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house。 But now for the first time I
knew what my grandmother and my
uncles had meant when they told me
about the way they had come into the
wilderness； and about the great happi…
ness and freedom of those first days。 I；
too； felt this freedom； and it seemed to
me as if I never again wanted walls to
close in on me。 All my fear was gone；
and I felt wild and glad。 I could not
believe that I was only a little girl。 I
felt taller even than my father。
Father's mood was like mine in a
way。 He had memories to add to his
emotion； but then； on the other hand；
he lacked the sense of discovery I had；
for he had known often such feelings
as were coming to me for the first time。
When he was a young man he had been
a colporteur for the American Bible So…
ciety among the Lake Superior Indians；
and in that way had earned part of the
money for his course at the University
of Michigan； afterward he had gone
with other gold…seekers to Pike's Peak；
and had crossed the plains with oxen；
in the company of many other adven…
turers； then； when President Lincoln
called for troops； he had returned to
enlist with the Michigan men； and had
served more than three years with Mc…
Clellan and Grant。
So； naturally； there was nothing he
did not know about making himself
comfortable in the open。 He knew all
the sorrow and all the joy of the home…
less man； and now； as he cooked； he be…
gan to sing the old songs 〃Marching
Through Georgia；〃 and 〃Bury Me Not
on the Lone Prairie；〃 and 〃In the
Prison Cell I Sit。〃 He had been in a
Southern prison after the Battle of the
Wilderness； and so he knew how to sing
that song with particular feeling。
I had heard war stories all my life；
though usually father told such tales in
a half…joking way； as if to make light of
everything he had gone through。 But
now； as we ate there under the tossing
pines； and the wild chorus in the tree…
tops swelled like a rising sea； the spirit
of the old days came over him。 He was
a good 〃stump speaker；〃 and he knew
how to make a story come to life； and
never did all his simple natural gifts
show themselves better than on this
night； when he dwelt on his old cam…
paigns。
For the first time I was to look into
the heart of a kindly natured man；
forced by terrible necessity to go
through the dread experience of war。
I gained an idea of the unspeakable
homesickness of the man who leaves
his family to an unimagined fate； and
sacrifices years in the service of his
country。 I saw that the mere foregoing
of roof and bed is an indescribable dis…
tress； I learned something of what the
palpitant anxiety before a battle must
be； and the quaking fear at the first
rattle of bullets； and the half…mad rush
of determination with which men force
valour into their faltering hearts； I
was made to know something of the
blight of war the horror of the battle…
field； the waste of bounty； the ruin of
homes。
Then； rising above this； came stories
of devotion； of brotherhood； of service
on the long； desolate marches； of cour…
age to the death of those who fought
for a cause。 I began to see wherein
lay the highest joy of the soldier； and
of how little account he held himself；
if the principle for which he fought
could be preserved。 I heard for the
first time the wonderful words of Lin…
coln at Gettysburg； and learned to re…
peat a part of them。
I was only eight； it is true； but emo…
tion has no age； and I understood then
as well as I ever could； what heroism
and devotion and self…forgetfulness
mean。 I understood； too； the meaning
of the words 〃our country；〃 and my
heart warmed to it； as in the older times
the hearts of boys and girls warmed
to the name of their king。 The new
knowledge was so beautiful that I
thought then； and I think now； that
nothing could have served as so fit an
accompaniment to it as the shouting of
those pines。 They sang like heroes；
and in their swaying gave me fleeting
glimpses of the stars； unbelievably
brilliant in the dusky purple sky； and
half…obscured now and then by drifting
clouds。
By and by we lay down； not far apart；
each rolled in an army blanket； frayed
with service。 Our feet were to the fire
for it was so that soldiers lay； my fa…
ther said and our heads rested on
mounds of pine…needles。
Sometimes in the night I felt my fa…
ther's hand resting lightly on my shoul…
ders to see that I was covered； but in
my dreams he ceased to be my father
and became my comrade； and I was a
drummer boy； I had seen the play；
〃The Drummer Boy of the Rappahan…
nock；〃 marching forward； with set
