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confessions of an english opium-eater-第16章

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。  I am not 〃PARTICULAR;〃 as people say; whether it be snow; or black frost; or wind so strong that (as Mr。says) 〃you may lean your back against it like a post。〃  I can put up even with rain; provided it rains cats and dogs; but something of the sort I must have; and if I have it not; I think myself in a manner ill…used; for why am I called on to pay so heavily for winter; in coals and candles; and various privations that will occur even to gentlemen; if I am not to have the article good of its kind?  No; a Canadian winter for my money; or a Russian one; where every man is but a co…proprietor with the north wind in the fee…simple of his own ears。  Indeed; so great an epicure am I in this matter that I cannot relish a winter night fully if it be much past St。 Thomas's day; and have degenerated into disgusting tendencies to vernal appearances。 No; it must be divided by a thick wall of dark nights from all return of light and sunshine。  From the latter weeks of October to Christmas Eve; therefore; is the period during which happiness is in season; which; in my judgment; enters the room with the tea…tray; for tea; though ridiculed by those who are naturally of coarse nerves; or are become so from wine…drinking; and are not susceptible of influence from so refined a stimulant; will always be the favourite beverage of the intellectual; and; for my part; I would have joined Dr。 Johnson in a bellum internecinum against Jonas Hanway; or any other impious person; who should presume to disparage it。  But here; to save myself the trouble of too much verbal description; I will introduce a painter; and give him directions for the rest of the picture。  Painters do not like white cottages; unless a good deal weather…stained; but as the reader now understands that it is a winter night; his services will not be required except for the inside of the house。

Paint me; then; a room seventeen feet by twelve; and not more than seven and a half feet high。  This; reader; is somewhat ambitiously styled in my family the drawing…room; but being contrived 〃a double debt to pay;〃 it is also; and more justly; termed the library; for it happens that books are the only article of property in which I am richer than my neighbours。  Of these I have about five thousand; collected gradually since my eighteenth year。  Therefore; painter; put as many as you can into this room。  Make it populous with books; and; furthermore; paint me a good fire; and furniture plain and modest; befitting the unpretending cottage of a scholar。  And near the fire paint me a tea…table; and (as it is clear that no creature can come to see one such a stormy night) place only two cups and saucers on the tea…tray; and; if you know how to paint such a thing symbolically or otherwise; paint me an eternal tea…poteternal a parte ante and a parte postfor I usually drink tea from eight o'clock at night to four o'clock in the morning。  And as it is very unpleasant to make tea or to pour it out for oneself; paint me a lovely young woman sitting at the table。  Paint her arms like Aurora's and her smiles like Hebe's。  But no; dear M。; not even in jest let me insinuate that thy power to illuminate my cottage rests upon a tenure so perishable as mere personal beauty; or that the witchcraft of angelic smiles lies within the empire of any earthly pencil。  Pass then; my good painter; to something more within its power; and the next article brought forward should naturally be myselfa picture of the Opium…eater; with his 〃little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug〃 lying beside him on the table。 As to the opium; I have no objection to see a picture of THAT; though I would rather see the original。  You may paint it if you choose; but I apprise you that no 〃little〃 receptacle would; even in 1816; answer MY purpose; who was at a distance from the 〃stately Pantheon;〃 and all druggists (mortal or otherwise)。  No; you may as well paint the real receptacle; which was not of gold; but of glass; and as much like a wine…decanter as possible。  Into this you may put a quart of ruby…coloured laudanum; that; and a book of German Metaphysics placed by its side; will sufficiently attest my being in the neighbourhood。  But as to myselfthere I demur。  I admit that; naturally; I ought to occupy the foreground of the picture; that being the hero of the piece; or (if you choose) the criminal at the bar; my body should be had into court。  This seems reasonable; but why should I confess on this point to a painter? or why confess at all?  If the public (into whose private ear I am confidentially whispering my confessions; and not into any painter's) should chance to have framed some agreeable picture for itself of the Opium… eater's exterior; should have ascribed to him; romantically an elegant person or a handsome face; why should I barbarously tear from it so pleasing a delusionpleasing both to the public and to me?  No; paint me; if at all; according to your own fancy; and as a painter's fancy should teem with beautiful creations; I cannot fail in that way to be a gainer。  And now; reader; we have run through all the ten categories of my condition as it stood about 1816…17; up to the middle of which latter year I judge myself to have been a happy man; and the elements of that happiness I have endeavoured to place before you in the above sketch of the interior of a scholar's library; in a cottage among the mountains; on a stormy winter evening。

But now; farewella long farewellto happiness; winter or summer! Farewell to smiles and laughter!  Farewell to peace of mind! Farewell to hope and to tranquil dreams; and to the blessed consolations of sleep。  For more than three years and a half I am summoned away from these。  I am now arrived at an Iliad of woes; for I have now to record


THE PAINS OF OPIUM


As when some great painter dips His pencil in the gloom of earthquake and eclipse。 SHELLEY'S Revolt of Islam。

Reader; who have thus far accompanied me; I must request your attention to a brief explanatory note on three points:

1。  For several reasons I have not been able to compose the notes for this part of my narrative into any regular and connected shape。 I give the notes disjointed as I find them; or have now drawn them up from memory。  Some of them point to their own date; some I have dated; and some are undated。  Whenever it could answer my purpose to transplant them from the natural or chronological order; I have not scrupled to do so。  Sometimes I speak in the present; sometimes in the past tense。  Few of the notes; perhaps; were written exactly at the period of time to which they relate; but this can little affect their accuracy; as the impressions were such that they can never fade from my mind。  Much has been omitted。  I could not; without effort; constrain myself to the task of either recalling; or constructing into a regular narrative; the whole burthen of horrors which lies upon my brain。  This feeling partly I plead in excuse; and partly that I am now in London; and am a helpless sort of person; who cannot even arrange his own papers without assistance; and I am separated from the hands which are wont to perform for me the offices of an amanuensis。

2。  You will think perhaps that I am too confidential and communicative of my own private history。  It may be so。  But my way of writing is rather to think aloud; and follow my own humours; than much to consider who is listening to me; and if I stop to consider what is proper to be said to this or that person; I shall soon come to doubt whether any part at all is proper。  The fact is; I place myself at a distance of fifteen or twenty years ahead of this time; and suppose myself writing to those who will be interested about me hereafter; and wishing to have some record of time; the entire history of which no one can know but myself; I do it as fully as I am able with the efforts I am now capable of making; because I know not whether I can ever find time to do it again。

3。  It will occur to you often to ask; why did I not release myself from the horrors of opium by leaving it off or diminishing it?  To this I must answer briefly:  it might be supposed that I yielded to the fascinations of opium too easily; it cannot be supposed that any man can be charmed by its terrors。  The reader may be sure; therefore; that I made attempts innumerable to reduce the quantity。 I add; that those who witnessed the agonies of those attempts; and not myself; were the first to beg me to desist。  But could not have I reduced it a drop a day; or; by adding water; have bisected or trisected a drop?  A thousand drops bisected would thus have taken nearly six years to reduce; and that way would certainly not have answered。  But this is a common mistake of those who know nothing of opium experimentally; I appeal to those who do; whether it is not always found that down to a certain point it can be reduced with ease and even pleasure; but that after that point further reduction causes intense suffering。  Yes; say many thoughtless persons; who know not what they are talking of; you will suffer a little low spirits and dejection for a few days。  I answer; no; there is nothing like low spirits; on the contrary; the mere animal spirits are uncommonly raised:  the pulse is improved:  the he
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