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inevitably ensure the Supply。 An industry of 〃Grant earning〃 was
created； and this would give education as a necessary by…product。
In the end this belief was found to need qualification； but Grant…
earning was still in full activity when I was a small boy。 So far
as the Science and Art Department and my father are concerned； the
task of examination was entrusted to eminent scientific men； for the
most part quite unaccustomed to teaching。 You see； if they also
were teaching similar classes to those they examined； it was feared
that injustice might be done。 Year after year these eminent persons
set questions and employed subordinates to read and mark the
increasing thousands of answers that ensued； and having no doubt the
national ideal of fairness well developed in their minds； they were
careful each year to re…read the preceding papers before composing
the current one； in order to see what it was usual to ask。 As a
result of this； in the course of a few years the recurrence and
permutation of questions became almost calculable； and since the
practical object of the teaching was to teach people not science；
but how to write answers to these questions； the industry of Grant…
earning assumed a form easily distinguished from any kind of genuine
education whatever。
Other remarkable compromises had also to be made with the spirit of
the age。 The unfortunate conflict between Religion and Science
prevalent at this time was mitigated； if I remember rightly； by
making graduates in arts and priests in the established church
Science Teachers EX OFFICIO； and leaving local and private
enterprise to provide schools； diagrams； books； material； according
to the conceptions of efficiency prevalent in the district。 Private
enterprise made a particularly good thing of the books。 A number of
competing firms of publishers sprang into existence specialising in
Science and Art Department work； they set themselves to produce
text…books that should supply exactly the quantity and quality of
knowledge necessary for every stage of each of five and twenty
subjects into which desirable science was divided； and copies and
models and instructions that should give precisely the method and
gestures esteemed as proficiency in art。 Every section of each book
was written in the idiom found to be most satisfactory to the
examiners； and test questions extracted from papers set in former
years were appended to every chapter。 By means of these last the
teacher was able to train his class to the very highest level of
grant…earning efficiency； and very naturally he cast all other
methods of exposition aside。 First he posed his pupils with
questions and then dictated model replies。
That was my father's method of instruction。 I attended his classes
as an elementary grant…earner from the age of ten until his death；
and it is so I remember him； sitting on the edge of a table；
smothering a yawn occasionally and giving out the infallible
formulae to the industriously scribbling class sitting in rows of
desks before him。 Occasionally be would slide to his feet and go to
a blackboard on an easel and draw on that very slowly and
deliberately in coloured chalks a diagram for the class to copy in
coloured pencils； and sometimes he would display a specimen or
arrange an experiment for them to see。 The room in the Institute in
which he taught was equipped with a certain amount of apparatus
prescribed as necessary for subject this and subject that by the
Science and Art Department； and this my father would supplement with
maps and diagrams and drawings of his own。
But he never really did experiments； except that in the class in
systematic botany he sometimes made us tease common flowers to
pieces。 He did not do experiments if he could possibly help it；
because in the first place they used up time and gas for the Bunsen
burner and good material in a ruinous fashion； and in the second
they were； in his rather careless and sketchy hands； apt to endanger
the apparatus of the Institute and even the lives of his students。
Then thirdly； real experiments involved washing up。 And moreover
they always turned out wrong； and sometimes misled the too observant
learner very seriously and opened demoralising controversies。 Quite
early in life I acquired an almost ineradicable sense of the
unscientific perversity of Nature and the impassable gulf that is
fixed between systematic science and elusive fact。 I knew； for
example； that in science； whether it be subject XII。； Organic
Chemistry； or subject XVII。； Animal Physiology； when you blow into a
glass of lime water it instantly becomes cloudy； and if you continue
to blow it clears again； whereas in truth you may blow into the
stuff from the lime…water bottle until you are crimson in the face
and painful under the ears； and it never becomes cloudy at all。 And
I knew； too； that in science if you put potassium chlorate into a
retort and heat it over a Bunsen burner； oxygen is disengaged and
may be collected over water； whereas in real life if you do anything
of the sort the vessel cracks with a loud report； the potassium
chlorate descends sizzling upon the flame； the experimenter says
〃Oh！ Damn！〃 with astonishing heartiness and distinctness； and a lady
student in the back seats gets up and leaves the room。
Science is the organised conquest of Nature； and I can quite
understand that ancient libertine refusing to cooperate in her own
undoing。 And I can quite understand； too； my father's preference
for what he called an illustrative experiment； which was simply an
arrangement of the apparatus in front of the class with nothing
whatever by way of material； and the Bunsen burner clean and cool；
and then a slow luminous description of just what you did put in it
when you were so ill…advised as to carry the affair beyond
illustration； and just exactly what ought anyhow to happen when you
did。 He had considerable powers of vivid expression； so that in
this way he could make us see all he described。 The class； freed
from any unpleasant nervous tension； could draw this still life
without flinching； and if any part was too difficult to draw； then
my father would produce a simplified version on the blackboard to be
copied instead。 And he would also write on the blackboard any
exceptionally difficult but grant…earning words； such as
〃empyreumatic〃 or 〃botryoidal。〃
Some words in constant use he rarely explained。 I remember once
sticking up my hand and asking him in the full flow of description；
〃Please； sir； what is flocculent？〃
〃The precipitate is。〃
〃Yes； sir； but what does it mean？〃
〃Oh！ flocculent！ 〃 said my father； 〃flocculent！ Why〃 he extended
his hand and arm and twiddled his fingers for a second in the air。
〃Like that；〃 he said。
I thought the explanation sufficient； but he paused for a moment
after giving it。 〃As in a flock bed； you know；〃 he added and
resumed his discourse。
3
My father； I am afraid； carried a natural incompetence in practical
affairs to an exceptionally high level。 He combined practical
incompetence； practical enterprise and a thoroughly sanguine
temperament； in a manner that I have never seen paralleled in any
human being。 He was always trying to do new things in the briskest
manner； under the suggestion of books or papers or his own
spontaneous imagination； and as he had never been trained to do
anything whatever in his life properly； his futilities were
extensive and thorough。 At one time he nearly gave up his classes
for intensive culture； so enamoured was he of its possibilities； the
peculiar pungency of the manure he got； in pursuit of a chemical
theory of his own； has scarred my olfactory memories for a lifetime。
The intensive culture phase is very clear in my memory； it came near
the end of his career and when I was between eleven and twelve。 I
was mobilised to gather caterpillars on several occasions； and
assisted in nocturnal raids upon the slugs by lantern…light that
wrecked my preparation work for school next day。 My father dug up
both lawns； and trenched and manured in spasms of immense vigour
alternating with periods of paralysing distaste for the garden。 And
for weeks he talked about eight hundred pounds an acre at every
meal。
A garden； even when it is not exasperated by intensive methods； is a
thing as exacting as a baby； its moods have to he watched； it does
not wait upon the cultivator's convenience； but has times of its
own。 Intensive culture greatly increases this disposition to
trouble mankind； it makes a garden touchy and hysterical； a drugged
and demoralised and over…irritated garden。 My father got at cross
purposes with our two patches at an early stage。 Everything grew
wrong from the first to last； and i