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if you do not make a strange and proper jumble of the sublime and the
ridiculous； the lofty and the low。 I have looked at the world； for my part；
and come to the conclusion that I know not which is which。
Well； then； on the night when Mrs Hayes； as recorded by us； had been
to the Marylebone Gardens； Mr。 Wood had found the sincerest enjoyment
in plying her husband with drink； so that； when Catherine arrived at home；
Mr。 Hayes came forward to meet her in a manner which showed he was
not only surly； but drunk。 Tom stepped out of the coach first； and Hayes
asked him； with an oath； where he had been？ The oath Mr。 Billings sternly
flung back again （with another in its company）； and at the same time
refused to give his stepfather any sort of answer to his query。
〃The old man is drunk； mother；〃 said he to Mrs。 Hayes； as he handed
that lady out of the coach （before leaving which she had to withdraw her
hand rather violently from the grasp of the Count； who was inside）。 Hayes
instantly showed the correctness of his surmise by slamming the door
courageously in Tom's face； when he attempted to enter the house with his
mother。 And when Mrs。 Catherine remonstrated； according to her wont； in
a very angry and supercilious tone； Mr。 Hayes replied with equal
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Catherine： A Story
haughtiness； and a regular quarrel ensued。
People were accustomed in those days to use much more simple and
expressive terms of language than are now thought polite； and it would be
dangerous to give； in this present year 1840； the exact words of reproach
which passed between Hayes and his wife in 1726。 Mr。 Wood sat near；
laughing his sides out。 Mr。 Hayes swore that his wife should not go abroad
to tea…gardens in search of vile Popish noblemen； to which Mrs。 Hayes
replied； that Mr。 Hayes was a pitiful； lying； sneaking cur； and that she
would go where she pleased。 Mr。 Hayes rejoined that if she said much
more he would take a stick to her。 Mr。 Wood whispered； 〃And serve her
right。〃 Mrs。 Hayes thereupon swore she had stood his cowardly blows
once or twice before； but that if ever he did so again； as sure as she was
born； she would stab him。 Mr。 Wood said； 〃Curse me； but I like her spirit。〃
Mr。 Hayes took another line of argument； and said； 〃The neighbours
would talk； madam。〃
〃Ay； that they will； no doubt；〃 said Mr。 Wood。
〃Then let them；〃 said Catherine。 〃What do we care about the
neighbours？ Didn't the neighbours talk when you sent Widow Wilkins to
gaol？ Didn't the neighbours talk when you levied on poor old Thomson？
You didn't mind THEN； Mr； Hayes。〃
〃Business； ma'am； is business； and if I did distrain on Thomson； and
lock up Wilkins； I think you knew about it as much as I。〃
〃I'faith； I believe you're a pair；〃 said Mr。 Wood。
〃Pray； sir； keep your tongue to yourself。 Your opinion isn't asked
anyhowno； nor your company wanted neither；〃 cried Mrs。 Catherine；
with proper spirit。
At which remark Mr。 Wood only whistled。
〃I have asked this here gentleman to pass this evening along with me。
We've been drinking together； ma'am。〃
〃That we have〃； said Mr。 Wood； looking at Mrs。 Cat with the most
perfect good…humour。
〃I say； ma'am； that we've been a…drinking together； and when we've
been a…drinking together； I say that a man is my friend。 Doctor Wood is
my friend； madamthe Reverend Doctor Wood。 We've passed the evening
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Catherine： A Story
in company； talking about politics； madampolitics and riddle…iddle…igion。
We've not been flaunting in tea…gardens； and ogling the men。〃
〃It's a lie！〃 shrieked Mrs。 Hayes。 〃I went with Tomyou know I did：
the boy wouldn't let me rest till I promised to go。〃
〃Hang him； I hate him；〃 said Mr。 Hayes： 〃he's always in my way。〃
〃He's the only friend I have in the world； and the only being I care a
pin for；〃 said Catherine。
〃He's an impudent idle good…for…nothing scoundrel； and I hope to see
him hanged！〃 shouted Mr。 Hayes。 〃And pray； madam； whose carriage was
that as you came home in？ I warrant you paid something for the rideha；
ha！〃
〃Another lie！〃 screamed Cat； and clutched hold of a supper…knife。 〃Say
it again； John Hayes； and； by I'll do for you。〃
〃Do for me？ Hang me；〃 said Mr。 Hayes； flourishing a stick； and
perfectly pot…valiant； 〃do you think I care for a bastard and a？〃
He did not finish the sentence； for the woman ran at him like a savage；
knife in hand。 He bounded back； flinging his arms about wildly； and struck
her with his staff sharply across the forehead。 The woman went down
instantly。 A lucky blow was it for Hayes and her： it saved him from death；
perhaps； and her from murder。
All this scenea very important one of our dramamight have been
described at much greater length； but； in truth； the author has a natural
horror of dwelling too long upon such hideous spectacles： nor would the
reader be much edified by a full and accurate knowledge of what took
place。 The quarrel； however； though not more violent than many that had
previously taken place between Hayes and his wife； was about to cause
vast changes in the condition of this unhappy pair。
Hayes was at the first moment of his victory very much alarmed； he
feared that he had killed the woman； and Wood started up rather anxiously
too； with the same fancy。 But she soon began to recover。 Water was
brought； her head was raised and bound up； and in a short time Mrs。
Catherine gave vent to a copious fit of tears； which relieved her somewhat。
These did not affect Hayes muchthey rather pleased him； for he saw he
had got the better； and although Cat fiercely turned upon him when he
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made some small attempt towards reconciliation； he did not heed her anger；
but smiled and winked in a self…satisfied way at Wood。 The coward was
quite proud of his victory； and finding Catherine asleep； or apparently so；
when he followed her to bed； speedily gave himself up to slumber too； and
had some pleasant dreams to his portion。
Mr。 Wood also went sniggering and happy upstairs to his chamber。 The
quarrel had been a real treat to him； it excited the old man… …tickled him
into good…humour； and he promised himself a rare continuation of the fun
when Tom should be made acquainted with the circumstances of the
dispute。 As for his Excellency the Count； the ride from Marylebone
Gardens； and a tender squeeze of the hand； which Catherine permitted to
him on parting； had so inflamed the passions of the nobleman； that； after
sleeping for nine hours； and taking his chocolate as usual the next morning；
he actually delayed to read the newspaper； and kept waiting a toy…shop
lady from Cornhill （with the sweetest bargain of Mechlin lace）； in order to
discourse to his chaplain on the charms of Mrs。 Hayes。
She； poor thing； never closed her lids； except when she would have
had Mr。 Hayes imagine that she slumbered； but lay beside him； tossing and
tumbling； with hot eyes wide open and heart thumping； and pulse of a
hundred and ten； and heard the heavy hours tolling； and at last the day
came peering； haggard； through the window…curtains； and found her still
wakeful and wretched。
Mrs。 Hayes had never been； as we have seen； especially fond of her
lord； but now； as the day made visible to her the sleeping figure and
countenance of that gentleman； she looked at him with a contempt and
loathing such as she had never felt even in all the years of her wedded life。
Mr。 Hayes was snoring profoundly： by his bedside； on his ledger； stood a
large greasy tin candlestick； containing a lank tallow…candle； turned down
in the shaft； and in the lower part； his keys； purse； and tobacco…pipe； his
feet were huddled up in his greasy threadbare clothes； his head and half
his sallow face muffled up