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groceries in which the suggestion of parched coffee prevailed。 This is
the sharpest remembrance of all； and even to…day that odour affects me
somewhat in the manner that the interior of a ship affects a person prone
to seasickness。 My Cousin Robert； in his well…worn alpaca coat； was
already seated at his desk behind the clouded glass partition next the
alley at the back of the store； and as I entered he gazed at me over his
steel…rimmed spectacles with that same disturbing look of clairvoyance I
have already mentioned as one of his characteristics。 The grey eyes were
quizzical； and yet seemed to express a little commiseration。
〃Well； Hugh； you've decided to honour us； have you？〃 he asked。
〃I'm much obliged for giving me the place； Cousin Robert；〃 I replied。
But he had no use for that sort of politeness； and he saw through me； as
always。
〃So you're not too tony for the grocery business； eh？〃
〃Oh； no； sir。〃
〃It was good enough for old Benjamin Breck；〃 he said。 〃Well； I'll give
you a fair trial； my boy； and no favouritism on account of relationship；
any more than to Willie。〃
His strong voice resounded through the store； and presently my cousin
Willie appeared in answer to his summons； the same Willie who used to
lead me； on mischief bent； through the barns and woods and fields of
Claremore。 He was barefoot no longer； though freckled still； grown lanky
and tall； he wore a coarse blue apron that fell below his knees； and a
pencil was stuck behind his ear。
〃Get an apron for Hugh；〃 said his father。
Willie's grin grew wider。
〃I'll fit him out；〃 he said。
〃Start him in the shipping department；〃 directed Cousin Robert； and
turned to his letters。
I was forthwith provided with an apron； and introduced to the slim and
anaemic but cheerful Johnny Hedges； the shipping clerk； hard at work in
the alley。 Secretly I looked down on my fellow…clerks； as one destined
for a higher mission； made out of better stuff；finer stuff。 Despite my
attempt to hide this sense of superiority they were swift to discover it；
and perhaps it is to my credit as well as theirs that they did not resent
it。 Curiously enough； they seemed to acknowledge it。 Before the week
was out I had earned the nickname of Beau Brummel。
〃Say； Beau；〃 Johnny Hedges would ask； when I appeared of a morning； 〃what
happened in the great world last night？〃
I had an affection for them； these fellow…clerks； and I often wondered at
their contentment with the drab lives they led； at their self…
congratulation for 〃having a job〃 at Breck and Company's。
〃You don't mean to say you like this kind of work？〃 I exclaimed one day
to Johnny Hedges； as we sat on barrels of XXXX flour looking out at the
hot sunlight in the alley。
〃It ain't a question of liking it； Beau；〃 he rebuked me。 〃It's all very
well for you to talk； since your father's a millionaire〃 （a fiction so
firmly embedded in their heads that no amount of denial affected it）；
〃but what do you think would happen to me if I was fired？ I couldn't go
home and take it easyyou bet not。 I just want to shake hands with
myself when I think that I've got a home； and a job like this。 I know a
fellera hard worker he was； too who walked the pavements for three
months when the Colvers failed； and couldn't get nothing； and took to
drink； and the last I heard of him he was sleeping in police stations and
walking the ties； and his wife's a waitress at a cheap hotel。 Don't you
think it's easy to get a job。〃
I was momentarily sobered by the earnestness with which he brought home
to me the relentlessness of our civilization。 It seemed incredible。 I
should have learned a lesson in that store。 Barring a few discordant
days when the orders came in too fast or when we were short handed
because of sickness； it was a veritable hive of happiness； morning after
morning clerks and porters arrived； pale； yet smiling； and laboured with
cheerfulness from eight o'clock until six； and departed as cheerfully for
modest homes in obscure neighbourhoods that seemed to me areas of exile。
They were troubled with no visions of better things。 When the travelling
men came in from the 〃road〃 there was great hilarity。 Important
personages； these； looked up to by the city clerks； jolly； reckless；
Elizabethan…like rovers； who had tasted of the wine of libertyand of
other wines with the ineradicable lust for the road in their blood。 No
more routine for Jimmy Bowles； who was king of them all。 I shudder to
think how much of my knowledge of life I owe to this Jimmy； whose stories
