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to the 〃Shgyptian obelisk〃 that the engineering problem presented struck
him as similar to the unloading of Cleopatra's Needle。
〃Careful； careful！〃 he cautioned； as certain expelling movements began
from within； 〃Easy； Ham； you jam…fool； keep the door shut； y'll break
me。〃
〃Now； Jerry； all heave sh'gether！〃 exclaimed a voice from the blackness
of the interior。
〃Will ye wait a minute； Mr。 Durrett； sir？〃 implored the cabdriver。
〃You'll be after ruining me cab entirely。〃 （Loud roars and vigorous
resistance from the obelisk； the cab rocking violently。） 〃This gintleman〃
（meaning me） 〃will have him by the head； and I'll get hold of his feet；
sir。〃 Which he did； after a severe kick in the stomach。
〃Head'sh all right； Martin。〃
〃To be sure it is； Mr。 Peters。 Now will ye rest aisy awhile； sir？〃
〃I'm axphyxiated；〃 cried another voice from the darkness； the mined voice
of Jerome Kyme； our classmate。
〃Get the tackles under him！〃 came forth in commanding tones from
Conybear。
In the meantime many windows had been raised and much gratuitous advice
was being given。 The three occupants of the cab's seat who had
previously clamoured for Mr。 Peters' removal； now inconsistently resisted
it； suddenly he came out with a jerk； and we had him fairly upright on
the pavement minus a collar and tie and the buttons of his evening
waistcoat。 Those who remained in the cab engaged in a riotous game of
hunt the slipper； while Tom peered into the dark interior； observing
gravely the progress of the sport。 First flew out an overcoat and a
much…battered hat； finally the pumps； all of which in due time were
adjusted to his person； and I started home with him； with much parting
counsel from the other three。
〃Whereinell were you； Hughie？〃 he inquired。 〃Hunted all over for you。
Had a sousin' good time。 Went to Babcock'shad champagnethen to see
Babesh inth'Woods。 Ham knows one of the Babesh had supper with four
of 'em。 Nice Babesh！〃
〃For heaven's sake don't step on me again！〃 I cried。
〃Sh'poloshize； old man。 But y'know I'm William Shakespheare。 C'n do
what I damplease。〃 He halted in the middle of the street and recited
dramatically：
〃'Not marble； nor th' gilded monuments
Of prinches sh'll outlive m' powerful rhyme。'〃
〃How's that； Alonzho； b'gosh？〃
〃Where did you learn it？〃 I demanded； momentarily forgetting his
condition。
〃Fr'm Ralph；〃 he replied； 〃says I wrote it。 Can't remember。。。。〃
After I had got him to bed；a service I had learned to perform with more
or less proficiency；I sat down to consider the events of the evening；
to attempt to get a proportional view。 The intensity of my disgust was
not hypocritical as I gazed through the open door into the bedroom and
recalled the times when I； too； had been in that condition。 Tom Peters
drunk； and sleeping it off； was deplorable； without doubt； but Hugh Paret
drunk was detestable； and had no excuse whatever。 Nor did I mean by this
to set myself on a higher ethical plane； for I felt nothing but despair
and humility。 In my state of clairvoyance I perceived that he was a
better man； than I； and that his lapses proceeded from a love of liquor
and the transcendent sense of good…fellowship that liquor brings。
VII。
The crisis through which I passed at Cambridge； inaugurated by the events
I have just related； I find very difficult to portray。 It was a
religious crisis； of course； and my most pathetic memory concerning it is
of the vain attempts to connect my yearnings and discontents with the
theology I had been taught； I began in secret to read my Bible； yet
nothing I hit upon seemed to point a way out of my present predicament；
to give any definite clew to the solution of my life。 I was not mature
enough to reflect that orthodoxy was a Sunday religion unrelated to a
world whose wheels were turned by the motives of self…interest； that it
consisted of ideals not deemed practical； since no attempt was made to
put them into practice in the only logical manner；by reorganizing
civilization to conform with them。 The implication was that the Christ
who had preached these ideals was not practical。。。。 There were
undoubtedly men in the faculty of the University who might have helped me
had I known of them； who might have given me； even at that time； a clew
to the modern； logical explanation of the Bible as an immortal record of
the thoughts and acts of men who had sought to do just what I was seeking
to do；connect the religious impulse to life and make it fruitful in
life： an explanation； by the way； a thousand…fold more spiritual than the
