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was light work that he could do； and started a dressmaker's business。
The third was left a widow without means。 She sent her three
children to boarding…school； and opened a tea…room。 I don't know how
they talked before； but I know that they do not talk now as though
earning the income was a sort of round game。
＇When they have tried it the other way round。＇
On the Continent they have gone deliberately to work； one would
imagine； to reverse matters。 Abroad woman is always where man ought
to be； and man where most ladies would prefer to meet with women。
The ladies garde…robe is superintended by a superannuated sergeant of
artillery。 When I want to curl my moustache； say； I have to make
application to a superb golden…haired creature； who stands by and
watches me with an interested smile。 I would be much happier waited
on by the superannuated sergeant； and my wife tells me she could very
well spare him。 But it is the law of the land。 I remember the first
time I travelled with my daughter on the Continent。 In the morning I
was awakened by a piercing scream from her room。 I struggled into my
pyjamas； and rushed to her assistance。 I could not see her。 I could
see nothing but a muscular…looking man in a blue blouse with a can of
hot water in one hand and a pair of boots in the other。 He appeared
to be equally bewildered with myself at the sight of the empty bed。
From a cupboard in the corner came a wail of distress：
〃Oh； do send that horrid man away。 What's he doing in my room？〃
I explained to her afterwards that the chambermaid abroad is always
an active and willing young man。 The foreign girl fills in her time
bricklaying and grooming down the horses。 It is a young and charming
lady who serves you when you enter the tobacconist's。 She doesn't
understand tobacco； is unsympathetic； with Mr。 Frederic Harrison；
regards smoking as a degrading and unclean habit； cannot see；
herself； any difference between shag and Mayblossom； seeing that they
are both the same price； thinks you fussy。 The corset shop is run by
a most presentable young man in a Vandyck beard。 The wife runs the
restaurant； the man does the cooking； and yet the woman has not
reached freedom from bother。
＇A brutal suggestion＇
It sounds brutal； but perhaps woman was not intended to live free
from all bothers。 Perhaps even the higher lifethe skirt…dancing
and the poker workhas its bothers。 Perhaps woman was intended to
take her share of the world's workof the world's bothers。
CHAPTER XII
＇Why I hate Heroes＇
When I was younger； reading the popular novel used to make me sad。 I
find it vexes others also。 I was talking to a bright young girl upon
the subject not so very long ago。
〃I just hate the girl in the novel；〃 she confessed。 〃She makes me
feel real bad。 If I don't think of her I feel pleased with myself；
and good； but when I read about herwell； I'm crazy。 I would not
mind her being smart； sometimes。 We can all of us say the right
thing； now and then。 This girl says them straight away； all the
time。 She don't have to dig for them even； they come crowding out of
her。 There never happens a time when she stands there feeling like a
fool and knowing that she looks it。 As for her hair： 'pon my word；
there are days when I believe it is a wig。 I'd like to get behind
her and give it just one pull。 It curls of its own accord。 She
don't seem to have any trouble with it。 Look at this mop of mine。
I've been working at it for three…quarters of an hour this morning；
and now I would not laugh； not if you were to tell me the funniest
thing； you'd ever heard； for fear it would come down again。 As for
her clothes； they make me tired。 She don't possess a frock that does
not fit her to perfection； she doesn't have to think about them。 You
would imagine she went into the garden and picked them off a tree。
She just slips it on and comes down； and thenmy stars！ All the
other women in the room may just as well go to bed and get a good
night's rest for all the chance they've got。 It isn't that she's
beautiful。 From what they tell you about her； you might fancy her a
freak。 Looks don't appear to matter to her； she gets there anyhow。
I tell you she just makes me boil。〃
Allowing for the difference between the masculine and feminine
outlook； this is precisely how I used to feel when reading of the
hero。 He was not always good； sometimes he hit the villain harder
than he had intended； and then he was sorrywhen it was too late；
