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explains in what manner the volatile effluvia from the intestines
stimulate and promote the operations of the animal economy： he
affirmed； the last Grand Duke of Tuscany； of the Medicis family；
who refined upon sensuality with the spirit of a philosopher； was
so delighted with that odour； that he caused the essence of
ordure to be extracted； and used it as the most delicious
perfume： that he himself （the doctor） when he happened to be low…spirited；
or fatigued with business； found immediate relief and
uncommon satisfaction from hanging over the stale contents of a
close…stool； while his servant stirred it about under his nose；
nor was this effect to be wondered at； when we consider that this
substance abounds with the self…same volatile salts that are so
greedily smelled to by the most delicate invalids； after they
have been extracted and sublimed by the chemists。 By this time
the company began to hold their noses； but the doctor； without
taking the least notice of this signal； proceeded to shew； that
many fetid substances were not only agreeable but salutary； such
as assa foetida； and other medicinal gums； resins； roots； and
vegetables； over and above burnt feathers； tan…pits； candle…snuffs；
&c。 In short； he used many learned arguments to persuade
his audience out of their senses； and from stench made a
transition to filth； which he affirmed was also a mistaken idea；
in as much as objects so called； were no other than certain
modifications of matter； consisting of the same principles that
enter into the composition of all created essences； whatever they
may be： that in the filthiest production of nature； a philosopher
considered nothing but the earth； water； salt and air； of which
it was compounded； that； for his own part； he had no more
objections to drinking the dirtiest ditch…water； than he had to a
glass of water from the Hot Well； provided he was assured there
was nothing poisonous in the concrete。 Then addressing himself to
my uncle； 'Sir （said he） you seem to be of a dropsical habit； and
probably will soon have a confirmed ascites： if I should be
present when you are tapped； I will give you a convincing proof
of what I assert； by drinking without hesitation the water that
comes out of your abdomen。' The ladies made wry faces at this
declaration； and my uncle； changing colour； told him he did not
desire any such proof of his philosophy： 'But I should he glad to
know （said he） what makes you think I am of a dropsical habit？'
'Sir； I beg pardon （replied the Doctor） I perceive your ancles
are swelled； and you seem to have the facies leucophlegmatica。
Perhaps； indeed； your disorder may be oedematous； or gouty； or it
may be the lues venerea： If you have any reason to flatter
yourself it is this last； sir； I will undertake to cure you with
three small pills； even if the disease should have attained its
utmost inveteracy。 Sir； it is an arcanum； which I have
discovered； and prepared with infinite labour。 Sir； I have
lately cured a woman in Bristol a common prostitute； sir； who
had got all the worst symptoms of the disorder； such as nodi；
tophi； and gummata； verruca； cristoe Galli； and a serpiginous
eruption； or rather a pocky itch all over her body。 By the time
she had taken the second pill； sir； by Heaven！ she was as smooth
as my hand； and the third made her sound and as fresh as a new
born infant。' 'Sir （cried my uncle peevishly） I have no reason to
flatter myself that my disorder comes within the efficacy of your
nostrum。 But this patient you talk of may not be so sound at
bottom as you imagine。' 'I can't possibly be mistaken （rejoined
the philosopher） for I have had communication with her three
times I always ascertain my cures in that manner。' At this
remark； all the ladies retired to another corner of the room； and
some of them began to spit。 As to my uncle； though he was
ruffled at first by the doctor's saying he was dropsical； he
could not help smiling at this ridiculous confession and； I
suppose； with a view to punish this original； told him there was
a wart upon his nose； that looked a little suspicious。 'I don't
pretend to be a judge of those matters （said he） but I understand
that warts are often produced by the distemper； and that one upon
your nose seems to have taken possession of the very keystone of
the bridge； which I hope is in no danger of falling。' Ln seemed
a little confounded at this remark； and assured him it was
nothing but a common excrescence of the cuticula； but that the
bones were all sound below； for the truth of this assertion he
