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assemble at Mr Hatchard's to rummage the box of the English Society。
Yet this famous body gave a poetical prize； for which Voltaire was a
candidate； to a fellow who wrote some verses about THE FROZEN AND
THE BURNING POLE。
Yet； granting that the prizes were always awarded to the best
composition； that composition； I say without hesitation； will always be bad。
A prize poem is like a prize sheep。 The object of the competitor for the
agricultural premium is to produce an animal fit； not to be eaten； but to be
weighed。 Accordingly he pampers his victim into morbid and unnatural
fatness； and； when it is in such a state that it would be sent away in disgust
from any table； he offers it to the judges。 The object of the poetical
candidate； in like manner； is to produce； not a good poem； but a poem of
that exact degree of frigidity or bombast which may appear to his censors
to be correct or sublime。 Compositions thus constructed will always be
worthless。 The few excellences which they may contain will have an
exotic aspect and flavour。 In general； prize sheep are good for nothing
but to make tallow candles； and prize poems are good for nothing but to
light them。
The first subject proposed by the Society to the poets of England was
Dartmoor。 I thought that they intended a covert sarcasm at their own
projects。 Their institution was a literary Dartmoor scheme；a plan for
forcing into cultivation the waste lands of intellect；for raising poetical
produce； by means of bounties； from soil too meagre to have yielded any
returns in the natural course of things。 The plan for the cultivation of
Dartmoor has； I hear； been abandoned。 I hope that this may be an omen
of the fate of the Society。
In truth； this seems by no means improbable。 They have been
offering for several years the rewards which the king placed at their
disposal； and have not； as far as I can learn； been able to find in their box
one composition which they have deemed worthy of publication。 At least
no publication has taken place。 The associates may perhaps be
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astonished at this。 But I will attempt to explain it； after the manner of
ancient times； by means of an apologue。
About four hundred years after the Deluge； King Gomer Chephoraod
reigned in Babylon。 He united all the characteristics of an excellent
sovereign。 He made good laws； won great battles； and white…washed
long streets。 He was； in consequence； idolised by his people； and
panegyrised by many poets and orators。 A book was then a sermons
undertaking。 Neither paper nor any similar material had been invented。
Authors were therefore under the necessity of inscribing their
compositions on massive bricks。 Some of these Babylonian records are
still preserved in European museums； but the language in which they are
written has never been deciphered。 Gomer Chephoraod was so popular
that the clay of all the plains round the Euphrates could scarcely furnish
brick…kilns enough for his eulogists。 It is recorded in particular that
Pharonezzar； the Assyrian Pindar； published a bridge and four walls in his
praise。
One day the king was going in state from his palace to the temple of
Belus。 During this procession it was lawful for any Babylonian to offer
any petition or suggestion to his sovereign。 As the chariot passed before a
vintner's shop； a large company； apparently half…drunk； sallied forth into
the street； and one of them thus addressed the king：
〃Gomer Chephoraod； live for ever！ It appears to thy servants that of
all the productions of the earth good wine is the best； and bad wine is the
worst。 Good wine makes the heart cheerful； the eyes bright； the speech
ready。 Bad wine confuses the head； disorders the stomach； makes us
quarrelsome at night； and sick the next morning。 Now therefore let my
lord the king take order that thy servants may drink good wine。
〃And how is this to be done？〃 said the good…natured prince。
〃O King；〃 said his monitor； 〃this is most easy。 Let the king make a
decree； and seal it with his royal signet： and let it be proclaimed that the
king will give ten she…asses； and ten slaves； and ten changes of raiment；
every year； unto the man who shall make ten measures of the best wine。
And whosoever wishes for the she…asses； and the slaves； and the raiment；
let him send the ten measures of wine to thy servants； and we will drink
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thereof and judge。 So shall there be much good wine in Assyria。〃
The project pleased Gomer Chephoraod。 〃Be it so；〃 said he。 The
people shouted。 The petitioners prostrated themselves in gratitude。 The
same night heralds were despatched to bear the intelligence to the remotest
districts of Assyria。
After a due interval the wines began to come in； and the examiners
assembled to adjudge the prize。 The first vessel was unsealed。 Its
odour was such that the judges； without tasting it； pronounced unanimous
condemnation。 The next was opened： it had a villainous taste of clay。
The third was sour and vapid。 They proceeded from one cask of execrable
liquor to another； till at length； in absolute nausea； they gave up the
investigation。
The next morning they all assembled at the gate of the king； with pale
faces and aching heads。 They owned that they could not recommend any
competitor as worthy of the rewards。 They swore that the wine was little
better than poison； and entreated permission to resign the office of
deciding between such detestable potions。
〃In the name of Belus； how can this have happened？〃 said the king。
Merolchazzar； the high…priest； muttered something about the anger of
the Gods at the toleration shown to a sect of impious heretics who ate
pigeons broiled； 〃whereas；〃 said he； 〃our religion commands us to eat
them roasted。 Now therefore； O King；〃 continued this respectable divine；
〃give command to thy men of war； and let them smite the disobedient
people with the sword； them； and their wives； and their children； and let
their houses； and their flocks； and their herds； be given to thy servants the
priests。 Then shall the land yield its increase； and the fruits of the earth
shall be no more blasted by the vengeance of Heaven。〃
〃Nay；〃 said the king； 〃the ground lies under no general curse from
Heaven。 The season has been singularly good。 The wine which thou
didst thyself drink at the banquet a few nights ago； O venerable
Merolchazzar； was of this year's vintage。 Dost thou not remember how
thou didst praise it？ It was the same night that thou wast inspired by
Belus and didst reel to and fro； and discourse sacred mysteries。 These
things are too hard for me。 I comprehend them not。 The only wine
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which is bad is that which is sent to my judges。 Who can expound this to
us？〃
The king scratched his head。 Upon which all the courtiers scratched
their heads。
He then ordered proclamation to be made that a purple robe and a
golden chain should be given to the man who could solve this difficulty。
An old philosopher； who had been observed to smile rather
disdainfully when the prize had first been instituted； came forward and
spoke thus：
〃Gomer Chephoraod； live for ever！ Marvel not at that which has
happened。 It was no miracle；