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me I could never be anything but just the entirely unimportant and
undistinguished young man I was for ever and ever。 I couldn't even
think of myself as five and thirty。
Once I remember Willersley going over a list of failures； and why
they had failedbut young men in the twenties do not know much
about failures。
10
Willersley and I professed ourselves Socialists； but by this time I
knew my Rodbertus as well as my Marx； and there was much in our
socialism that would have shocked Chris Robinson as much as anything
in life could have shocked him。 Socialism as a simple democratic
cry we had done with for ever。 We were socialists because
Individualism for us meant muddle； meant a crowd of separated；
undisciplined little people all obstinately and ignorantly doing
things jarringly； each one in his own way。 〃Each；〃 I said quoting
words of my father's that rose apt in my memory； 〃snarling from his
own little bit of property； like a dog tied to a cart's tail。〃
〃Essentially；〃 said Willersley； 〃essentially we're for conscription；
in peace and war alike。 The man who owns property is a public
official and has to behave as such。 That's the gist of socialism as
I understand it。〃
〃Or be dismissed from his post；〃 I said； 〃 and replaced by some
better sort of official。 A man's none the less an official because
he's irresponsible。 What he does with his property affects people
just the same。 Private！ No one is really private but an outlaw。 。 。 。
Order and devotion were the very essence of our socialism； and a
splendid collective vigour and happiness its end。 We projected an
ideal state； an organised state as confident and powerful as modern
science； as balanced and beautiful as a body； as beneficent as
sunshine； the organised state that should end muddle for ever； it
ruled all our ideals and gave form to all our ambitions。
Every man was to be definitely related to that； to have his
predominant duty to that。 Such was the England renewed we had in
mind； and how to serve that end； to subdue undisciplined worker and
undisciplined wealth to it； and make the Scientific Commonweal；
King； was the continuing substance of our intercourse。
11
Every day the wine of the mountains was stronger in our blood； and
the flush of our youth deeper。 We would go in the morning sunlight
along some narrow Alpine mule…path shouting large suggestions for
national re…organisation； and weighing considerations as lightly as
though the world was wax in our hands。 〃Great England；〃 we said in
effect； over and over again； 〃and we will be among the makers！
England renewed！ The country has been warned； it has learnt its
lesson。 The disasters and anxieties of the war have sunk in。
England has become serious。 。 。 。 Oh！ there are big things before
us to do； big enduring things！〃
One evening we walked up to the loggia of a little pilgrimage
church； I forget its name； that stands out on a conical hill at the
head of a winding stair above the town of Locarno。 Down below the
houses clustered amidst a confusion of heat…bitten greenery。 I had
been sitting silently on the parapet； looking across to the purple
mountain masses where Switzerland passes into Italy； and the drift
of our talk seemed suddenly to gather to a head。
I broke into speech； giving form to the thoughts that had been
accumulating。 My words have long since passed out of my memory； the
phrases of familiar expression have altered for me； but the
substance remains as clear as ever。 I said how we were in our
measure emperors and kings； men undriven； free to do as we pleased
with life； we classed among the happy ones； our bread and common
necessities were given us for nothing； we had abilities；it wasn't
modesty but cowardice to behave as if we hadn'tand Fortune watched
us to see what we might do with opportunity and the world。
〃There are so many things to do； you see；〃 began Willersley； in his
judicial lecturer's voice。
〃So many things we may do；〃 I interrupted； 〃with all these years
before us。 。 。 。 We're exceptional men。 It's our place； our duty；
to do things。〃
〃Here anyhow；〃 I said； answering the faint amusement of his face；
〃I've got no modesty。 Everything conspires to set me up。 Why
should I run about like all those grubby little beasts down there；
seeking nothing but mean little vanities and indulgenciesand then
take credit for modesty？ I KNOW I am capable。 I KNOW I have
imagination。 Modesty！ I know if I don't attempt the very biggest
things in life I am a damned shirk。 The very biggest！ Somebody has
to attempt them。 I feel like a loaded gun that is only a little
perplexed because it has to find out just where to aim itself。 。 。 。〃
The lake and the frontier villages； a white puff of steam on the
distant railway to Luino； the busy boats and steamers trailing
triangular wakes of foam； the long vista eastward towards
battlemented Bellinzona； the vast mountain distances； now tinged
with sunset light； behind this nearer landscape； and the southward
waters with remote coast towns shining dimly； waters that merged at
last in a luminous golden haze； made a broad panoramic spectacle。
It was as if one surveyed the world；and it was like the games I
used to set out upon my nursery floor。 I was exalted by it； I felt
larger than men。 So kings should feel。
That sense of largness came to me then； and it has come to me since；
again and again； a splendid intimation or a splendid vanity。 Once；
I remember； when I looked at Genoa from the mountain crest behind
the town and saw that multitudinous place in all its beauty of width
and abundance and clustering human effort； and once as I was
steaming past the brown low hills of Staten Island towards the
towering vigour and clamorous vitality of New York City； that mood
rose to its quintessence。 And once it came to me； as I shall tell；
on Dover cliffs。 And a hundred times when I have thought of England
as our country might be； with no wretched poor； no wretched rich； a
nation armed and ordered； trained and purposeful amidst its vales
and rivers； that emotion of collective ends and collective purposes
has returned to me。 I felt as great as humanity。 For a brief
moment I was humanity； looking at the world I had made and had still
to make。 。 。 。
12
And mingled with these dreams of power and patriotic service there
was another series of a different quality and a different colour；
like the antagonistic colour of a shot silk。 The white life and the
red life； contrasted and interchanged； passing swiftly at a turn
from one to another； and refusing ever to mingle peacefully one with
the other。 I was asking myself openly and distinctly： what are you
going to do for the world？ What are you going to do with yourself？
and with an increasing strength and persistence Nature in spite of
my averted attention was asking me in penetrating undertones： what
are you going to do about this other fundamental matter； the beauty
of girls and women and your desire for them？
I have told of my sisterless youth and the narrow circumstances of
my upbringing。 It made all women…kind mysterious to me。 If it had
not been for my Staffordshire cousins I do not think I should have
known any girls at all until I was twenty。 Of Staffordshire I will
tell a little later。 But I can remember still how through all those
ripening years； the thought of women's beauty； their magic presence
in the world beside me and the unknown； untried reactions of their
intercourse； grew upon me and grew； as a strange presence grows in a
room when one is occupied by other things。 I busied myself and
pretended to be wholly occupied； and there the woman stood； full
half of life neglected； and it seemed to my averted mind sometimes
that she was there clad and dignified and divine； and sometimes
Aphrodite shining and commanding； and sometimes that Venus who
stoops and allures。
This travel abroad seemed to have released a multitude of things in
my mind； the clear air； the beauty of the sunshine； the very blue of
the glaciers made me feel my body and quickened all those
disregarded dreams。 I saw the sheathed beauty of women's forms all
about me； in the cheerful waitresses at the inns； in the pedestrians
one encountered in the tracks； in the chance fellow travellers at
the hotel tables。 〃Confound it！〃 said I； and talked all the more
zealously of that greater England that was calling us。
I remember that we passed two Germans； an old man and a tall fair
girl； father and daughter； who were walking down from Saas。 She
came swinging and shining towards us； easy and strong。 I worshipped
her as she approached。
〃Gut Tag！〃 said Willersley； removing his hat。
〃Morgen！〃 said the