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hard cash-第75章

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There is a mystery; a dreadful mystery; may he not be as mystified; too; and perhaps tortured like me with doubts and suspicions? They say he is pale and dejected。 Poor thing!

But then; oh why not come to me and say so? Shall I write to him? No; I will cut my hand off sooner。〃

_〃Dec。 16th。_A blessed letter from Jane。 She says; 'Letter writing on ordinary subjects is a sad waste of time and very unpardonable among His people。' And so it is; and my weak hope; daily disappointed; that there may be something in her letter; only shows how inferior I am to my beloved friend。 She says; 'I should like to fix another hour for us two to meet at the Throne together: will five o'clock suit you? We dine at six; but I am never more than half an hour dressing。'

〃The friendship of this saint; and her bright example; is what Heaven sends me in infinite mercy and goodness to sooth my aching heart a little: for _him_ I shall never see again。

〃I have seen him this very evening。〃

〃It was a beautiful night: I went to look atthe world to come I call itfor I believe the redeemed are to inhabit those very stars hereafter; and visit them all in turnand this world I now find is a world of sorrow and disappointmentso I went on the balcony to look at a better one: and oh it seemed so holy; so calm; so pure; that heavenly world I gazed and stretched my hands towards it for ever so little of its holiness and purity; and; that moment I heard a sigh。 I looked; and there stood a gentleman just outside our gate; and it was _him。_ I nearly screamed; and my heart beat so。 He did not see me: for I had come out softly; and his poor head was down; down upon his breast; and he used to carry it so high; a little; little; while agotoo high some said; but not I。 I looked; and my misgivings melted away; it flashed on me as if one of those stars had written it with its own light in my heart'There stands Grief; not Guilt。' And before I knew what I was about I had whispered 'Alfred!' The poor boy started and ran towards me: but stopped short and sighed again。 My heart yearned; but it was not for me to make advances to him; after his unkindness: so I spoke to him as coldly as ever I could; and I said; 'You are unhappy。'

〃He looked up to me; and then I saw even by that light that he is enduring a bitter; bitter struggle: _so_ pale; _so_ worn; _so_ dragged!Now how many times have I cried; this last month? more than in all the rest of my life a great deal。'Unhappy!' he said; 'I must be a contemptible thing if I was not unhappy。' And then he asked me should not I despise him if he was happy。 I did not answer that: but I asked him why he was unhappy。 And when I had; I was half frightened; for he never evades a question the least bit。

〃He held his head higher still; and said; 'I am unhappy because I cannot see the path of honour。'

〃Then I babbled something; I forget what: then he went on like thisah; I never forget what _he_ sayshe said Cicero says 'AEquitas ipsa lucet per se; something significat* something else:' and he repeated it slowly for mehe knows I know a little Latin; and told me that was as much as to say 'Justice is so clear a thing; that whoever hesitates must be on the road of wrong。 And yet;' he said bitterly; '_I_ hesitate and doubt; in a matter of right and wrong; like an Academic philosopher weighing and balancing mere speculative straws。' Those were his very words。 'And so;' said he; 'I am miserable; deserving to be miserable。'

*Dubitatio cogitationem significat injuriae。

〃Then I ventured to remind him that he; and I; and all Christian souls; had a resource not known to heathen philosophers; however able。 And I said; 'Dear Alfred; when I am in doubt and difficulty; I go and pray to Him to guide me aright: have you done so?' No; that had never occurred to him: but he would; if I made a point of it; and at any rate he could not go on in this way。 I should soon see him again; and; once his mind was made up; no shrinking from mere consequences; he promised me。 Then we bade one another good night and he went off holding his head as proudly as he used: and poor silly me fluttered; and nearly hysterical; as soon as I quite lost sight of him。〃

_〃Dec。 17th。_At church in the morning: a good sermon。 Notes and analysis。 In the evening Jane's clergyman preached。 She came。 Going out I asked her a question about what we had heard; but she did not answer me。 At parting she told me she made it a rule not to speak coming from church; not even about the sermon。 This seemed austere to poor me。 But of course she is right。 Oh; that I was like her。〃

