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THE LAZY TOUR OF TWO IDLE APPRENTICES
THE LAZY TOUR OF
TWO IDLE
APPRENTICES
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THE LAZY TOUR OF TWO IDLE APPRENTICES
CHAPTER I
In the autumn month of September； eighteen hundred and fifty…seven；
wherein these presents bear date； two idle apprentices； exhausted by the
long； hot summer； and the long； hot work it had brought with it； ran away
from their employer。 They were bound to a highly meritorious lady
（named Literature）； of fair credit and repute； though； it must be
acknowledged； not quite so highly esteemed in the City as she might be。
This is the more remarkable； as there is nothing against the respectable
lady in that quarter； but quite the contrary； her family having rendered
eminent service to many famous citizens of London。 It may be sufficient
to name Sir William Walworth； Lord Mayor under King Richard II。； at the
time of Wat Tyler's insurrection； and Sir Richard Whittington： which
latter distinguished man and magistrate was doubtless indebted to the
lady's family for the gift of his celebrated cat。 There is also strong reason
to suppose that they rang the Highgate bells for him with their own hands。
The misguided young men who thus shirked their duty to the mistress
from whom they had received many favours； were actuated by the low
idea of making a perfectly idle trip； in any direction。 They had no
intention of going anywhere in particular； they wanted to see nothing； they
wanted to know nothing； they wanted to learn nothing； they wanted to do
nothing。 They wanted only to be idle。 They took to themselves （after
HOGARTH）； the names of Mr。 Thomas Idle and Mr。 Francis Goodchild；
but there was not a moral pin to choose between them； and they were both
idle in the last degree。
Between Francis and Thomas； however； there was this difference of
character： Goodchild was laboriously idle； and would take upon himself
any amount of pains and labour to assure himself that he was idle； in short；
had no better idea of idleness than that it was useless industry。 Thomas
Idle； on the other hand； was an idler of the unmixed Irish or Neapolitan
type； a passive idler； a born…and… bred idler； a consistent idler； who
practised what he would have preached if he had not been too idle to
preach； a one entire and perfect chrysolite of idleness。
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THE LAZY TOUR OF TWO IDLE APPRENTICES
The two idle apprentices found themselves； within a few hours of their
escape； walking down into the North of England； that is to say； Thomas
was lying in a meadow； looking at the railway trains as they passed over a
distant viaduct … which was HIS idea of walking down into the North；
while Francis was walking a mile due South against time … which was HIS
idea of walking down into the North。 In the meantime the day waned； and
the milestones remained unconquered。
'Tom；' said Goodchild； 'the sun is getting low。 Up； and let us go
forward！'
'Nay；' quoth Thomas Idle； 'I have not done with Annie Laurie yet。' And
he proceeded with that idle but popular ballad； to the effect that for the
bonnie young person of that name he would 'lay him doon and dee' …
equivalent； in prose； to lay him down and die。
'What an ass that fellow was！' cried Goodchild； with the bitter
emphasis of contempt。
'Which fellow？' asked Thomas Idle。
'The fellow in your song。 Lay him doon and dee！ Finely he'd show
off before the girl by doing THAT。 A sniveller！ Why couldn't he get up；
and punch somebody's head！'
'Whose？' asked Thomas Idle。
'Anybody's。 Everybody's would be better than nobody's！ If I fell
into that state of mind about a girl； do you think I'd lay me doon and dee？
No； sir；' proceeded Goodchild； with a disparaging assumption of the
Scottish accent； 'I'd get me oop and peetch into somebody。 Wouldn't
you？'
'I wouldn't have anything to do with her；' yawned Thomas Idle。 'Why
should I take the trouble？'
'It's no trouble； Tom； to fall in love；' said Goodchild； shaking his head。
'It's trouble enough to fall out of it； once you're in it；' retorted Tom。
'So I keep out of it altogether。 It would be better for you； if you did the
same。'
Mr。 Goodchild； who is always in love with somebody； and not
unfrequently with several objects at once； made no reply。 He heaved a
sigh of the kind which is termed by the lower orders 'a bellowser；' and then；
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THE LAZY TOUR OF TWO IDLE APPRENTICES
heaving Mr。 Idle on his feet （who was not half so heavy as the sigh）； urged
him northward。
These two had sent their personal baggage on by train： only retaining
each a knapsack。 Idle now applied himself to constantly regretting the
train； to tracking it through the intricacies of Bradshaw's Guide； and
finding out where it is now … and where now … and where now … and to
asking what was the use of walking； when you could ride at such a pace as
that。 Was it to see the country？ If that was the object； look at it out of
the carriage windows。 There was a great deal more of it to be seen there
than here。 Besides； who wanted to see the country？ Nobody。 And
again； whoever did walk？ Nobody。 Fellows set off to walk； but they
never did it。 They came back and said they did； but they didn't。 Then
why should he walk？ He wouldn't walk。 He swore it by this milestone！
It was the fifth from London； so far had they penetrated into the North。
Submitting to the powerful chain of argument； Goodchild proposed a
return to the Metropolis； and a falling back upon Euston Square Terminus。
Thomas assented with alacrity； and so they walked down into the North by
the next morning's express； and carried their knapsacks in the luggage…
van。
It was like all other expresses； as every express is and must be。 It bore
through the harvest country a smell like a large washing… day； and a sharp
issue of steam as from a huge brazen tea…urn。 The greatest power in
nature and art combined； it yet glided over dangerous heights in the sight
of people looking up from fields and roads； as smoothly and unreally as a
light miniature plaything。 Now； the engine shrieked in hysterics of such
intensity； that it seemed desirable that the men who had her in charge
should hold her feet； slap her hands； and bring her to； now； burrowed into
tunnels with a stubborn and undemonstrative energy so confusing that the
train seemed to be flying back into leagues of darkness。 Here； were
station after station； swallowed up by the express without stopping； here；
stations where it fired itself in like a volley of cannon…balls； swooped
away four country…people with nosegays； and three men of business with
portmanteaus； and fired itself off again； bang； bang； bang！ At long
intervals were uncomfortable refreshment…rooms； made more
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THE LAZY TOUR OF TWO IDLE APPRENTICES
uncomfortable by the scorn of Beauty towards Beast； the public （but to
whom she never relented； as Beauty did in the story； towards the other
Beast）； and where sensitive stomachs were fed； with a contemptuous
sharpness occasioning indigestion。 Here； again； were stations with
nothing going but a bell； and wonderful wooden razors set aloft on great
posts； shaving the air。 In these fields； the horses； sheep； and cattle were
well used to the thundering meteor； and didn't mind； in those； they were all
set