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spouse very uneasy； for he found me perplexed； and yet thought
I was not open with him； and did not let him into every part
of my grievance； and he would often say； he wondered what
he had done that I would not trust him with whatever it was；
especially if it was grievous and afflicting。 The truth is； he
ought to have been trusted with everything； for no man in the
world could deserve better of a wife； but this was a thing I
knew not how to open to him； and yet having nobody to
disclose any part of it to；the burthen was too heavy for my
mind； for let them say whatthey please of our sex not being
able to keep a secret； my life is a plain conviction to me of the
contrary； but be it our sex； or the man's sex； a secret of moment
should always have a confidant；a bosom friend； to whom we
may communicate the joy of it； or the grief of it； be it which
it will； or it will be a double weight upon the spirits； and
perhaps become even insupportable in itself； and this I appeal
to all human testimony for the truth of。
And this is the cause why many times men as well as women；
and men of the greatest and best qualities other ways； yet have
found themselves weak in this part； and have not been able to
bear the weight of a secret joy or of a secret sorrow； but have
been obliged to disclose it； even for the mere giving vent to
themselves； and to unbend the mind oppressed with the load
andweights which attended it。 Nor was this any token of folly
orthoughtlessness at all； but a natural consequence of the thing；
and such people； had they struggled longer with the oppression；
would certainly have told it in their sleep； and disclosed the
secret； let it have been of what fatal nature soever； without
regard to the person to whom it might be exposed。 This
necessity of nature is a thing which works sometimes with
such vehemence in the minds of those who are guilty of any
atrocious villainy； such as secret murder in particular； that they
have been obliged to discover it； though the consequence
would necessarily be their own destruction。 Now； thought it
may be true that the divine justice ought to have the glory of
all those discoveries and confessions； yet 'tis as certain that
Providence； which ordinarily works by the hands of nature；
makes use here of the same naturalcauses to produce those
extraordinary effects。
I could give several remarkable instances of this in my long
conversation with crime and with criminals。 I knew one fellow
that； while I was in prison in Newgate； was one of those they
called then night…fliers。 I know not what other word they may
have understood it by since； but he was one who by connivance
was admitted to go abroad every evening； when he played his
pranks； and furnished those honest people they call thief…catchers
with business to find out the next day； and restore for a reward
what they had stolen the evening before。 This fellow was as
sure to tell in his sleep all that he had done； and every step he
had taken； what he had stolen； and where； as sure as if he had
engaged to tell it waking； and that there was no harm or danger
in it； and therefore he was obliged； after he had been out； to
lock himself up； or be locked up by some of the keepers that
had him in fee； that nobody should hear him； but； on the other
hand； if he had told all the particulars； and given a full account
of his rambles and success； to any comrade； any brother thief；
or to his employers； as I may justly call them； then all was
well with him； and he slept as quietly as other people。
As the publishing this account of my life is for the sake of the
just moral of very part of it； and for instruction； caution；
warning； and improvement to every reader； so this will not
pass； I hope； for an unnecessary digression concerning some
people being obliged to disclose the greatest secrets either of
their own or other people's affairs。
Under the certain oppression of this weight upon my mind； I
laboured in the case I have been naming； and the only relief
I found for it was to let my husband into so much of it as I
thought would convince him of the necessity there was for us
to think of settling in some other part of the world； and the
next consideration before us was； which part of the English
settlements we should go to。 My husband was a perfect stranger
to the country； and had not yet so much as a geographical
knowledge of the situation of the several places； and I； that；
till I wrote this； did not know what the word geographical
signified； had only a general knowledge from long conversation
with people that came from or went to several places； but this
I knew； that Maryland； Pennsylvania； East and West Jersey；
New York； and New England lay all north of Virginia； and
that they were consequently all colder climates； to which for
that very reason； I had an aversion。 For that as I naturally
loved warm weather； so now I grew into years I had a stronger
inclination to shun a cold climate。 I therefore considered of
going to Caroline； which is the only southern colony of the
English on the continent of America； and hither I proposed to
go； and the rather because I might with great ease come from
thence at any time； when it might be proper to inquire after
my mother's effects； and to make myself known enough to
demand them。
With this resolution I proposed to my husband our going away
from where we was； and carrying all our effects with us to
Caroline； where we resolved to settle； for my husband readily
agreed to the first part； viz。 that was not at all proper to stay
where we was； since I had assured him we should be known
there； and the rest I effectually concealed from him。
But now I found a new difficulty upon me。 The main affair
grew heavy upon my mind still； and I could not think of going
out of the country without somehow or other making inquiry
into the grand affair of what my mother had one for me； nor
could I with any patience bear the thought of going away； and
not make myself known to my old husband （brother）； or to my
child； his son； only I would fain have had this done without
my new husband having any knowledge of it； or they having
any knowledge of him； or that I had such a thing as a husband。
I cast about innumerable ways in my thoughts how this might
be done。 I would gladly have sent my husband away to
Caroline with all our goods； and have come after myself； but
this was impracticable； he would never stir without me； being
himself perfectly unacquainted with the country； and with the
methods of settling there or anywhere else。 Then I thought
wewould both go first with part of our goods； and that when
we were settled I should come back to Virginia and fetch the
remainder； but even then I knew he would never part with me；
and be left there to go on alone。 The case was plain； he was
bread a gentleman； and by consequence was not only
unacquainted； but indolent； and when we did settle； would
much rather go out into the woods with his gun； which they
call there hunting； and which is the ordinary work of the
Indians； and which they do as servants； I say； he would rather
do that than attend the natural business of his plantation。
These were therefore difficulties insurmountable； and such as
I knew not what to do in。 I had such strong impressions on
mymind about discovering myself to my brother； formerly
my husband； that I could not withstand them； and the rather；
because it ran constantly in my thoughts； that if I did not do
it while he lived； I might in vain endeavour to convince my
son afterward that I was really the same person； and that I was
his mother； and so might both lose the assistance and comfort
of the relation； and the benefit of whatever it was my mother
had leftme； and yet； on the other hand； I could never think it
proper to discover myself to them in the circumstances I was
in； as well relating to the having a husband with me as to my
being brought over by a legal transportation as a criminal； on
both which accounts it was absolutely necessary to me to
remove from the place where I was； and come again to him；
as from another place and in another figure。
Upon those considerations； I went on with telling my husband
the absolute necessity there was of our not settling in Potomac
River； at least that we should be presently made public there；
whereas if we went to any other place in the world； we should
come in with as much reputation as any family that came to
plant； that； as it was always agreeable to the inhabitants to
have families come among them to plant； who brought substance
with them； either to purchase plantations or begin new ones；
so we should be sure of a kind； agreeable reception； and that
without any possibility of a discovery of our circumstances