appealed to the touch； desiring he would feel the part。 My uncle
said it was a matter of such delicacy to meddle with a
gentleman's nose； that he declined the office upon which； the
Doctor turning to me； intreated me to do him that favour。 I
complied with his request； and handled it so roughly； that he
sneezed； and the tears ran down his cheeks； to the no small
entertainment of the company； and particularly of my uncle； who
burst out a…laughing for the first time since I have been with
him； and took notice； that the part seemed to be very tender。
'Sir （cried the Doctor） it is naturally a tender part； but to
remove all possibility of doubt； I will take off the wart this
very night。'
So saying； he bowed； with great solemnity all round； and retired
to his own lodgings； where he applied a caustic to the wart； but
it spread in such a manner as to produce a considerable
inflammation； attended with an enormous swelling； so that when he
next appeared； his whole face was overshadowed by this tremendous
nozzle； and the rueful eagerness with which he explained this
unlucky accident； was ludicrous beyond all description。 I was
much pleased with meeting the original of a character； which you
and I have often laughed at in description； and what surprises me
very much； I find the features in the picture； which has been
drawn for him； rather softened than over…charged。
As I have something else to say； and this letter has run to an
unconscionable length； I shall now give you a little respite； and
trouble you again by the very first post。 I wish you would take
it in your head to retaliate these double strokes upon
Yours always；
J。 MELFORD
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS； of Jesus college； Oxon。
HOT WELL； April 20。
DEAR KNIGHT；
I now sit down to execute the threat in the tail of my last。 The
truth is； I am big with the secret； and long to be delivered。 It
relates to my guardian； who； you know； is at present our
principal object in view。
T'other day； I thought I had detected him in such a state of
frailty； as would but ill become his years and character。 There
is a decent sort of woman； not disagreeable in her person； that
comes to the Well； with a poor emaciated child； far gone in a
consumption。 I had caught my uncle's eyes several times directed
to this person； with a very suspicious expression in them； and
every time he saw himself observed； he hastily withdrew them；
with evident marks of confusion I resolved to watch him more
narrowly； and saw him speaking to her privately in a corner of
the walk。 At length； going down to the Well one day； I met her
half way up the hill to Clifton； and could not help suspecting
she was going to our lodgings by appointment； as it was about one
o'clock； the hour when my sister and I are generally at the Pump…room。
This notion exciting my curiosity； I returned by a back…way；
and got unperceived into my own chamber； which is contiguous
to my uncle's apartment。 Sure enough； the woman was introduced
but not into his bedchamber； he gave her audience in a parlour；
so that I was obliged to shift my station to another room； where；
however； there was a small chink in the partition； through which
I could perceive what passed。 My uncle； though a little lame；
rose up when she came in； and setting a chair for her； desired
she would sit down： then he asked if she would take a dish of
chocolate； which she declined； with much acknowledgment。 After a
short pause； he said； in a croaking tone of voice； which
confounded me not a little； 'Madam； I am truly concerned for your
misfortunes； and if this trifle can be of any service to you； I
beg you will accept it without ceremony。' So saying； he put a bit
of paper into her hand； which she opening with great trepidation；
exclaimed in an extacy； 'Twenty pounds！ Oh； sir！' and sinking
down upon a settee； fainted away Frightened at this fit； and；
I suppose； afraid of calling for assistance； lest her situation
should give rise to unfavourable conjectures； he ran about the
room in distraction； making frightful grimaces； and； at length；
had recollection enough to throw a little water in her face； by
which application she was brought to herself： but； then her
feeling took another turn。 She shed a flood of tears； and cried
aloud； 'I know not who you are： but； sure worthy sir
generous sir！ the distress of me and my poor dying child
Oh！ if the widow's prayers if the orphan's tears of gratitude
can ought avail gracious Providence Blessings！ shower
down eternal blessings。' Here she was interrupted by my uncle；
who muttered in a voice still more and more discordant； 'For
Heaven'