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deficient in good manners and decorum。 'But let us have recourse
to experience （said I） Jack Holder； who was intended for a
parson； has succeeded to an estate of two thousand a year； by the
death of his elder brother。 He is now at the Bath； driving about
in a phaeton and four； with French horns。 He has treated with
turtle and claret at all the taverns in Bath and Bristol； till
his guests are gorged with good chear： he has bought a dozen
suits of fine clothes； by the advice of the Master of the
Ceremonies； under whose tuition he has entered himself。 He has
lost hundreds at billiards to sharpers； and taken one of the
nymphs of Avon…street into keeping； but； finding all these
channels insufficient to drain him of his current cash； his
counsellor has engaged him to give a general tea…drinking to…morrow
at Wiltshire's room。 In order to give it the more eclat；
every table is to be furnished with sweet…meats and nosegays；
which； however； are not to be touched till notice is given by the
ringing of a bell； and then the ladies may help themselves
without restriction。 This will be no bad way of trying the
company's breeding。'
'I will abide by that experiment （cried my uncle） and if I could
find a place to stand secure； without the vortex of the tumult；
which I know will ensue； I would certainly go thither and enjoy
the scene。' Quin proposed that we should take our station in the
music…gallery； and we took his advice。 Holder had got thither
before us； with his horns perdue； but we were admitted。 The tea…drinking
passed as usual； and the company having risen from the
tables； were sauntering in groupes； in expectation of the signal
for attack； when the bell beginning to ring； they flew with
eagerness to the dessert； and the whole place was instantly in
commotion。 There was nothing but justling； scrambling； pulling；
snatching； struggling； scolding； and screaming。 The nosegays were
torn from one another's hands and bosoms； the glasses and china
went to wreck； the tables and floors were strewed with comfits。
Some cried； some swore； and the tropes and figures of
Billingsgate were used without reserve in all their native zest
and flavour； nor were those flowers of rhetoric unattended with
significant gesticulation。 Some snapped their fingers； some
forked them out； some clapped their hands； and some their back…sides；
at length； they fairly proceeded to pulling caps； and
every thing seemed to presage a general battle； when Holder
ordered his horns to sound a charge； with a view to animate the
combatants； and inflame the contest； but this manoeuvre produced
an effect quite contrary to what he expected。 It was a note of
reproach that roused them to an immediate sense of their
disgraceful situation。 They were ashamed of their absurd
deportment； and suddenly desisted。 They gathered up their caps；
ruffles； and handkerchiefs； and great part of them retired in
silent mortification。
Quin laughed at this adventure； but my uncle's delicacy was hurt。
He hung his head in manifest chagrin； and seemed to repine at the
triumph of his judgment Indeed； his victory was more complete
than he imagined； for； as we afterwards learned； the two amazons
who singularized themselves most in the action； did not come from
the purlieus of Puddle…dock； but from the courtly neighbourhood
of St James's palace。 One was a baroness； and the other； a
wealthy knight's dowager My uncle spoke not a word； till we had
made our retreat good to the coffee…house； where； taking off his
hat and wiping his forehead； 'I bless God （said he） that Mrs
Tabitha Bramble did not take the field today！' 'I would pit her
for a cool hundred （cried Quin） against the best shake…bag of the
whole main。' The truth is； nothing could have kept her at home
but the accident of her having taken physic before she knew the
nature of the entertainment。 She has been for some days
furbishing up an old suit of black velvet； to make her appearance
as Sir Ulic's partner at the next ball。
I have much to say of this amiable kinswoman； but she has not
been properly introduced to your acquaintance。 She is remarkably
civil to Mr Quin； of whose sarcastic humour she seems to stand in
awe； but her caution is no match for her impertinence。 'Mr Gwynn
（said she the other day） I was once vastly entertained with your
playing the Ghost of Gimlet at Drury…lane； when you rose up
through the stage； with a white face and red eyes； and spoke of
quails upon the frightful porcofine Do； pray； spout a little the
Ghost of Gimlet。' 'Madam （said Quin； with a glance of ineffable
