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scientific work a sentence truly religious！ As I continued to read these
works； I found them suffused with religion； religion of a kind and
quality I had not imagined。 The birthright of the spirit of man was
freedom； freedom to experiment； to determine； to createto create
himself； to create society in the image of God！ Spiritual creation the
function of cooperative man through the coming ages； the task that was to
make him divine。 Here indeed was the germ of a new sanction； of a new
motive； of a new religion that strangely harmonized with the concepts of
the oldonce the dynamic power of these was revealed。
I had been thinking of my familyof my family in terms of Matthewand
yet with a growing yearning that embraced them all。 I had not informed
Maude of my illness； and I had managed to warn Tom Peters not to do so。
I had simply written her that after the campaign I had gone for a rest to
California； yet in her letters to me； after this information had reached
her； I detected a restrained anxiety and affection that troubled me。
Sequences of words curiously convey meanings and implications that
transcend their literal sense； true thoughts and feelings are difficult
to disguise even in written speech。 Could it be possible after all that
had happened that Maude still loved me？ I continually put the thought
away from me； but continually it returned to haunt me。 Suppose Maude
could not help loving me； in spite of my weaknesses and faults； even as I
loved Nancy in spite of hers？ Love is no logical thing。
It was Matthew I wanted； Matthew of whom I thought； and trivial； long…
forgotten incidents of the past kept recurring to me constantly。 I still
received his weekly letters； but he did not ask why； since I had taken a
vacation； I had not come over to them。 He represented the medium； the
link between Maude and me that no estrangement； no separation could
break。
All this new vision of mine was for him； for the coming generation； the
soil in which it must be sown； the Americans of the future。 And who so
well as Matthew； sensitive yet brave； would respond to it？ I wished not
only to give him what I had begun to grasp； to study with him； to be his
companion and friend； but to spare him； if possible； some of my own
mistakes and sufferings and punishments。 But could I go back？ Happy
coincidences of desires and convictions had been so characteristic of
that other self I had been struggling to cast off： I had so easily been
persuaded； when I had had a chance of getting Nancy； that it was the
right thing to do！ And now； in my loneliness； was I not growing just as
eager to be convinced that it was my duty to go back to the family which
in the hour of self…sufficiency I had cast off？ I had believed in
divorce thenwhy not now？ Well； I still believed in it。 I had thought
of a union with Nancy as something that would bring about the 〃self…
realization that springs from the gratification of a great passion；〃an
appealing phrase I had read somewhere。 But； it was at least a favourable
symptom that I was willing now to confess that the 〃self…realization〃 had
been a secondary and sentimental consideration； a rosy； self…created halo
to give a moral and religious sanction to my desire。 Was I not trying to
do that very thing now？ It tortured me to think so； I strove to achieve
a detached consideration of the problem；to arrive at length at a
thought that seemed illuminating： that the it wrongness〃 or 〃rightness；〃
utility and happiness of all such unions depend upon whether or not they
become a part of the woof and warp of the social fabric； in other words；
whether the gratification of any particular love by divorce and
remarriage does or does not tend to destroy a portion of that fabric。
Nancy certainly would have been justified in divorce。 It did not seem in
the retrospect that I would have been： surely not if； after I had married
Nancy； I had developed this view of life that seemed to me to be the true
view。 I should have been powerless to act upon it。 But the chances were
I should not have developed it； since it would seem that any salvation
for me at least must come precisely through suffering； through not
getting what I wanted。 Was this equivocating？
My mistake had been in marrying Maude instead of Nancya mistake largely
due to my saturation with a false idea of life。 Would not the attempt to
cut loose from the consequences of that mistake in my individual case
have been futile？ But there was a remedy for itthe remedy Krebs had
suggested： I might still prevent my children from making such a mistake；
I might help to create in them what I might have been； and thus find a
solution for myself。 My errors would then assume a value。
But the question tortured me： would Maude wish it？ Would it be fair to
her if she did not？ By my long neglect I had forfeited the right to go。
And would she agree with my point of view if she did permit me to stay？
I had less concern on this score； a feeling that that development of
hers； which once had irritated me； was in the same direction as my
own。。。。
I have still strangely to record moments when； in spite of the
aspirations I had achieved； of the redeeming vision I had gained； at the
thought of returning to her I revolted。 At such times recollections came
into my mind of those characteristics in her that had seemed most
responsible for my alienation。。。。 That demon I had fed so mightily still
lived。 By what righthe seemed to askhad I nourished him all these
years if now I meant to starve him？ Thus sometimes he defied me； took on
Protean guises； blustered； insinuated； cajoled； managed to make me
believe that to starve him would be to starve myself； to sap all there
was of power in me。 Let me try and see if I could do it！ Again he
whispered； to what purpose had I gained my liberty； if now I renounced
it？ I could not live in fetters； even though the fetters should be self…
imposed。 I was lonely now； but I would get over that； and life lay
before me still。
Fierce and tenacious； steel in the cruelty of his desires； fearful in the
havoc he had wrought； could he be subdued？ Foiled； he tore and rent
me。。。。
One morning I rode up through the shady canon； fragrant with bay； to the
open slopes stained smoky…blue by the wild lilac； where the twisted
madrona grows。 As I sat gazing down on tiny headlands jutting out into a
vast ocean my paralyzing indecision came to an end。 I turned my horse
down the trail again。 I had seen at last that life was bigger than I；
bigger than Maude； bigger than our individual wishes and desires。 I felt
as though heavy shackles had been struck from me。 As I neared the house
I spied my young doctor in the garden path； his hands in his pockets
watching a humming…bird poised over the poppies。 He greeted me with a
look that was not wholly surprise at my early return； that seemed to have
in it something of gladness。
〃Strafford；〃 I said； 〃I've made up my mind to go to Europe。〃
〃I have been thinking for some time； Mr。 Paret；〃 he replied； 〃that a sea…
voyage is just what you need to set you on your feet。〃
I started eastward the next morning； arriving in New York in time to
catch one of the big liners sailing for Havre。 On my way across the
continent I decided to send a cable to Maude at Paris； since it were only
fair to give her an opportunity to reflect upon the manner in which she
would meet the situation。 Save for an impatience which at moments I
restrained with difficulty； the moods that succeeded one another as I
journeyed did not differ greatly from those I had experienced in the past
month。 I was alternately exalted and depressed； I hoped and doubted and
feared； my courage； my confidence rose and fell。 And yet I was aware of
the nascence within me of an element that gave me a stability I had
hitherto lacked： I had made my decision； and I felt the stronger for it。
It was early in March。 The annual rush of my countrymen and women for
foreign shores had not as yet begun； the huge steamer was far from
crowded。 The faint throbbing of her engines as she glided out on the
North River tide found its echo within me as I leaned on the heavy rail
and watched the towers of the city receding in the mist； they became
blurred and ghostlike； fantastic in the grey distance； sad； appealing
with a strange beauty and power。 Once the sight of them； sunlit；
standing forth sharply against the high blue of American skies； had
stirred in me that passion for wealth and power of which they were so
marvellously and uniquely the embodiment。 I recalled the bright day of
my home…coming with Maude； when she too had felt that passion drawing me
away from her； after the briefest of possessions。。。。 Well； I had had it；
the power。 I had stormed and gained entrance to the citadel itself。 I
might have lived here in New York； secure； defiant of a veering public
opinion that envied while it strove to sting。 Why was I flinging it all
away？ Was this a sudden resolution of mine； forced by events；
precipitated by a failure to achieve what of all things on earth I had
most desired？ or was it the inevitable result of the development of the
Hugh Paret of earlier