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Consider the deplorable consequences； Mr。 Hood； which must result
from these proceedings； and the encouragement they receive in the highest
quarters。
The dwarf being the favourite； sir； it is certain that the public mind will
run in a great and eminent degree upon the production of dwarfs。
Perhaps the failures only will be brought up； wild。 The imagination goes
a long way in these cases； and all that the imagination can do； will be done；
and is doing。 You may convince yourself of this； by observing the
condition of those ladies who take particular notice of General Tom
Thumb at the Egyptian Hall； during his hours of performance。
The rapid increase of dwarfs； will be first felt in her Majesty's
recruiting department。 The standard will； of necessity； be lowered； the
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dwarfs will grow smaller and smaller； the vulgar expression 〃a man of his
inches〃 will become a figure of fact； instead of a figure of speech； crack
regiments； household…troops especially； will pick the smallest men from
all parts of the country； and in the two little porticoes at the Horse Guards；
two Tom Thumbs will be daily seen； doing duty； mounted on a pair of
Shetland ponies。 Each of them will be relieved （as Tom Thumb is at this
moment； in the intervals of his performance） by a wild man； and a British
Grenadier will either go into a quart pot； or be an Old Boy； or Blue Gull；
or Flying Bull； or some other savage chief of that nature。
I will not expatiate upon the number of dwarfs who will be found
representing Grecian statues in all parts of the metropolis； because I am
inclined to think that this will be a change for the better； and that the
engagement of two or three in Trafalgar Square will tend to the
improvement of the public taste。
The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs； sir； it
will be necessary to alter； in some respects； the present regulations。 It is
quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb himself could preserve a
becoming dignity on state occasions； if required to walk about with a
scaffolding…pole under his arm； therefore the gold and silver sticks at
present used； must be cut down into skewers of those precious metals； a
twig of the black rod will be quite as much as can be conveniently
preserved； the coral and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales；
will be used in lieu of the mace at present in existence； and that bauble （as
Oliver Cromwell called it； Mr。 Hood）； its value being first calculated by
Mr。 Finlayson； the government actuary； will be placed to the credit of the
National Debt。
All this； sir； will be the death of the constitution。 But this is not all。
The constitution dies hard； perhaps； but there is enough disease impending；
Mr。 Hood； to kill it three times over。
Wild men will get into the House of Commons。 Imagine that； sir！
Imagine Strong Wind in the House of Commons！ It is not an easy matter
to get through a debate now； but I say； imagine Strong Wind； speaking for
the benefit of his constituents； upon the floor of the House of Commons！
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or imagine （which is pregnant with more awful consequences still） the
ministry having an interpreter in the House of Commons； to tell the
country； in English； what it really means！
Why； sir； that in itself would be blowing the constitution out of the
mortar in St。 James's Park； and leaving nothing of it to be seen but smoke。
But this； I repeat it； is the state of things to which we are fast tending；
Mr。 Hood； and I enclose my card for your private eye； that you may be
quite certain of it。 What the condition of this country will be； when its
standing army is composed of dwarfs； with here and there a wild man to
throw its ranks into confusion； like the elephants employed in war in
former times； I leave you to imagine； sir。 It may be objected by some
hopeful jackanapeses； that the number of impressments in the navy；
consequent upon the seizure of the Boy…Joneses； or remaining portion of
the population ambitious of Court Favour； will be in itself sufficient to
defend our Island from foreign invasion。 But I tell those jackanapeses；
sir； that while I admit the wisdom of the Boy Jones precedent； of
kidnapping such youths after the expiration of their several terms of
imprisonment as vagabonds； hurrying them on board ship； and packing
them off to sea again whenever they venture to take the air on shore； I
deny the justice of the inference； inasmuch as it appears to me； that the
inquiring minds of those young outlaws must naturally lead to their being
hanged by the enemy as spies； early in their career； and before they shall
have been rated on the books of our fleet as able seamen。
Such； Mr。 Hood； sir； is the prospect before us！ And unless you； and
some of your friends who have influence at Court； can get up a giant as a
forlorn hope； it is all over with this ill…fated land。
In reference to your own affairs； sir； you will take whatever course
may seem to you most prudent and advisable after this warning。 It is not
a warning to be slighted： that I happen to know。 I am informed by the
gentleman who favours this； that you have recently been making some
changes and improvements in your Magazine； and are； in point of fact；
starting afresh。 If I be well informed； and this be really so； rely upon it
that you cannot start too small； sir。 Come down to the duodecimo size
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instantly； Mr。 Hood。 Take time by the forelock； and； reducing the stature
of your Magazine every month； bring it at last to the dimensions of the
little almanack no longer issued； I regret to say； by the ingenious Mr。
Schloss： which was invisible to the naked eye until examined through a
little eye… glass。
You project； I am told； the publication of a new novel； by yourself； in
the pages of your Magazine。 A word in your ear。 I am not a young man；
sir； and have had some experience。 Don't put your own name on the title…
page； it would be suicide and madness。 Treat with General Tom Thumb；
Mr。 Hood； for the use of his name on any terms。 If the gallant general
should decline to treat with you； get Mr。 Barnum's name； which is the next
best in the market。 And when； through this politic course； you shall have
received； in presents； a richly jewelled set of tablets from Buckingham
Palace； and a gold watch and appendages from Marlborough House； and
when those valuable trinkets shall be left under a glass case at your
publisher's for inspection by your friends and the public in general；then；
sir； you will do me the justice of remembering this communication。
It is unnecessary for me to add； after what I have observed in the
course of this letter； that I am not；sir； ever your
CONSTANT READER。
TUESDAY； 23rd April 1844。
P。S。Impress it upon your contributors that they cannot be too short；
and that if not dwarfish； they must be wildor at all events not tame。
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CRIME AND EDUCATION
I offer no apology for entreating the attention of the readers of The
Daily News to an effort which has been making for some three years and a
half； and which is making now； to introduce among the most miserable
and neglected outcasts in London； some knowledge of the commonest
principles of morality and religion； to commence their recognition as
immortal human creatures； before the Gaol Chaplain becomes their o