teeth； in the face of battle。
Whatever could redeem war and
make it glorious seemed to flood my
soul。 All that was highest； all that was
noble in that dreadful conflict came to
me in my sleep to me； the child who
had been born when my father was at
〃the front。〃 I had a strange baptism
of the spirit。 I discovered sorrow and
courage； singing trees and stars。 I was
never again to think that the fireside
and fireside thoughts made up the whole
of life。
My father lies with other soldiers by
the Pacific； the forest sings no more；
the old army blankets have disap…
peared； the memories of the terrible
war are fading； happily fading； but
they all live again； sometimes； in my
memory； and I am once more a child；
with thoughts as proud and fierce and
beautiful as Valkyries。
II
SOLITUDE
AMONG the pictures that I see
when I look back into the past； is
the one where I； a sullen； egotistic per…
son nine years old； stood quite alone in
the world。 To he sure； there were fa…
ther and mother in the house； and there
were the other children； and not one
among them knew I was alone。 The
world certainly would not have re…
garded me as friendless or orphaned。
There was nothing in my mere appear…
ance； as I started away to school in my
clean ginghams； with my well…brushed
hair； and embroidered school…bag； to
lead any one to suppose that I was a
castaway。 Yet I was I had discovered
this fact； hidden though it might be
from others。
I was no longer loved。 Father and
mother loved the other children； but not
me。 I might come home at night； fairly
bursting with important news about
what had happened in class or among
my friends； and try to relate my little
histories。 But did mother listen？ Not
at all。 She would nod like a mandarin
while I talked； or go on turning the
leaves of her book； or writing her letter。
What I said was of no importance to
her。
Father was even less interested。 He
frankly told me to keep still； and went
on with the accounts in which he was
so absurdly interested； or examined
〃papers〃 stupid…looking things done
on legal cap； which he brought home
with him from the office。 No one kissed
me when I started away in the morn…
ing； no one kissed me when I came home
at night。 I went to bed unkissed。 I
felt myself to be a lonely and misunder…
stood child perhaps even an adopted
one。
Why； I knew a little girl who； when
she went up to her room at night； found
the bedclothes turned back； and the
shade drawn； and a screen placed so as
to keep off drafts。 And her mother
brushed her hair twenty minutes by the
clock each night； to make it glossy； and
then she sat by her bed and sang softly
till the girl fell asleep。
I not only had to open my own bed；
but the beds for the other children； and
although I sometimes felt my mother's
hand tucking in the bedclothes round
me； she never stooped and kissed me on
the brow and said； 〃Bless you； my
child。〃 No one； in all my experience；
had said； 〃Bless you； my child。〃 When
the girl I have spoken of came into the
room； her mother reached out her arms
and said； before everybody； 〃Here
comes my dear little girl。〃 When I
came into a room； I was usually told to
do something for somebody。 It was
〃Please see if the fire needs more
wood；〃 or 〃Let the cat in； please；〃 or
〃I'd like you to weed the pansy bed be…
fore supper…time。〃
In these circumstances； life hardly
seemed worth living。 I decided that I
had made a mistake in choosing my
family。 It did not appreciate me； and
it failed to make my young life glad。
I knew my young life ought to be glad。
And it was not。 It was drab； as drab
as Toot's old rain…coat。
Toot was 〃our coloured boy。〃 That
is the way we described him。 Father
had brought him home from the war；
and had sent him to school； and then
apprenticed him to a miller。 Toot did
〃chores〃 for his board and clothes；
but was soon to be his own man； and to
be paid money by the miller； and to
marry Tulula Darthula Jones； a nice
coloured girl who lived with the Cut…
lers。
The time had been when Toot had
been my self…appointed slave。 Almost
my first recollections were of his carry…
ing me out to see the train pass； and
saying； 〃Toot； toot！〃 in imitation of
the locomotive； so； although he had
rather a splendid name； I called him
〃Toot；〃 and the whole town followed
my example。 Yes； the time had been
when Toot saw me safe to school； and
slipped little red apples into my pocket；
and took me out while he milked the
cow； and told me stories and sang me
plantation songs。 Now； when he passed；
he only nodded。 When I spoke to him
about his