blamed himself severely； and subscribed towards the wreath。 Like the
rest of us； he made mistakes； occasionally married the wrong girl。
But how well he did everything！does still for the matter of that； I
believe。 Take it that he condescends to play cricket！ He never
scores less than a hundreddoes not know how to score less than a
hundred； wonders how it could be done； supposing； for example； you
had an appointment and wanted to catch an early train。 I used to
play cricket myself； but I could always stop at ten or twenty。 There
have been times when I have stopped at even less。
It is the same with everything he puts his hand to。 Either he does
not care for boating at all； or； as a matter of course； he pulls
stroke in the University Boat…race； and then takes the train on to
Henley and wins the Diamond Sculls so easily that it hardly seems
worth while for the other fellow to have started。 Were I living in
Novel…land； and had I entered for the Diamond Sculls； I should put it
to my opponent before the word was given to us to go。
〃One minute！〃 I should have called out to him。 〃Are you the hero of
this novel； or； like myself； only one of the minor characters？
Because； if you are the hero you go on； don't you wait for me。 I
shall just pull as far as the boathouse and get myself a cup of tea。〃
＇Because it always seems to be his Day。＇
There is no sense of happy medium about the hero of the popular
novel。 He cannot get astride a horse without its going off and
winning a steeplechase against the favourite。 The crowd in Novel…
land appears to have no power of observation。 It worries itself
about the odds； discusses records； reads the nonsense published by
the sporting papers。 Were I to find myself on a racecourse in Novel…
land I should not trouble about the unessential； I should go up to
the bookie who looked as if he had the most money； and should say to
him：
〃Don't shout so loud； you are making yourself hoarse。 Just listen to
me。 Who's the hero of this novel？ Oh； that's he； is it？ The heavy…
looking man on the little brown horse that keeps coughing and is
suffering apparently from bone spavin？ Well； what are the odds
against his winning by ten lengths？ A thousand to one！ Very well！
Have you got a bag？Good。 Here's twenty…seven pounds in gold and
eighteen shillings in silver。 Coat and waistcoat； say another ten
shillings。 Shirt and trousersit's all right； I've got my pyjamas
on underneathsay seven and six。 Bootswe won't quarrelmake it
five bob。 That's twenty…nine pounds and sixpence； isn't it？ In
addition here's a mortgage on the family estate； which I've had made
out in blank； an I O U for fourteen pounds which has been owing to me
now for some time； and this bundle of securities which； strictly
speaking； belong to my Aunt Jane。 You keep that little lot till
after the race； and we will call it in round figures； five hundred
pounds。〃
That single afternoon would thus bring me in five hundred thousand
poundsprovided the bookie did not blow his brains out。
Backers in Novel…land do not seem to me to know their way about。 If
the hero of the popular novel swims at all； it is not like an
ordinary human being that he does it。 You never meet him in a
swimming…bath； he never pays ninepence； like the rest of us； for a
machine。 He goes out at uncanny hours； generally accompanied by a
lady friend； with whom the while swimming he talks poetry and cracks
jokes。 Some of us； when we try to talk in the sea； fill ourselves up
with salt water。 This chap lies on his back and carols； and the wild
waves； seeing him； go round the other way。 At billiards he can give
the average sharper forty in a hundred。 He does not really want to
play； he does it to teach these bad men a lesson。 He has not handled
a cue for years。 He picked up the game when a young man in
Australia； and it seems to have lingered with him。
He does not have to get up early and worry dumb…bells in his
nightshirt； he just lies on a sofa in an elegant attitude and muscle
comes to him。 If his horse declines to jump a hedge； he slips down
off the animal's back and throws the poor thing over； it saves
argument。 If he gets cross and puts his shoulder to the massive
oaken door； we know there is going to be work next morning for the
carpenter。 Maybe he is a party belonging to the Middle Ages。 Then
when he reluctantly challenges the crack fencer of Europe to a duel；
our instinct is to call out and warn his opponent。
〃You silly fool；〃 one feels one wants to say； 〃why； it is the hero of