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hard cash-第44章

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〃You are wrong; doctor; I never drink no beer: it costs〃

〃Your catlap; then。 And above all; no grizzling! Go to church whenever you can without losing a farthing。 It's medicinal; soothes the brain; and takes it off worldly cares。 And have no words with your husband; or he'll outlive you; it's his only chance of getting the last word。 Care killed a cat; a nanimal with eight lives more than a chatterbox。 If you worry or excite your brain; little Maxley; you will cook your own gooseby a quick fire。〃

〃Dear heart; these be unked sayings。 Won't ye give me nothing to make me better; sir?〃

〃No; I never tinker; I go to the root: you may buy a vile of chlorofm and take a puff if you feel premonory symps: but a quiet brain is your only real chance。 Now slope; and send the male screw。〃

〃Anan?〃

〃Your husband。〃

〃That I will; sir。 Your sarvant; doctor; your sarvant; ma'am; sarvant; all the company。

Mrs。 Dodd hoped the poor woman had nothing very serious the matter。

〃Oh; it is a mortal disease;〃 replied Sampson; as cool as a cucumber。 〃She has got angina pictoris or brist…pang; a disorder that admirably eximplifies the pretinsions of midicine t' seeince。〃 And with this he dashed into monologue。

Maxley's tall gaunt form came slouching in; and traversed the floor; pounding it with heavy nailed boots。 He seated himself gravely at Mrs。 Dodd's invitation; took a handkerchief out of his hat; wiped his face; and surveyed the company; grand and calm。 In James Maxley all was ponderous: his head was huge; his mouth; when it fairly opened; revealed a chasm; and thence issued a voice naturally stentorian by its volume and native vigour; but; when the owner of this incarnate bassoon had a mind to say something sagacious; he sank at once from his habitual roar to a sound scarce above a whisper; a contrast mighty comical to hear; though on paper _nil。_

〃Well; what is it Maxley! Rheumatism again?〃

〃No; that it ain't;〃 bellowed Maxley defiantly。

〃What then? Come; look sharp。〃

〃Well; then; doctor; I'll tell you。 I'm sore troubledwithamouse。〃

This malady; announced in the tone of a proclamation; and coming after so much solemn preparation; amused the party considerably; although parturient mountains had ere then produced muscipular abortions。

〃A mouse!〃 inquired Sampson disdainfully。 〃Where? Up your sleeve? Don't come to me: go t' a sawbones and have your arm cut off。 I've seen 'em mutilate a pashint for as little。〃

Maxley said it was not up his sleeve; worse luck。

On this Alfred hazarded a conjecture。 〃Might it not have gone down his throat? Took his potato…trap for the pantry…door。 Ha! ha!〃

〃Ay; I hear ye; young man; a…laughing at your own sport;〃 said Maxley; winking his eye; 〃but 'tain't the biggest mouth as catches the most。 You sits yander fit to bust; but (with a roar like a lion) ye never offers _me_ none on't; neither sup nor bit。〃

At this sudden turn of Mr。 Maxley's wit; light and playful as a tap of the old English quarter…staff; they were a little staggered; all but Edward; who laughed and supplied him zealously with sandwiches。

〃You're a gentleman; you are;〃 said Maxley; looking full at Sampson and Alfred to point the contradistinction。

Having thus disposed of his satirists; he contemplated the sandwiches with an inquiring and philosophic eye。 〃Well;〃 said he; after long and thoughtful inspection; 〃you gentlefoiks won't die of hard work; your sarvants must cut the very meat to fit your mouths。〃 And not to fall behind the gentry in a great and useful department of intelligence; he made precisely one mouthful of each sandwich。

Mrs。 Dodd was secretly amazed; and; taking care not to be noticed by Maxley; said confidentially; _〃Monsieur avait bien raison; le souris a passe: par la。_〃

The plate cleared; and washed down with a tumbler of port; Maxley resumed; and informed the doctor that the mouse was at this moment in his garden eating his bulbs。 〃And I be come here to put an end to her; if I've any luck at all。〃

Sampson told him he needn't trouble。 〃Nature has put an end to her as long as her body。〃

Mr。 Maxley was puzzled for a moment; then opened his mouth from ear to ear in a guffaw that made the glasses ring。 His humour was perverse。 He was wit…proof and fun…proof; but at a feeble jest would sometimes roar like a lion inflated with laughing…gas。 Laughed he ever so loud and long; he always ended abruptly and without gradationhis laugh was a clean spadeful dug out of Merriment。 He resumed his gravity and his theme all in an instant。 〃White arsenic she won't look at for I've tried her; but they tell me there's another sweetmeat come up; which they call it striek nine〃