would have filled a quarto volume； but could on no account have been
published； for a self…respecting post…office would not have allowed them
to pass through the mails。 As it was； Jimmy gave them circulation
enough。 I can still see his round face； with the nose just indicated；
his wicked； twinkling little eyes； and I can hear his husky voice fall to
a whisper when 〃the boss〃 passed through the store。 Jimmy； when visiting
us； always had a group around him。 His audacity with women amazed me；
for he never passed one of the 〃lady clerks〃 without some form of caress；
which they resented but invariably laughed at。 One day he imparted to me
his code of morality： he never made love to another man's wife； so he
assured me； if he knew the man！ The secret of life he had discovered in
laughter； and by laughter he sold quantities of Cousin Robert's
groceries。
Mr。 Bowles boasted of a catholic acquaintance in all the cities of his
district； but before venturing forth to conquer these he had learned his
own city by heart。 My Cousin Robert was not aware of the fact that Mr。
Bowles 〃showed〃 the town to certain customers。 He even desired to show
it to me； but an epicurean strain in my nature held me back。 Johnny
Hedges went with him occasionally； and Henry Schneider； the bill clerk；
and I listened eagerly to their experiences； afterwards confiding them to
Tom。。。。
There were times when； driven by an overwhelming curiosity； I ventured
into certain strange streets； alone； shivering with cold and excitement；
gripped by a fascination I did not comprehend； my eyes now averted； now
irresistibly raised toward the white streaks of light that outlined the
windows of dark houses。。。。
One winter evening as I was going home； I encountered at the mail…box a
young woman who shot at me a queer； twisted smile。 I stood still； as
though stunned； looking after her； and when halfway across the slushy
street she turned and smiled again。 Prodigiously excited； I followed
her； fearful that I might be seen by someone who knew me； nor was it
until she reached an unfamiliar street that I ventured to overtake her。
She confounded me by facing me。
〃Get out！〃 she cried fiercely。
I halted in my tracks； overwhelmed with shame。 But she continued to
regard me by the light of the street lamp。
〃You didn't want to be seen with me on Second Street； did you？ You're
one of those sneaking swells。〃
The shock of this sudden onslaught was tremendous。 I stood frozen to the
spot； trembling； convicted； for I knew that her accusation was just； I
had wounded her； and I had a desire to make amends。
〃I'm sorry；〃 I faltered。 〃I didn't meanto offend you。 And you smiled〃
I got no farther。 She began to laugh； and so loudly that I glanced
anxiously about。 I would have fled； but something still held me；
something that belied the harshness of her laugh。
〃You're just a kid；〃 she told me。 〃Say； you get along home； and tell
your mamma I sent you。〃
Whereupon I departed in a state of humiliation and self…reproach I had
never before known； wandering about aimlessly for a long time。 When at
length I arrived at home； late for supper； my mother's solicitude only
served to deepen my pain。 She went to the kitchen herself to see if my
mince…pie were hot； and served me with her own hands。 My father remained
at his place at the head of the table while I tried to eat； smiling
indulgently at her ministrations。
〃Oh； a little hard work won't hurt him； Sarah；〃 he said。 〃When I was his
age I often worked until eleven o'clock and never felt the worse for it。
Business must be pretty good； eh； Hugh？〃
I had never seen him in a more relaxing mood； a more approving one。 My
mother sat down beside me。。。。 Words seem useless to express the
complicated nature of my suffering at that moment；my remorse； my sense
of deception； of hypocrisy；yes； and my terror。 I tried to talk
naturally； to answer my father's questions about affairs at the store；
while all the time my eyes rested upon the objects of the room； familiar
since childhood。 Here were warmth； love； and safety。 Why could I not be
content with them； thankful for them？ What was it in me that drove me
from these sheltering walls out into the dark places？ I glanced at my
father。 Had he ever known these wild； destroying desires？ Oh； if I only
could have confided in him！ The very idea of it was preposterous。 Such
placidity as theirs would never understand the nature of my temptations；
and I pictured to myself their horror and despair at my revelation。 In
imagination I beheld their figures receding while I drifted out to sea；
alone。 Would th