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That's nice。 Poor girl。〃
〃Do you know what happened to her？〃
〃Mauled by a bear； up north； during salmon spawning season—horrible accident
It was more than a year
ago now。 I heard Sam was really messed up over it。〃
〃That's horrible；〃 I echoed。 More than a year ago。 I'd bet that meant it had
happened when there was just
one werewolf in La Push。 I shuddered at the thought of how Sam must have felt
every time he looked at
Emily's face。
That night； I lay awake for a long time trying to sort through the day。 I
worked my way backward
through dinner with Billy； Jacob； and C harlie； to the long afternoon in the
Blacks' house； waiting
anxiously to hear something from Jacob； to Emily's kitchen； to the horror of
the werewolf fight； to talking
with Jacob on the beach。
I thought about what Jacob had said early this morning； about hypocrisy。 I
thought about that for a long
time。 I didn't like to think that I was a hypocrite； only what was the point
of lying to myself？
I curled into a tight ball。 No； Edward wasn't a killer。 Even in his darker
past； he'd never been a murderer
of innocents； at least。
But what if he had been？ What if； during the time I that I'd known him； he'd
been just like any other
vampire？ What if people had been disappearing from the woods； just like now？
Would that have kept
me away from him？
I shook my head sadly。 Love is irrational； I reminded myself。 The more you
loved someone； the less
sense anything made。
I rolled over and tried to think of something else—and I thought of Jacob and
his brothers； out running in
the darkness。 I fell asleep imagining the wolves； invisible in the night；
guarding me from danger。 When I
dreamed； I stood in the forest again； but I didn't wander。 I was holding
Emily's scarred hand as we faced
into the shadows and waited anxiously for our werewolves to e home。
15。 PRESSURE
IT WAS SPRING BREAK IN FORKS AGAIN。 WHEN I WOKE UP on Monday morning； I lay in
bed for a few seconds absorbing that。 Last spring break； I'd been hunted by a
vampire； too。 I hoped this
wasn't some kind of tradition forming。
Already I was falling into the pattern of things in La Push。 I'd spent Sunday
mostly on the beach； while
Charlie hung out with Billy at the Blacks' house。 I was supposed to be with
Jacob； but Jacob had other
things to do； so I wandered alone； keeping the secret from Charlie。
When Jacob dropped in to check on me； he apologized for ditching me so much。
He told me his
schedule wasn't always this crazy； but until Victoria was stopped； the wolves
were on red alert。
When we walked along the beach now； he always held my hand。
This made me brood over what Jared had said； about Jacob involving his
〃girlfriend。〃 I supposed that that
was exactly what it looked like from the outside。 As long as Jake and I knew
how it really was； I
shouldn't let those kinds of assumptions bother me。 And maybe they wouldn't；
if I hadn't known that
Jacob would have loved for things to be what they appeared。 But his hand felt
nice as it warmed mine；
and I didn't protest。
I worked Tuesday afternoon—Jacob followed me on his bike to make sure I
arrived safely—and Mike
noticed。
〃Are you dating that kid from La Push？ The sophomore？〃 He asked； poorly
disguising the resentment in
his tone。
I shrugged。 〃Not in the technical sense of the word。 I do spent most of my
time with Jacob； though。 He's
my best friend。〃
Mike's eyes narrowed shrewdly。 〃Don't kid yourself； Bella。 The guy's head over
heels for you。〃
〃I know；〃 I sighed。 〃Life is plicated。〃
〃And girls are cruel；〃 Mike said under his breath。
I supposed that was an easy assumption to make； too。
That night； Sam and Emily joined Charlie and me for dessert at Billy's house。
Emily brought a cake that
would have won over a harder man than Charlie。 I could see； as the
conversation flowed naturally
through a range of casual subjects； that any worries Charlie might have
harbored about gangs in La Push
were being dissolved。
Jake and I skipped out early； to get some privacy。 We went out to his garage
and sat in the Rabbit。
Jacob leaned his head back； his face drawn with exhaustion。
〃You need some sleep； Jake。〃
〃I'll get around to it。〃
He reached over and took my hand。 His skin was blazing on mine。
〃Is that one of those wolf things？〃 I asked him。 〃The heat； I mean。〃
〃Yeah。 We run a little warmer than the normal people。 About one…oh…eight； one
…oh…nine。 I never get cold
anymore。 I could stand like this〃—he gestured to his bare torso—〃in a
snowstorm and it wouldn't bother