disdain） the Ghost of Gimlet is laid； never to rise again'
Insensible of this check； she proceeded： 'Well； to be sure； you
looked and talked so like a real ghost； and then the cock crowed
so natural。 I wonder how you could teach him to crow so exact； in
the very nick of time； but； I suppose； he's game An't he game；
Mr Gwynn？' 'Dunghill； madam。' 'Well； dunghill； or not dunghill；
he has got such a clear counter…tenor； that I wish I had such
another at Brambleton…hall； to wake the maids of a morning。 Do
you know where I could find one of his brood？' 'Probably in the
work…house at St Giles's parish； madam； but I protest I know not
his particular mew！' My uncle； frying with vexation； cried； 'Good
God； sister； how you talk！ I have told you twenty times； that
this gentleman's name is not Gwynn。' 'Hoity toity； brother mine
（she replied） no offence； I hope Gwynn is an honorable name； of
true old British extraction I thought the gentleman had been
come of Mrs Helen Gwynn； who was of his own profession； and if so
be that were the case； he might be of king Charles's breed； and
have royal blood in his veins。' 'No； madam （answered Quin； with
great solemnity） my mother was not a whore of such distinction
True it is； I am sometimes tempted to believe myself of royal
descent； for my inclinations are often arbitrary If I was an
absolute prince； at this instant； I believe I should send for the
head of your cook in a charger She has committed felony； on the
person of that John Dory； which is mangled in a cruel manner； and
even presented without sauce O tempora！ O mores！'
This good…humoured sally turned the conversation into a less
disagreeable channel But； lest you should think my scribble as
tedious as Mrs Tabby's clack； I shall not add another word； but
that I am as usual
Yours；
J。 MELFORD
BATH； April 30。
To Dr LEWIS。
DEAR LEWIS；
I received your bill upon Wiltshire； which was punctually
honoured； but as I don't choose to keep so much cash by me； in a
common lodging house； I have deposited 250l。 in the bank of Bath；
and shall take their bills for it in London； when I leave this
place； where the season draws to an end You must know； that now
being a…foot； I am resolved to give Liddy a glimpse of London。
She is one of the best hearted creatures I ever knew； and gains
upon my affection every day As for Tabby； I have dropt such
hints to the Irish baronet； concerning her fortune； as； I make no
doubt； will cool the ardour of his addresses。 Then her pride will
take the alarm； and the rancour of stale maidenhood being chafed；
we shall hear nothing but slander and abuse of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut This rupture； I foresee； will facilitate our
departure from Bath； where； at present； Tabby seems to enjoy
herself with peculiar satisfaction。 For my part； I detest it so
much； that I should not have been able to stay so long in the
place if I had not discovered some old friends； whose
conversation alleviates my disgust Going to the coffeehouse one
forenoon； I could not help contemplating the company； with equal
surprize and compassion We consisted of thirteen individuals；
seven lamed by the gout； rheumatism； or palsy； three maimed by
accident； and the rest either deaf or blind。 One hobbled； another
hopped； a third dragged his legs after him like a wounded snake；
a fourth straddled betwixt a pair of long crutches； like the
mummy of a felon hanging in chains； a fifth was bent into a
horizontal position； like a mounted telescope； shoved in by a
couple of chairmen； and a sixth was the bust of a man； set
upright in a wheel machine； which the waiter moved from place to
place。
Being struck with some of their faces； I consulted the
subscription…book； and； perceiving the names of several old
friends； began to consider the groupe with more attention。 At
length I discovered rear…admiral Balderick； the companion of my
youth； whom I had not seen since he was appointed lieutenant of
the Severn。 He was metamorphosed into an old man； with a wooden
leg and a weatherbeaten face； which appeared the more ancient
from his grey locks； that were truly venerable Sitting down at
the table； where he was reading a news…paper； I gazed at him for
some minutes； with a mixture of pleasure and regret； which made
my heart gush with tenderness； then； taking him by the hand； 'Ah；
Sam （said I） forty years ago I little thought' I was too much
moved to proceed。 'An old friend； sure enough！ （cried he；
squeezing my hand； and surveying me eagerly through his glasses）
I know the looming of the vessel； though she has been hard
strained since we parted； but I can't heave up