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rose and said：
〃Mr。 Speaker； I have heard with profound attention and entire
approval the explanation of the honourable member； and wish to
offer a few remarks on my own behalf。 I； too； have been foully
calumniated by our ancient enemy； the Infamous Falsehood； and I
wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA
MACULATA； which is dirty from birth。〃
The Ingenious Patriot
HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled
a paper from his pocket； saying：
〃May it please your Majesty； I have here a formula for constructing
armour…plating which no gun can pierce。 If these plates are
adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable； and
therefore invincible。 Here； also； are reports of your Majesty's
Ministers； attesting the value of the invention。 I will part with
my right in it for a million tumtums。〃
After examining the papers； the King put them away and promised him
an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for
a million tumtums。
〃And here；〃 said the Ingenious Patriot； pulling another paper from
another pocket； 〃are the working plans of a gun that I have
invented； which will pierce that armour。 Your Majesty's Royal
Brother； the Emperor of Bang； is anxious to purchase it； but
loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer
it first to your Majesty。 The price is one million tumtums。〃
Having received the promise of another check； he thrust his hand
into still another pocket； remarking：
〃The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater；
your Majesty； but for the fact that its missiles can be so
effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour
plates with a new… 〃
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach。
〃Search this man；〃 he said； 〃and report how many pockets he has。〃
〃Forty…three； Sire；〃 said the Great Head Factotum； completing the
scrutiny。
〃May it please your Majesty；〃 cried the Ingenious Patriot； in
terror； 〃one of them contains tobacco。〃
〃Hold him up by the ankles and shake him；〃 said the King； 〃then
give him a check for forty…two million tumtums and put him to
death。 Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence。〃
Two Kings
THE King of Madagao； being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar； wrote him as follows：
〃Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of
your Minister from my capital。〃
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand； the King of Bornegascar
replied：
〃I shall not recall my Minister。 Moreover； if you do not
immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him！〃
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to
comply he fell over his own feet； breaking the Third Commandment。
An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant； and said he must not do so any more on pain of
dismissal。
〃Don't be too hard on me；〃 said the Officer； smiling； 〃I was
beating him with a stuffed club。〃
〃Nevertheless；〃 persisted the Chief of Police； 〃it was a liberty
that must have been very disagreeable； though it may not have hurt。
Please do not repeat it。〃
〃But；〃 said the Officer； still smiling； 〃it was a stuffed Thug。〃
In attempting to express his gratification； the Chief of Police
thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was
ruptured at the arm…pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the
wound。 He was a stuffed Chief of Police。
The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely
to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering
with the switches he received word that the President of the road
was about to discharge him for incompetency。
〃Good Heavens！〃 he cried； 〃there are more accidents on my division
than on all the rest of the line。〃
〃The President is very particular；〃 said the Man who brought him
the news； 〃he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with
less damage to the company's property。〃
〃Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows？〃
exclaimed the indignant official； spiking a loose tie across the
rails。 〃Does he take me for an assassin？〃
How Leisure Came
A MAN to Whom Time Was Money； and who was bolting his breakfast in
order to catch a train； had leaned his newspaper against the sugar…
bowl and was reading as he ate。 In his haste and abstraction he
stuck a pickle…fork into his right eye； and on removing the fork
the eye came with it。 In buying spectacles the needless outlay for
the right lens soon reduced him to poverty； and the Man to Whom
Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a
wharf。
The Moral Sentiment
A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community； who was
carrying a hat…box。 〃What have you in the hat…box； my friend？〃
inquired the Pugilist。
〃A new frown；〃 was the answer。 〃I am bringing it from the frownery
… the one over there with the gilded steeple。〃
〃And what are you going to do with the nice new frown？〃 the
Pugilist asked。
〃Put down pugilism … if I have to wear it night and day；〃 said the
Moral Sentiment of the Community； sternly。
〃That's right；〃 said the Pugilist； 〃that is right； my good friend；
if pugilism had been put down yesterday； I wouldn't have this kind
of Nose to…day。 I had a rattling hot fight last evening with … 〃
〃Is that so？〃 cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community； with
sudden animation。 〃Which licked？ Sit down here on the hat…box and
tell me all about it！〃
The Politicians
AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a
beautiful country； by the dusty highway which leads to the City of
Prosperous Obscurity。 Lured by the flowers and the shade and
charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and
green fields； his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and
glittering palaces in the distance on either hand； the Young
Politician said：
〃Let us； I beseech thee； turn aside from this comfortless road
leading； thou knowest whither； but not I。 Let us turn our backs
upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages
which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining
hill。 Let us； if so thou wilt； follow this beautiful path； which；
as thou seest； hath a guide…board saying； 'Turn in here all ye who
seek the Palace of Political Distinction。'〃
〃It is a beautiful path； my son；〃 said the Old Politician； without
either slackening his pace or turning his head； 〃and it leadeth
among pleasant scenes。 But the search for the Palace of Political
Distinction is beset with one mighty peril。〃
〃What is that？〃 said the Young Politician。
〃The peril of finding it；〃 the Old Politician replied； pushing on。
The Thoughtful Warden
THE Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors
of all the cells when a mechanic said to him：
〃Those locks can all be opened from the inside … you are very
imprudent。〃
The Warden did not look up from his work； but said：
〃If that is called imprudence； I wonder what would be called a
thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune。〃
The Treasury and the Arms
A PUBLIC Treasury； feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents；
exclaimed：
〃Mr。 Shareman； I move for a division。〃
〃You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech；〃
said the Two Arms。
〃Yes；〃 replied the Public Treasury； 〃I am familiar with the hauls
of legislation。〃
The Christian Serpent
A RATTLESNAKE came home to his brood and said： 〃My children； gather
about and receive your father's last blessing； and see how a
Christian dies。〃
〃What ails you； Father？〃 asked the Small Snakes。
〃I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal；〃 was the
reply； accompanied by the ominous death…rattle。
The Broom of the Temple
THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of
the province of Ukwuk； the Wampog issued a proclamation convening