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'Your plaint； Mrs Merdle？' said Mr Merdle。 'I didn't know that you
were suffering from a plaint。 What plaint？'
'A plaint of you；' said Mrs Merdle。
'Oh！ A plaint of me；' said Mr Merdle。 'What is the……what have I……what
may you have to plain of in me； Mrs Merdle？' In his withdrawing；
abstracted； pondering way； it took him some time to shape this question。
As a kind of faint attempt to convince himself that he was the master of
the house； he concluded by presenting his forefinger to the parrot； who
expressed his opinion on that subject by instantly driving his bill into
it。
'You were saying； Mrs Merdle；' said Mr Merdle； with his wounded finger
in his mouth； 'that you had a plaint against me？'
'A plaint which I could scarcely show the justice of more
emphatically； than by having to repeat it；' said Mrs Merdle。 'I might as
well have stated it to the wall。 I had far better have stated it to the
bird。 He would at least have screamed。'
'You don't want me to scream； Mrs Merdle； I suppose；' said Mr Merdle；
taking a chair。
'Indeed I don't know；' retorted Mrs Merdle； 'but that you had better do
that； than be so moody and distraught。 One would at least know that you
were sensible of what was going on around you。'
'A man might scream； and yet not be that； Mrs Merdle；' said Mr Merdle；
heavily。
'And might be dogged； as you are at present； without screaming；'
returned Mrs Merdle。 'That's very true。 If you wish to know the
plaint I make against you； it is； in so many plain words； that you
really ought not to go into Society unless you can acmodate yourself
to Society。'
Mr Merdle； so twisting his hands into what hair he had upon his head
that he seemed to lift himself up by it as he started out of his chair；
cried： 'Why； in the name of all the infernal powers； Mrs Merdle； who
does more for Society than I do？ Do you see these premises； Mrs Merdle？
Do you see this furniture； Mrs Merdle？ Do you look in the glass and see
yourself； Mrs Merdle？ Do you know the cost of all this； and who it's
all provided for？ And yet will you tell me that I oughtn't to go into
Society？ I； who shower money upon it in this way？ I； who might always be
said……to……to……to harness myself to a watering…cart full of money； and go
about saturating Society every day of my life。'
'Pray； don't be violent； Mr Merdle；' said Mrs Merdle。
'Violent？' said Mr Merdle。 'You are enough to make me desperate。 You
don't know half of what I do to acmodate Society。 You don't know
anything of the sacrifices I make for it。'
'I know；' returned Mrs Merdle； 'that you receive the best in the land。 I
know that you move in the whole Society of the country。 And I believe
I know （indeed； not to make any ridiculous pretence about it； I know I
know） who sustains you in it； Mr Merdle。'
'Mrs Merdle；' retorted that gentleman； wiping his dull red and yellow
face； 'I know that as well as you do。 If you were not an ornament to
Society； and if I was not a benefactor to Society； you and I would never
have e together。 When I say a benefactor to it； I mean a person who
provides it with all sorts of expensive things to eat and drink and look
at。 But； to tell me that I am not fit for it after all I have done
for it……after all I have done for it；' repeated Mr Merdle； with a wild
emphasis that made his wife lift up her eyelids； 'after all……all！……to
tell me I have no right to mix with it after all； is a pretty reward。'
'I say；' answered Mrs Merdle posedly； 'that you ought to make
yourself fit for it by being more degage； and less preoccupied。 There is
a positive vulgarity in carrying your business affairs about with you as
you do。' 'How do I carry them about； Mrs Merdle？' asked Mr Merdle。
'How do you carry them about？' said Mrs Merdle。 'Look at yourself in the
glass。'
Mr Merdle involuntarily turned his eyes in the direction of the nearest
mirror； and asked； with a slow determination of his turbid blood to his
temples； whether a man was to be called to account for his digestion？
'You have a physician；' said Mrs Merdle。
'He does me no good；' said Mr Merdle。
Mrs Merdle changed her ground。
'Besides；' said she； 'your digestion is nonsense。 I don't speak of your
digestion。 I speak of your manner。' 'Mrs Merdle；' returned her husband；
'I look to you for that。 You supply manner； and I supply money。'
'I don't expect you；' said Mrs Merdle； reposing easily among her
cushions； 'to captivate people。 I don't want you to take any trouble
upon yourself； or to try to be fascinating。 I simply request you to care
