which needed quiet for the true formation of its substance； as a
cooling liquefaction or an evaporating solution for the just
formation of its crystals； became in danger of settling into an
abnormal arrangement of the cellular deposits。
I believe that even the new…born infant is； in some of his moods；
already grappling with the deepest metaphysical problems； in forms
infinitely too rudimental for the understanding of the grown
philosopheras far； in fact； removed from his ken on the one side；
that of intelligential beginning； the germinal subjective； as his
abstrusest speculations are from the final solutions of absolute
entity on the other。 If this be the case； it is no wonder that at
Robert's age the deepest questions of his coming manhood should be
in active operation； although so surrounded with the yoke of common
belief and the shell of accredited authority； that the embryo faith；
which in minds like his always takes the form of doubt； could not be
defined any more than its existence could be disproved。 I have
given a hint at the tendency of his mind already； in the fact that
one of the most definite inquiries to which he had yet turned his
thoughts was； whether God would have mercy upon a repentant devil。
An ordinary puzzle had beenif his father were to marry again； and
it should turn out after all that his mother was not dead； what was
his father to do？ But this was over now。 A third was； why； when he
came out of church； sunshine always made him miserable； and he felt
better able to be good when it rained or snowed hard。 I might
mention the inquiry whether it was not possible somehow to elude the
omniscience of God； but that is a common question with thoughtful
children； and indicates little that is characteristic of the
individual。 That he puzzled himself about the perpetual motion may
pass for little likewise； but one thing which is worth mentioning；
for indeed it caused him considerable distress； was； that in reading
the Paradise Lost he could not help sympathizing with Satan； and
feelingI do not say thinkingthat the Almighty was pompous；
scarcely reasonable； and somewhat revengeful。
He was recognized amongst his school…fellows as remarkable for his
love of fair…play； so much so； that he was their constant referee。
Add to this that； notwithstanding his sympathy with Satan； he
almost invariably sided with his master； in regard of any angry
reflection or seditious movement； and even when unjustly punished
himself； the occasional result of a certain backwardness in
self…defence； never showed any resentmenta most improbable
statement； I admit； but nevertheless trueand I think th