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rent free； the curiosity that attaches to a man who has been canted
out of a ship in mid…ocean； and lives to tell it； and then Lord
Tadcaster； married into another noble house； swears by him； and
talks of him； so does Lady Cicely Munster； late Treherne； and when
such friends as these are warm； it makes a physician the centre of
an important clientele； but his best friend of all is his
unflagging industry； and his truly wonderful diagnosis； which
resembles divination。 He has the ball at his feet； and above all；
that without which worldly success soon palls； a happy home； a
fireside warm with sympathy。
Mrs。 Staines is an admiring； sympathizing wife； and an admirable
housekeeper。 She still utters inadvertencies now and then； commits
new errors at odd times； but never repeats them when exposed。
Observing which docility； Uncle Philip has been heard to express a
fear that； in twenty years； she will be the wisest woman in
England。 〃But； thank heaven！〃 he adds； 〃I shall be gone before
that。〃
Her conduct and conversation afford this cynic constant food for
observation； and he has delivered himself oracularly at various
stages of the study： but I cannot say that his observations； taken
as a whole； present that consistency which entitles them to be
regarded as a body of philosophy。 Examples： In the second month
after Mrs。 Staines came to live with him； he delivered himself
thus： 〃My niece Rosa is an anomaly。 She gives you the impression
she is shallow。 Mind your eye： in one moment she will take you out
of your depth or any man's depth。 She is like those country
streams I used to fish for pike when I was young； you go along；
seeing the bottom everywhere； but presently you come to a corner；
and it is fifteen deep all in a moment； and souse you go over head
and ears： that's my niece Rosa。〃
In six months he had got to thisand； mind you； each successive
dogma was delivered in a loud； aggressive tone； and in sublime
oblivion of the preceding oracle〃My niece Rosa is the most artful
woman。 （You may haw！ haw！ haw！ as much as you like。 You have not
found out her little gameI have。） What is the aim of all women？
To be beloved by an unconscionable number of people。 Well； she
sets up for a simpleton； and so disarms all the brilliant people；
and they love her。 Everybody loves her。 Just you put her down in
a room with six clever women； and you will see who is the favorite。
She looks as shallow as a pond； and she is as deep as the ocean。〃
At the end of the year he threw off the mask altogether。 〃The
great sweetener of a man's life；〃 said he； 〃is 'a simpleton。' I
shall not go abroad any more； my house has become attractive： I've
got a simpleton。 When I have a headache； her eyes fill with tender
concern； and she hovers about me and pesters me with pillows： when
I am cross with her； she is afraid I am ill。 When I die； and leave
her a lot of money； she will howl for months； and say I don't want
his money： 'I waw…waw…waw…waw…want my Uncle Philip； to love me； and
scold me。' One day she told me； with a sigh； I hadn't lectured her
for a month。 'I am afraid I have offended you；' says she； 'or else
worn you out； dear。' When I am well； give me a simpleton； to make
me laugh。 When I am ill； give me a simpleton to soothe me with her
innocent tenderness。 A simpleton shall wipe the dews of death； and
close my eyes： and when I cross the river of death； let me be met
by a band of the heavenly host； who were all simpletons here on
earth； and too good for such a hole； so now they are in heaven； and
their garments always whitebecause there are no laundresses there。〃
Arrived at this point； the Anglo…Saxon race will retire； grinning；
to fresh pastures； and leave this champion of 〃a Simpleton；〃 to
thunder paradoxes in a desert。
End