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四季随笔-the private papers of henry ryecroft(英文版)-第4章

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ible was the gratification of such desire that it never greatly troubled me。 At times; indeed; I seem all but to have forgotten that people went away for holiday。 In those poor parts of the town where I dwelt; season made no perceptible difference; there were no luggage… laden cabs to remind me of joyous journeys; the folk about me went daily to their toil as usual; and so did I。 I remember afternoons of languor; when books were a weariness; and no thought could be squeezed out of the drowsy brain; then would I betake myself to one of the parks; and find refreshment without any enjoyable sense of change。 Heavens; how I laboured in those days! And how far I was from thinking of myself as a subject for passion! That came later; when my health had begun to suffer from excess of toil; from bad air; bad food and many miseries; then awoke the maddening desire for countryside and sea…beach……and for other things yet more remote。 But in the years when I toiled hardest and underwent what now appear to me hideous privations; of a truth I could not be said to suffer at all。 I did not suffer; for I had no sense of weakness。 My health was proof against everything; and my energies defied all malice of circumstance。 With however little encouragement; I had infinite hope。 Sound sleep (often in places I now dread to think of) sent me fresh to the battle each morning; my breakfast; sometimes; no more than a slice of bread and a cup of water。 As human happiness goes; I am not sure that I was not then happy。
Most men who go through a hard time in their youth are supported by panionship。 London has no pays latin; but hungry beginners in literature have generally their suitable rades; garreteers in the Tottenham Court Road district; or in unredeemed Chelsea; they make their little vie de Boheme; and are consciously proud of it。 Of my position; the peculiarity was that I never belonged to any cluster; I shrank from casual acquaintance; and; through the grim years; had but one friend with whom I held converse。 It was never my instinct to look for help; to seek favour for advancement; whatever step I gained was gained by my own strength。 Even as I disregarded favour so did I scorn advice; no counsel would I ever take but that of my own brain and heart。 More than once I was driven by necessity to beg from strangers the means of earning bread; and this of all my experiences was the bitterest; yet I think I should have found it worse still to incur a debt to some friend or rade。 The truth is that I have never learnt to regard myself as a 〃member of society。〃 For me; there have always been two entities……myself and the world; and the normal relation between these two has been hostile。 Am I not still a lonely man; as far as ever from forming part of the social order?
This; of which I once was scornfully proud; seems to me now; if not a calamity; something I would not choose if life were to live again。
IX
For more than six years I trod the pavement; never stepping once upon mother earth……for the parks are but pavement disguised with a growth of grass。 Then the worst was over。 Say I the worst? No; no; things far worse were to e; the struggle against starvation has its cheery side when one is young and vigorous。 But at all events I had begun to earn a living; I held assurance of food and clothing for half a year at a time; granted health; I might hope to draw my not insufficient wages for many a twelvemonth。 And they were the wages of work done independently; when and where I would。 I thought with horror of lives spent in an office; with an employer to obey。 The glory of the career of letters was its freedom; its dignity!
The fact of the matter was; of course; that I served; not one master; but a whole crowd of them。 Independence; forsooth! If my writing failed to please editor; publisher; public; where was my daily bread? The greater my success; the more numerous my employers。 I was the slave of a multitude。 By heaven's grace I had succeeded in pleasing (that is to say; in making myself a source of profit to) certain persons who represented this vague throng; for the time; they were gracious to me; but what justified me in the faith that I should hold the ground I had gained? Could the position of any toiling man be more precarious than mine? I tremble now as I think of it; tremble as I should in watching some one who walked carelessly on the edge of an abyss。 I marvel at the recollection that for a good score of years this pen and a scrap of paper clothed and fed me and my household; kept me in physical fort; held at bay all those hostile forces of the world ranged against one who has no resource save in his own right hand。
But I was thinking of the year which saw my first exodus from London。 On an irresistible impulse; I suddenly made up my mind to go into Devon; a part of England I had never seen。 At the end of March I escaped from my grim lodgings; and; before I had time to reflect on the details of my undertaking; I found myself sitting in sunshine at a spot very near to where I now dwell……before me the green valley of the broadening Exe and the pine…clad ridge of Haldon。 That was one of the moments of my life y state of mind was very strange。 Though as boy and youth I had been familiar with the country; had seen much of England's beauties; it was as though I found myself for the first time before a natural landscape。 Those years of London had obscured all my earlier life; I was like a man town…born and bred; who scarce knows anything but street vistas。 The light; the air; had for me something of the supernatural……affected me; indeed; only less than at a later time did the atmosphere of Italy。 It was glorious spring weather; a few white clouds floated amid the blue; and the earth had an intoxicating fragrance。 Then first did I know myself for a sun… worshipper。 How had I lived so long without asking whether there was a sun in the heavens or not? Under that radiant firmament; I could have thrown myself upon my knees in adoration。 As I walked; I found myself avoiding every strip of shadow; were it but that of a birch trunk; I felt as if it robbed me of the day's delight。 I went bare…headed; that the golden beams might shed upon me their unstinted blessing。 That day I must have walked some thirty miles; yet I knew not fatigue。 Could I but have once more the strength which then supported me!
I had stepped into a new life。 Between the man I had been and that which I now became there was a very notable difference。 In a single day I had matured astonishingly; which means; no doubt; that I suddenly entered into conscious enjoyment of powers and sensibilities which had been developing unknown to me。 To instance only one point: till then I had cared very little about plants and flowers; but now I found myself eagerly interested in every blossom; in every growth of the wayside。 As I walked I gathered a quantity of plants; promising myself to buy a book on the morrow and identify them all。 Nor was it a passing humour; never since have I lost my pleasure in the flowers of the field; and my desire to know them all。 My ignorance at the time of which I speak seems to me now very shameful; but I was merely in the case of ordinary people; whether living in town or country。 How many could give the familiar name of half a dozen plants plucked at random from beneath the hedge in springtime? To me the flowers became symbolical of a great release; of a wonderful awakening。 My eyes had all at once been opened; till then I had walked in darkness; yet knew it not。
Well do I remember the rambles of that springtide。 I had a lodging in one of those outer streets of Exeter which savour more of country than of town; and every morning I set forth to make discoveries。 The weather could not have been more kindly; I felt the influences of a climate I had never known; there was a balm in the air which soothed no less than it exhilarated me。 Now inland; now seaward; I followed the windings of the Exe。 One day I wandered in rich; warm valleys; by orchards bursting into bloom; from farmhouse to farmhouse; each more beautiful than the other; and from hamlet to hamlet bowered amid dark evergreens; the next; I was on pine…clad heights; gazing over moorland brown with last year's heather; feeling upon my face a wind from the white…flecked Channel。 So intense was my delight in the beautiful world about me that I forgot even myself; I enjoyed without retrospect or forecast; I; the egoist in grain; forgot to scrutinize my own emotions; or to trouble my happiness by parison with others' happier fortune。 It was a healthful time; it gave me a new lease of life; and taught me……in so far as I was teachable……how to make use of it。
X
Mentally and physically; I must be much older than my years。 At three…and…fifty a man ought not to be brooding constantly on his vanished youth。 These days of spring which I should be enjoying for their own sake; do but turn me to reminiscence; and my memories are of the springs that were lost。
Some day I will go to London and revisit all the places where I housed in the time of my greatest poverty。 I have not seen them for a quarter of a century or so。 Not long ago; had any one asked me how I felt about these memories; I should have said that there were certain street names; ce
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