〃Hets! let the poor beasty alone。 Life's as sweet tit as tus。〃

〃If _you_ was a gardener; you'd feel for the bulbs; not for the varmin;〃 remonstrated Maxley rather arrogantly。

〃But bein' a man of sceince; I feel for th' higher organisation。 Mice are a part of Nature; as much as market…gardeners。〃

〃So be stoats; and adders; and doctors。〃

Sampson appealed: 〃Jintlemen; here's a pretty pashint: reflects on our lairned profission; and it never cost him a guinea; for the dog never pays。〃

〃Don't let my chaff choke ye; doctor。 That warn't meant for _you_ altogether。 So if you _have_ got a little bit of that 'ere about you〃

〃I'm not a ratcatcher; my man: I don't go with dith in my pocket; like the surgeons that carry a lancet。 And if I had Murder in both pockets; you shouldn't get any。 Here's a greedy dog! got a thousand pounds in the bank; and grudges his healer a guinea; and his mouse a stand…up bite。〃

〃Now; who have been a telling you lies?〃 inquired Maxley severely。 〃My missus; for a farthing。 I'm not a thousand…pound man; I'm a nine…hundred…pound man; and it's all safe at Hardie's。〃 Here he went from his roar to his whisper; 〃I don't hold with Lunnon banks; they be like my missus's eggs: all one outside; and the rotten ones only known by breaking。 Well (loud) I _be_ pretty close; I don't deny it; but (confidentially) my missus beats me。 I look twice at a penny; but she looks twice at both sides of a halfpenny before she will let him go: and it's her being so close have raised all this here bobbery; and so I told her; says I; 'Missus; if you would but leave an end of a dip; or a paring of cheese; about your cupboard; she would hide at home; but you hungers her so; you drives her afield right on atop o' my roots。' 'Oh;' says my missus; 'if _I_ was to be as wasteful as _you_ be; where should _we_ be come Christmas day? Every tub on its own bottom;' says she; 'man and wife did ought to keep theirselves to theirselves; she to the house; and I to the garden。' 'So be it; says I; 'and by the same toaken; don't let me catch them 〃Ns〃 in my garden again; or I'll spoil their clucking and scratching;' says I; 'for I'll twist their dalled necks: ye've got a yard;' says I; 'and a roost; and likewise a turnpike; you and your poultry: so bide at home the lot; and don't come a scratching o' me;' and with that we had a ripput; and she took one of her pangs; and then I behoved to knock under; and that is allus the way if ye quarrel with woman…folk; they are sworn to get the better of ye by hook or by crook。 Now dooe give me a bit of that ere; to quiet this here; as eats me up by the roots and sets my missus and me by the ears。〃

〃Justum ac tenacem propositi virum;〃 whispered Alfred to Edward。

Sampson told him angrily to go to a certain great personage。

〃Not afore my betters;〃 whispered Mr。 Maxley; smit with a sudden respect for etiquette 〃Won't ye; now?〃

〃I'll see ye hanged first; ye miserly old assassin。〃

〃Then I have nothing to thank _you_ for;〃 roared Maxley; and made his adieux; ignoring with marked contempt the false physician who declined to doctor the foe of his domestic peace and crocuses。

〃Quite a passage of arms;〃 said Edward。

〃Yes;〃 said Mrs。 Dodd; 〃and of bludgeons and things; rather than the polished rapier。 What expressions to fall from two highly educated gentlemen! SlopePotato…trapSawbonesCatlap_je n'en finirais pas。_〃

She then let them know that she meditated a 〃dictionary of jargon;〃 in hopes that its bulk might strike terror into honest citizens; and excite an anti…jargon league to save the English language; now on the verge of dissolution。

Sampson was pleased with this threat。 〃Now; that is odd;〃 said he。 〃Why; I am compilin' a vocabulary myself。 I call 't th' ass…ass…ins' dickshinary; showing how; by the use of mealy…mouthed and d'exotic phrases; knaves can lead fools by th' ear a vilent dith。 F'r instance; if one was to say to John Bull; 'Now I'll cut a great gash in your arm and let your blood run till ye drop down senseless;' he'd take fright and say; 'Call another time!' So the profissional ass…ass…in words it thus: 'I'll bleed you from a large orifice till the occurrence of syncope。' All right sis John: he's bled from a lar j'orifice and dies three days after of th' assassin's knife hid in a sheath o' goose grease。 But I'll bloe the gaff with my dictionary。〃

〃Meantime _there_ is another contribution to mine;〃 said Mrs。 Dodd。

And they agreed in the gaiety of their hearts to compare their rival Lexicons。



CHAPTER XIII


THE subsiding sea was now a liquid Paradis
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