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his companion's； and waited until the latter should open the conversation。
But plans even the most skilfully matured are often thwarted in the outset
of their application … and the restaurateur found himself nonplussed by
the very first words of his visiter's speech。
〃I see you know me； Bon…Bon；〃 said he； 〃ha！ ha！ ha！ … he！ he！ he！ …
hi！ hi！ hi！ … ho！ ho！ ho！ … hu！ hu！ hu！〃 … and the devil； dropping at once
the sanctity of his demeanor； opened to its fullest extent a mouth from
ear to ear； so as to display a set of jagged and fang…like teeth； and；
throwing back his head； laughed long； loudly； wickedly； and uproariously；
while the black dog； crouching down upon his haunches； joined lustily in
the chorus； and the tabby cat； flying off at a tangent； stood up on end；
and shrieked in the farthest corner of the apartment。
Not so the philosopher； he was too much a man of the world either to
laugh like the dog； or by shrieks to betray the indecorous trepidation of
the cat。 It must be confessed； he felt a little astonishment to see the
white letters which formed the words 〃Rituel Catholique〃 on the book in
his guest's pocket； momently changing both their color and their import；
and in a few seconds； in place of the original title the words Regitre des
Condamnes blazed forth in characters of red。 This startling circumstance；
when Bon…Bon replied to his visiter's remark； imparted to his manner an
air of embarrassment which probably might； not otherwise have been
observed。
〃Why sir；〃 said the philosopher； 〃why sir； to speak sincerely … I I
imagine … I have some faint … some very faint idea … of the remarkable
honor…〃
〃Oh！ … ah！ … yes！ … very well！〃 interrupted his Majesty； 〃say no more
… I see how it is。〃 And hereupon； taking off his green spectacles； he
wiped the glasses carefully with the sleeve of his coat； and deposited
them in his pocket。
If Bon…Bon had been astonished at the incident of the book； his
amazement was now much increased by the spectacle which here presented
itself to view。 In raising his eyes； with a strong feeling of curiosity to
ascertain the color of his guest's； he found them by no means black； as he
had anticipated … nor gray； as might have been imagined … nor yet hazel
nor blue … nor indeed yellow nor red … nor purple … nor white … nor green
… nor any other color in the heavens above； or in the earth beneath； or in
the waters under the earth。 In short； Pierre Bon…Bon not only saw plainly
that his Majesty had no eyes whatsoever； but could discover no indications
of their having existed at any previous period … for the space where eyes
should naturally have been was； I am constrained to say； simply a dead
level of flesh。
It was not in the nature of the metaphysician to forbear making some
inquiry into the sources of so strange a phenomenon； and the reply of his
Majesty was at once prompt； dignified； and satisfactory。
〃Eyes！ my dear Bon…Bon … eyes！ did you say？ … oh！ … ah！ … I perceive！
The ridiculous prints； eh； which are in； circulation； have given you a
false idea of my personal appearance？ Eyes！ … true。 Eyes； Pierre Bon…Bon；
are very well in their proper place … that； you would say； is the head？ …
right … the head of a worm。 To you； likewise； these optics are
indispensable … yet I will convince you that my vision is more penetrating
than your own。 There is a cat I see in the corner … a pretty cat… look at
her … observe her well。 Now； Bon…Bon； do you behold the thoughts … the
thoughts； I say； … the ideas … the reflections … which are being
engendered in her pericranium？ There it is； now … you do not！ She is
thinking we admire the length of her tail and the profundity of her mind。
She has just concluded that I am the most distinguished of ecclesiastics；
and that you are the most superficial of metaphysicians。 Thus you see I am
not altogether blind； but to one of my profession； the eyes you speak of
would be merely an incumbrance； liable at any time to be put out by a
toasting…iron； or a pitchfork。 To you； I allow； these optical affairs are
indispensable。 Endeavor； Bon…Bon； to use them well； … my vision is the
soul。〃
Hereupon the guest helped himself to the wine upon the table； and
pouring out a bumper for Bon…Bon； requested him to drink it without
scruple； and make himself perfectly at home。
〃A clever book that of yours； Pierre；〃 resumed his Majesty； tapping
our friend knowingly upon the shoulder； as the latter put down his glass