_〃Dec。 18th。_Edward is coming out。 This boy; that one has taught all the French; all the dancing; and nearly all the Latin he knows; turns out to be one's superior; infinitely: I mean in practical good sense。 Mamma had taken her pearls to the jeweller and borrowed two hundred pounds。 He found this out and objected。 She told him a part of it was required to keep him at Oxford。 'Oh indeed;' said he: and we thought of course there was an end: but next morning he was off before breakfast and the day after he returned from Oxford with his caution money; forty pounds; and gave it mamma; she had forgotten all about it。 And he had taken his name off the college books and left the university for ever。 The poor; gentle tears of mortification ran down his mother's cheeks; and I hung round her neck; and scolded him like a vixenas I am。 We might have spared tears and fury both; for he is neither to be melted nor irritated by poor little us。 He kissed us and coaxed us like a superior being; and set to work in his quiet; sober; ponderous way; and proved us a couple of fools to our entire satisfaction; and that without an unkind word! for he is as gentle as a lamb; and as strong as ten thousand elephants。 He took the money back and brought the pearls home again; and he has written 'SOYEZ DE VOTRE SIECLE' in great large letters; and has pasted it on all our three bed…room doors; inside。 And he has been all these years quietly cutting up the _Morning Advertiser;_ and arranging the slips with wonderful skill and method。 He calls it 'digesting the _Tiser!'_ and you can't ask for any _modern_ information; great or small; but he'll find you something about it in this digest。 Such a folio! It takes a man to open and shut it。 And he means to be a sort of little papa in this house; and mamma means to let him。 And indeed it is so sweet to be commanded; besides; it saves thinking for oneself; and that is such a worry。

_〃Dec。 19th。_Yes; they have settled it: we are to leave here; and live in lodgings to save servants。 How we are to exist even so; mamma cannot see; but Edward can: he says we two have got popular talents; and _he knows the markets_ (what does that mean; I wonder); and the world in general。 I asked him wherever he picked it up; his knowledge: he said; 'In the _'Tiser。'_ I asked him would he leave the place where _she_ lives。 He looked sad; but said; 'Yes: for the good of us all。' So he is better than I am; but who is not? I wasted an imploring look on him; but not on mamma: she looked back to me; and then said sadly; 'Wait a few days; Edward; for_my_ sake。' That meant for poor credulous Julia's; who still believes in him。 My sweet mother!〃

_〃Dec。 21st。_Told Mamma to…day I would go for a governess; to help her; since we are all ruined。 She kissed me and trembled; but she did not say 'No;' so it will come to that。 He will be sorry。 When I do go; I think I shall find courage to send him a line: just to say I am sure _he_ is not to blame for withdrawing。 Indeed how could I ever marry a man whose father I have heard my father call〃 (the pen was drawn through the rest)。

_〃Dec。 22nd。_A miserable day: low spirited and hysterical。 We are really going away。 Edward has begun to make packing…cases: I stood over him and sighed; and asked him questions: he said he was going to take unfurnished rooms in London; send up what furniture is absolutely necessary; and sell the rest by auction; with the lease of our dear; dear house; where we were all so happy once。 So; what with his 'knowledge of the markets; and the world;' and his sense; and his strong will; we have only to submit。 And then he is so kind; too: 'Don't cry; little girl;' he said。 'Not but what I could turn on the waters myself if there was anything to be gained by it。 _Shall_ I cry; Ju;' said he; 'or shall I whistle? I think I'll whistle。' And he whistled a tune right through while he worked with a heart as sick as my own; perhaps。 Poor Edward!〃

_〃Dec。 23rd。_My Christian friend has her griefs; too。 But then _she_ puts them to profit: she says today; 'We are both tasting the same flesh…crucifying but soul…profiting experience。' Her every word is a rebuke to me: torn at this solemn season of the year with earthly passions。 Went down after reading her letter; and played and sang the _Gloria in Excelsis_ of Pergolesi; with all my soul。 So then I repeated it; and burst out crying in the middle。 Oh shame! shame!〃

_〃Dec。 24th。_Edward started for London at five in the morning to take a place for us。 The servants were next told; and received warning; the one we had the poorest opinion of; she is such a flirt; cried; and begged mamma to let her share our fallen fortunes; and s
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