me。 The flakes would turn to rain where I stood。〃
〃And you all heal fast—that's a wolf thing； too？〃
〃Yeah； wanna see？ It's pretty cool。〃 His eyes flipped open and he grinned。 He
reached around me to the
glove partment and dug around for a minute。 His hand came out with a
pocketknife。
〃No； I do not want to see！〃 I shouted as soon as I realized what he was
thinking。 〃Put that away！〃
Jacob chuckled； but shoved the knife back where it belonged。 〃Fine。 It's a
good thing we heal； though。
You can't go see just any doctor when you're running a temperature that should
mean you're dead。〃
〃No； I guess not。〃 I thought about that for a minute。 〃 And being so big—
that's part of it？ Is that why
you're all worried about Quil？〃
〃That and the fact that Quil's grandfather says the kid could fry an egg on
his forehead。〃 Jacob's face
turned hopeless。 〃It won't be long now。 There's no exact age it just builds
and builds and then
suddenly—〃 He broke off； and it was a moment before he could speak again。
〃Sometimes； if you get
really upset or something； that can trigger it early。 But I wasn't upset about
anything—I was happy。〃 He
laughed bitterly。 〃Because of you； mostly。 That's why it didn't happen to me
sooner。 Instead it just kept
on building up inside me—I was like a time bomb。 You know what set me off？ I
got back from that
movie and Billy said I looked weird。 That was all； but I just snapped。 And
then I—I exploded。 I almost
ripped his face off—my own father！〃 He shuddered； and his face paled。
〃Is it really bad； Jake？〃 I asked anxiously； wishing I had some way to help
him。 〃Are you miserable？〃
〃No； I'm not miserable；〃 he told me。 〃Not anymore。 Not now that you know。 That
was hard； before。〃 He
leaned over so that his cheek was resting on top of my head。
He was quiet for a moment； and I wondered what he was thinking about。 Maybe I
didn't want to know。
〃What's the hardest part？〃 I whispered； still wishing I could help。
〃The hardest part is feeling out of control；〃 he said slowly。 〃Feeling like
I can't be sure of myself—like
maybe you shouldn't be around me； like maybe nobody should。 Like I'm a monster
who might hurt
somebody。 You've seen Emily。 Sam lost control of his temper for just one
second and she was
standing too close。 And now there's nothing he can ever do to put it right
again。 I hear his thoughts—I
know what that feels like
〃Who wants to be a nightmare； a monster？
〃And then； the way it es so easily to me； the way I'm better at it than the
rest of them—does that
make me even less human than Enbry or Sam？ Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm
losing myself。〃
〃Is it hard？ To find yourself again？〃
〃At first；〃 he said。 〃It takes some practice to phase back and forth。 But it's
easier tor me。〃
〃Why？〃 I wondered。
〃Because Ephraim Black was my father's grandfather； and Quil Ateara was my
mother's grandfather。〃
〃Quil？〃 I asked in confusion。
〃His great…grandfather；〃 Jacob clarified。 〃The Quil you know is my second
cousin。〃
〃But why does it matter who your great…grandfathers are？〃
〃Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack。 Levi Uley was the third。 It's
in my blood on both sides。
I never had a chance。 Like Quil doesn't have a chance。〃
His expression was bleak。
〃What's the very best part？〃 I asked； hoping to cheer him up。
〃The best part；〃 he said； suddenly smiling again； 〃is the speed。〃
〃Better than the motorcycles？〃
He nodded； enthusiastic。 〃There's no parison。〃
〃How fast can you ？〃
〃Run？〃 he finished my question。 〃Fast enough。 What can I measure it by？ We
caught what was his
name？ Laurent？ I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone
else。〃
It did mean something to me。 I couldn't imagine that—the wolves running
faster than a vampire。 When the
Cullens ran； they all but turned invisible with speed。
〃So； tell me something I don't know；〃 he said。 〃Something about vampires。 How
did you stand it； being
around them？ Didn't it creep you out？〃
〃No；〃 I said curtly。
My tone made him thoughtful for a moment。
〃Say； why'd your bloodsucker kill that James； anyway？〃 he asked suddenly。
〃James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him。 He lost。 Do you
remember last spring when I
was in the hospital down in Phoenix？〃
Jacob sucked in a breath。 〃He got that close？〃
〃He got very； very close。〃 I stroked my scar。 Jacob noticed； because he held
the hand I moved。
〃What's that？〃 He traded hands； examining my right。 〃This is your funny scar；
the cold one。〃 He looked at
it closer； with new eyes； and gasped。