after a thorough compliance with his visiter's injunction。 〃A clever book
that of yours； upon my honor。 It's a work after my own heart。 Your
arrangement of the matter； I think； however； might be improved； and many
of your notions remind me of Aristotle。 That philosopher was one of my
most intimate acquaintances。 I liked him as much for his terrible ill
temper； as for his happy knack at making a blunder。 There is only one
solid truth in all that he has written； and for that I gave him the hint
out of pure compassion for his absurdity。 I suppose； Pierre Bon…Bon； you
very well know to what divine moral truth I am alluding？〃
〃Cannot say that I …〃
〃Indeed！ … why it was I who told Aristotle that by sneezing； men
expelled superfluous ideas through the proboscis。〃
〃Which is … hiccup！ … undoubtedly the case；〃 said the metaphysician； while
he poured out for himself another bumper of Mousseux； and offered his
snuff…box to the fingers of his visiter。
〃There was Plato； too；〃 continued his Majesty； modestly declining the
snuff…box and the compliment it implied … 〃there was Plato； too； for whom
I； at one time； felt all the affection of a friend。 You knew Plato；
Bon…Bon？ … ah； no； I beg a thousand pardons。 He met me at Athens； one day；
in the Parthenon； and told me he was distressed for an idea。 I bade him
write； down that o nous estin aulos。 He said that he would do so； and went
home； while I stepped over to the pyramids。 But my conscience smote me for
having uttered a truth； even to aid a friend； and hastening back to
Athens； I arrived behind the philosopher's chair as he was inditing the
'aulos。'〃
〃Giving the lambda a fillip with my finger； I turned it upside down。
So the sentence now read 'o nous estin augos'； and is； you perceive； the
fundamental doctrines in his metaphysics。〃
〃Were you ever at Rome？〃 asked the restaurateur； as he finished his
second bottle of Mousseux； and drew from the closet a larger supply of
Chambertin。
But once； Monsieur Bon…Bon； but once。 There was a time；〃 said the
devil； as if reciting some passage from a book … 〃there was a time when
occurred an anarchy of five years； during which the republic； bereft of
all its officers； had no magistracy besides the tribunes of the people；
and these were not legally vested with any degree of executive power … at
that time； Monsieur Bon…Bon … at that time only I was in Rome； and I have
no earthly acquaintance； consequently； with any of its philosophy。〃*
｛*2｝ Ils ecrivaient sur la Philosophie （_Cicero； Lucretius； Seneca_） mais
c'etait la Philosophie Grecque。 … _Condorcet_。
〃What do you think of … what do you think of … hiccup！ … Epicurus？〃
〃What do I think of whom？〃 said the devil； in astonishment； 〃you
cannot surely mean to find any fault with Epicurus！ What do I think of
Epicurus！ Do you mean me； sir？ … I am Epicurus！ I am the same philosopher
who wrote each of the three hundred treatises commemorated by Diogenes
Laertes。〃
〃That's a lie！〃 said the metaphysician； for the wine had gotten a
little into his head。
〃Very well！ … very well； sir！ … very well； indeed； sir！〃 said his
Majesty； apparently much flattered。
〃That's a lie！〃 repeated the restaurateur； dogmatically； 〃that's a …
hiccup！ … a lie！〃
〃Well； well； have it your own way！〃 said the devil； pacifically； and
Bon…Bon； having beaten his Majesty at argument； thought it his duty to
conclude a second bottle of Chambertin。
〃As I was saying；〃 resumed the visiter … 〃as I was observing a little
while ago； there are some very outre notions in that book of yours
Monsieur Bon…Bon。 What； for instance； do you mean by all that humbug about
the soul？ Pray； sir； what is the soul？〃
〃The … hiccup！ … soul；〃 replied the metaphysician； referring to his
MS。； 〃is undoubtedly…〃
〃No； sir！〃
〃Indubitably…〃
〃No； sir！〃
〃Indisputably…〃
〃No； sir！〃
〃Evidently…〃
〃No； sir！〃
〃Incontrovertibly…〃
〃No； sir！〃
〃Hiccup！ …〃
〃No； sir！〃
〃And beyond all question； a…〃
〃No sir； the soul is no such thing！〃 （Here the philosopher； looking
daggers； took occasion to make an end； upon the spot； of his third bottle
of Chambertin。）
〃Then … hic…cup！ … pray； sir … what … what is it？〃
〃That is neither here nor there； Monsieur Bon…Bon；〃 replied his
Majesty； musingly。 〃I have tasted … that is to say； I have known some very
bad souls； and some too … pretty good ones。〃 Here he smacked his lips；
and； having unconsciously let fall his hand upon the volume in his pocket；
was seized with a violent fit of sneezing。
He continued。
〃There was the soul of Cratinus … passable： Aris