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Your laurels。〃
〃My laurels；〃 I repeated。 〃Such as they are； I fling them into your
lap。〃
〃Do you think they increase your value to me； Hugh？〃
〃I don't know；〃 I said thickly。
She shook her head。
〃No； it's you I likenot the laurels。〃
〃But if you care for me？〃 I began。
She lifted up her hands and folded them behind the knot of her hair。
〃It's extraordinary how little you have changed since we were children；
Hugh。 You are still sixteen years old； that's why I like you。 If you
got to be the sultan of sultans yourself； I shouldn't like you any
better； or any worse。〃
〃And yet you have just declared that power appeals to you！〃
〃Poweryes。 But a womana woman like mewants to be first； or
nothing。〃
〃You are first；〃 I asserted。 〃You always have been； if you had only
realized it。〃
She gazed up at me dreamily。
〃If you had only realized it！ If you had only realized that all I wanted
of you was to be yourself。 It wasn't what you achieved。 I didn't want
you to be like Ralph or the others。〃
〃Myself？ What are you trying to say？〃
〃Yourself。 Yes； that is what I like about you。 If you hadn't been in
such a hurryif you hadn't misjudged me so。 It was the power in you；
the craving； the ideal in you that I cared fornot the fruits of it。
The fruits would have come naturally。 But you forced them； Hugh； for
quicker results。〃
〃What kind of fruits？〃 I asked。
〃Ah；〃 she exclaimed； 〃how can I tell what they might have been！ You have
striven and striven； you have done extraordinary things； but have they
made you any happier？ have you got what you want？〃
I stooped down and seized her wrists from behind her head。
〃I want you； Nancy；〃 I said。 〃I have always wanted you。 You're more
wonderful to…day than you have ever been。 I could find myselfwith
you。〃
She closed her eyes。 A dreamy smile was on her face； and she lay
unresisting； very still。 In that tremendous moment； for which it seemed
I had waited a lifetime； I could have taken her in my armsand yet I did
not。 I could not tell why： perhaps it was because she seemed to have
passed beyond mefar beyondin realization。 And she was so still！
〃We have missed the way； Hugh；〃 she whispered； at last。
〃But we can find it again； if we seek it together；〃 I urged。
〃Ah； if I only could！〃 she said。 〃I could have once。 But now I'm
afraidafraid of getting lost。〃 Slowly she straightened up； her hands
falling into her lap。 I seized them again； I was on my knees in front of
her； before the fire； and she； intent； looking down at me； into me；
through me it seemedat something beyond which yet was me。
〃Hugh；〃 she asked； 〃what do you believe？ Anything？〃
〃What do I believe？〃
〃Yes。 I don't mean any cant； cut…and…dried morality。 The world is
getting beyond that。 But have you； in your secret soul； any religion at
all？ Do you ever think about it？ I'm not speaking about anything
orthodox； but some religioneven a tiny speck of it； a germharmonizing
with life； with that power we feel in us we seek to express and
continually violate。〃
〃Nancy！〃 I exclaimed。
〃Answer meanswer me truthfully；〃 she said。。。。
I was silent； my thoughts whirling like dust atoms in a storm。
〃You have always taken thingstaken what you wanted。 But they haven't
satisfied you； convinced you that that is all of life。〃
〃Do you meanthat we should renounce？〃 I faltered。
〃I don't know what I mean。 I am asking； Hugh； asking。 Haven't you any
clew？ Isn't there any voice in you； anywhere； deep down； that can tell
me？ give me a hint？ just a little one？〃
I was wracked。 My passion had not left me； it seemed to be heightened；
and I pressed her hands against her knees。 It was incredible that my
hands should be there； in hers； feeling her。 Her beauty seemed as fresh；
as un…wasted as the day； long since； when I despaired of her。 And yet
and yet against the tumult and beating of this passion striving to throb
down thought； thought strove。 Though I saw her as a woman； my senses and
my spirit commingled and swooned together。
〃This is life；〃 I murmured； scarcely knowing what I said。
〃Oh； my dear！〃 she cried； and her voice pierced me with pain； 〃are we to
be lost； overpowered； engulfed； swept down its stream； to come up below
driftingwreckage？ Where； then； would be your power？ I'm not speaking
of myself。 Isn't life more than that？ Isn't it in us； too；in you？
Think； Hugh。 Is there no god； anywhere； but this force we feel；
restlessly creating only to destroy？ You must answeryou must find
out。〃
I cannot describe the pleading passion in her voice； as though hell and