about nothing……or seem to care about nothing……as everybody else does。'
'Do I ever say I care about anything？' asked Mr Merdle。
'Say？ No！ Nobody would attend to you if you did。 But you show it。'
'Show what？ What do I show？' demanded Mr Merdle hurriedly。
'I have already told you。 You show that you carry your business cares
an projects about； instead of leaving them in the City； or wherever else
they belong to；' said Mrs Merdle。 'Or seeming to。 Seeming would be quite
enough： I ask no more。 Whereas you couldn't be more occupied with your
day's calculations and binations than you habitually show yourself to
be； if you were a carpenter。'
'A carpenter！' repeated Mr Merdle； checking something like a groan。
'I shouldn't so much mind being a carpenter； Mrs Merdle。'
'And my plaint is；' pursued the lady； disregarding the low remark；
'that it is not the tone of Society； and that you ought to correct
it； Mr Merdle。 If you have any doubt of my judgment； ask even Edmund
Sparkler。' The door of the room had opened； and Mrs Merdle now surveyed
the head of her son through her glass。 'Edmund； we want you here。'
Mr Sparkler； who had merely put in his head and looked round the room
without entering （as if he were searching the house for that young lady
with no nonsense about her）； upon this followed up his head with his
body； and stood before them。 To whom； in a few easy words adapted to his
capacity； Mrs Merdle stated the question at issue。
The young gentleman； after anxiously feeling his shirt…collar as if it
were his pulse and he were hypochondriacal； observed； 'That he had heard
it noticed by fellers。'
'Edmund Sparkler has heard it noticed；' said Mrs Merdle； with languid
triumph。 'Why； no doubt everybody has heard it noticed！' Which in truth
was no unreasonable inference； seeing that Mr Sparkler would probably be
the last person； in any assemblage of the human species； to receive an
impression from anything that passed in his presence。
'And Edmund Sparkler will tell you； I dare say；' said Mrs Merdle； waving
her favourite hand towards her husband； 'how he has heard it noticed。'
'I couldn't；' said Mr Sparkler； after feeling his pulse as before；
'couldn't undertake to say what led to it……'cause memory desperate
loose。 But being in pany with the brother of a doosed fine gal……well
educated too……with no biggodd nonsense about her……at the period alluded
to……'
'There！ Never mind the sister；' remarked Mrs Merdle； a little
impatiently。 'What did the brother say？'
'Didn't say a word； ma'am；' answered Mr Sparkler。 'As silent a feller as
myself。 Equally hard up for a remark。'
'Somebody said something；' returned Mrs Merdle。 'Never mind who it was。'
（'Assure you I don't in the least；' said Mr Sparkler。）
'But tell us what it was。'
Mr Sparkler referred to his pulse again； and put himself through some
severe mental discipline before he replied：
'Fellers referring to my Governor……expression not my own……occasionally
pliment my Governor in a very handsome way on being immensely rich
and knowing……perfect phenomenon of Buyer and Banker and that……but say
the Shop sits heavily on him。 Say he carried the Shop about； on his back
rather……like Jew clothesmen with too much business。'
'Which；' said Mrs Merdle； rising； with her floating drapery about her；
'is exactly my plaint。 Edmund； give me your arm up…stairs。'
Mr Merdle； left alone to meditate on a better conformation of himself to
Society； looked out of nine windows in succession； and appeared to
see nine wastes of space。 When he had thus entertained himself he went
down…stairs； and looked intently at all the carpets on the ground…floor；
and then came up…stairs again； and looked intently at all the carpets
on the first…floor； as if they were gloomy depths； in unison with his
oppressed soul。 Through all the rooms he wandered； as he always did；
like the last person on earth who had any business to approach them。 Let
Mrs Merdle announce； with all her might； that she was at Home ever
so many nights in a season； she could not announce more widely and
unmistakably than Mr Merdle did that he was never at home。
At last he met the chief butler； the sight of which splendid retainer
always finished him。 Extinguished by this great creature； he sneaked
to his dressing…room； and there remained shut up until he rode out to
dinner； with Mrs Merdle； in her own handsome chariot。 At dinner； he was
envied and flattered as a being of might； was Treasuried； Barred； and
Bishoped； as much as he would； and an hour after midnight came home
alone； and being instantly put out again in his own hall； like a
rushlight； by the chief butler； wen