old。 But I was hopelessly entangled in the meshes of the mystic； the
miraculous and supernatural。 If I had analyzed my yearnings； I might
have realized that I wanted to renounce the life I had been leading； not
because it was sinful； but because it was aimless。 I had not learned
that the Greek word for sin is 〃a missing of the mark。〃 Just
aimlessness！ I had been stirred with the desire to perform some service
for which the world would be grateful： to write great literature；
perchance。 But it had never been suggested to me that such swellings of
the soul are religious； that religion is that kind of feeling； of motive
power that drives the writer and the scientist； the statesman and the
sculptor as well as the priest and the Prophet to serve mankind for the
joy of serving： that religion is creative； or it is nothing： not
mechanical； not a force imposed from without； but a driving power within。
The 〃religion〃 I had learned was salvation from sin by miracle： sin a
deliberate rebellion； not a pathetic missing of the mark of life； useful
service of man； not the wandering of untutored souls who had not been
shown the way。 I felt religious。 I wanted to go to church； I wanted to
maintain； when it was on me； that exaltation I dimly felt as communion
with a higher power； with God； and which also was identical with my
desire to write； to create。。。。
I bought books； sets of Wordsworth and Keats； of Milton and Shelley and
Shakespeare； and hid them away in my bureau drawers lest Tom and my
friends should see them。 These too I read secretly； making excuses for
not joining in the usual amusements。 Once I walked to Mrs。 Bolton's and
inquired rather shamefacedly for Hermann Krebs； only to be informed that
he had gone out。。。。 There were lapses； of course； when I went off on the
old excursions；for the most part the usual undergraduate follies；
though some were of a more serious nature； on these I do not care to
dwell。 Sex was still a mystery。。。。 Always I awoke afterwards to bitter
self…hatred and despair。。。。 But my work in English improved； and I
earned the commendation and friendship of Mr。 Cheyne。 With a wisdom for
which I was grateful he was careful not to give much sign of it in
classes； but the fact that he was 〃getting soft on me〃 was evident enough
to be regarded with suspicion。 Indeed the state into which I had fallen
became a matter of increasing concern to my companions； who tried every
means from ridicule to sympathy； to discover its cause and shake me out
of it。 The theory most accepted was that I was in love。
〃Come on now； Hughietell me who she is。 I won't give you away；〃 Tom
would beg。 Once or twice； indeed； I had imagined I was in love with the
sisters of Boston classmates whose dances I attended； to these parties
Tom； not having overcome his diffidence in respect to what he called
〃social life；〃 never could be induced to go。
It was Ralph who detected the true cause of my discontent。 Typical as no
other man I can recall of the code to which we had dedicated ourselves；
the code that moulded the important part of the undergraduate world and
defied authority； he regarded any defection from it in the light of
treason。 An instructor； in a fit of impatience； had once referred to him
as the Mephistopheles of his class； he had fatal attractions； and a
remarkable influence。 His favourite pastime was the capricious exercise
of his will on weaker characters； such as his cousin； Ham Durrett； if
they 〃swore off；〃 Ralph made it his business to get them drunk again； and
having accomplished this would proceed himself to administer a new oath
and see that it was kept。 Alcohol seemed to have no effect whatever on
him。 Though he was in the class above me； I met him frequently at a club
to which I had the honour to belong； then a suite of rooms over a shop
furnished with a pool and a billiard table； easy…chairs and a bar。 It
has since achieved the dignity of a house of its own。
We were having； one evening； a 〃religious〃 argument； Cinibar； Laurens and
myself and some others。 I can't recall how it began； I think Cinibar had
attacked the institution of compulsory chapel； which nobody defended；
there was something inherently wrong； he maintained； with a religion to
which men had to be driven against their wills。 Somewhat to my surprise
I found myself defending a Christianity out of which I had been able to
extract but little comfort and solace。 Neither Laurens nor Conybear；
however； were for annihilating it： although they took the other side of
the discussion of a subject of which none of us