heaven were wrestling in it。 The woman I saw； tortured yet uplifted； did
not seem to be Nancy； yet it was the woman I loved more than life itself
and always had loved。
〃I can't think；〃 I answered desperately； 〃I can only feeland I can't
express what I feel。 It's mixed； it's dim； and yet bright and shining
it's you。〃
〃No； it's you；〃 she said vehemently。 〃Yon must interpret it。〃 Her voice
sank： 〃Could it be God？〃 she asked。
〃God！〃 I exclaimed sharply。
Her hands fell away from mine。。。。 The silence was broken only by the
crackling of the wood fire as a log turned over and fell。 Never before；
in all our intercourse that I could remember； had she spoken to me about
religion。。。。 With that apparent snap in continuity incomprehensible to
the masculine mind…her feminine mood had changed。 Elements I had never
suspected； in Nancy； awe； even a hint of despair； entered into it； and
when my hand found hers again； the very quality of its convulsive
pressure seemed to have changed。 I knew then that it was her soul
I loved most； I had been swept all unwittingly to its very altar。
〃I believe it is God；〃 I said。 But she continued to gaze at me； her lips
parted； her eyes questioning。
〃Why is it；〃 she demanded； 〃that after all these centuries of certainty
we should have to start out to find him again？ Why is it when something
happens likelike this； that we should suddenly be torn with doubts
about him； when we have lived the best part of our lives without so much
as thinking of him？〃
〃Why should you have qualms？〃 I said。 〃Isn't this enough？ and doesn't it
promiseall？〃
〃I don't know。 They're not qualmsin the old sense。〃 She smiled down
at me a little tearfully。 〃Hugh； do you remember when we used to go to
Sunday…school at Dr。 Pound's church； and Mrs。 Ewan taught us？ I really
believed something thenthat Moses brought down the ten commandments of
God from the mountain； all written out definitely for ever and ever。 And
I used to think of marriage〃 （I felt a sharp twinge）； 〃of marriage as
something sacred and inviolable；something ordained by God himself。 It
ought to be sooughtn't it？ That is the ideal。〃
〃Yesbut aren't you confusing？〃 I began。
〃I am confusing and confused。 I shouldn't beI shouldn't care if there
weren't something in you； in me； in ourfriendship； _ something I can't
explain； something that shines still through the fog and the smoke in
which we have lived our livessomething which； I think； we saw clearer
as children。 We have lost it in our hasty groping。 Oh； Hugh； I couldn't
bear to think that we should never find it！ that it doesn't really exist！
Because I seem to feel it。 But can we find it this way； my dear？〃 Her
hand tightened on mine。
〃But if the force drawing us together； that has always drawn us together；
is God？〃 I objected。
〃I asked you；〃 she said。 〃The time must come when you must answer； Hugh。
It may be too late； but you must answer。〃
〃I believe in taking life in my own hands；〃 I said。
〃It ought to be life；〃 said Nancy。 〃Itit might have been life。。。。 It
is only when a moment； a moment like this comes that the quality of what
we have lived seems so tarnished； that the atmosphere which we ourselves
have helped to make is so sordid。 When I think of the intrigues； and
divorces； the self…indulgences；when I think of my own marriage〃 her
voice caught。 〃How are we going to better it； Hugh； this way？ Am I to
get that part of you I love； and are you to get what you crave in me？
Can we just seize happiness？ Will it not elude us just as much as though
we believed firmly in the ten commandments？〃
〃No；〃 I declared obstinately。
She shook her head。
〃What I'm afraid of is that the world isn't made that wayfor youfor
me。 We're permitted to seize those other things because they're just
baubles； we've both found out how worthless they are。 And the worst of
it is they've made me a coward； Hugh。 It isn't that I couldn't do
without them； I've come to depend on them in another way。 It's because
they give me a certain protection；do you see？ they've come to stand in
the place of the real convictions we've lost。 Andwell； we've taken the
baubles； can we reach out our hands and takethis？ Won't we be punished
for it； frightfully punished？〃
〃I don't care if we are；〃 I said； and surprised myself。
〃But I care。 It's weak； it's cowardly； but it's so。 And yet I want to
face the situationI'm trying to get you to face it； to realize how
terrible it is。〃
〃I only know that I want you above everything else in the worldI'll
take care of you〃
I seized