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the invisible visible and the desire always to feel the invisible in one’s midst。
I could infer that Shekure was continually watching me because I’d been
listening to the sounds ing from within the house and to the creaking of
its wood boards。 At one point； I was absolutely certain she was with her
children in the next room； which opened onto the wide hallway…cum…
anteroom； I could hear the children pushing； shoving and sparring with each
other while their mother； perhaps； tried to quiet them with gestures；
threatening glances and knit brows。 Once in a while I heard them whispering
quite unnaturally； not as one would whisper to avoid disturbing someone’s
ritual prayers； but affectedly； as one would before erupting in a fit of laughter。
Another time； as their grandfather was explaining to me the wonders of
light and shadow； Shevket and Orhan entered the room； and with careful
gestures obviously rehearsed beforehand； proffered a tray and served us coffee。
This ceremony； which should’ve been Hayriye’s concern； was arranged by
Shekure so they could observe the man who might soon bee their father。
And so； I paid a pliment to Shevket： “What nice eyes you have。” Then； I
immediately turned to his younger brother； Orhan—sensing that he might
grow jealous—and added； “Yours are as well。” Next； I placed a faded red
carnation petal； which I’d fast produced from the folds of my robe； onto the
tray and kissed each boy on the cheeks。 Later still； I heard laughter and giggling
from within。
Frequently； I grew curious to know from which hole in the walls； the closed
doors； or perhaps； the ceiling； and from which angle； her eye was peering at
me。 Staring at a crack； knot or what I took to be a hole； I’d imagine Shekure
situated just behind it。 Suddenly； suspecting another black spot； and to
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determine whether I was justified in my suspicion—even at the risk of being
insolent toward my Enishte as he continued his endless recital—I’d stand up。
Affecting all the while the demeanor of an attentive disciple； quite enthralled
and quite lost in thought； in order to demonstrate how intent I was upon my
Enishte’s story； I’d begin pacing in the room with a preoccupied air； before
approaching that suspicious black spot on the wall。
When I failed to find Shekure’s eye nesting in what I had taken to be a
peephole； I’d be overe by disappointment； and then by a strange feeling of
loneliness； by the impatience of a man uncertain where to turn next。
Now and then； I’d experience such an abrupt and intense feeling that
Shekure was watching me； I’d be so absolutely convinced I was within her
gaze； that I’d start posing like a man trying to show he was wiser； stronger and
more capable than he really was so as to impress the woman he loved。 Later；
I’d fantasize that Shekure and her boys were paring me with her
husband—the boys’ missing father—before my mind would focus again upon
whichever variety of famous Veian illustrator about whose painting
techniques my Enishte was waxing philosophic at the moment。 I longed to be
like these newly famed painters solely because Shekure had heard so much
about them from her father； illustrators who had earned their renown—not
through suffering martyrdom in cells like saints； or through severing the heads
of enemy soldiers with a mighty arm and a sharp scimitar； as that absent
husband had done—but on account of a manuscript they’d transcribed or a
page they’d illuminated。 I tried very hard to imagine the magnificent pictures
created by these celebrated illustrators； who were； as my Enishte explained；
inspired by the power of the world’s mystery and its visible blackness。 I tried
so hard to visualize them—those masterpieces my Enishte had seen and was
now attempting to describe to one who had never laid eyes on them—that；
finally； when my imagination failed me； I felt only more dejected and
demeaned。
I looked up to discover that Shevket was before me again。 He approached
me decisively； and I assumed—as was customary for the oldest male child
among certain Arab tribes in Transoxiana and among Circassian tribes in the
Caucasus mountains—that he would not only kiss a guest’s hand at the
beginning of a visit； but also when that guest left。 Caught off guard； I
presented my hand for him to kiss。 At that moment； from somewhere not too
far away； I heard her laughter。 Was she laughing at me？ I became flustered and
to remedy the situation； I grabbed Shevket and kissed him on both cheeks as
though this were what was really expected of me。 Then I smiled at my Enishte
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as though to apologize for interrupting him and to assure him that I meant no
disrespect； while carefully drawing the child near to check whether he bore his
mother’s scent。 By the time I understood that the boy had placed a crumpled
scrap of paper into my hand； he’d long since turned his back and walked some
distance toward the door。
I clutched the scrap of paper in my fist like a jewel。 And when I understood
that this was a note from Shekure； out of elation I could scarcely keep from
grinning stupidly at my Enishte。 Wasn’t this proof enough that Shekure
passionately desired me？ Suddenly； I imagined us engaged in a mad frenzy of
lovemaking。 So profoundly convinced was I that this incredible event I’d
conjured was imminent that my manhood inappropriately began to rise—
there in the presence of my Enishte。 Had Shekure witnessed this？ I focused
intently on what my Enishte was explaining in order to redirect my
concentration。
Much later； while my Enishte came near to show me another illustrated
plate from his book； I discreetly unfolded the note； which smelled of
honeysuckle； only to discover that she’d left it pletely blank。 I couldn’t
believe my eyes and senselessly turned the paper over and over； examining it。
“A window；” said my Enishte。 “Using perspectival techniques is like
regarding the world from a window—what is that you are holding？”
“It’s nothing； Enishte Effendi；” I said。 When he looked away； I brought the
crumpled paper to my nose and deeply inhaled its scent。
After an afternoon meal； as I did not want to use my Enishte’s chamber
pot； I excused myself and went to the outhouse in the yard。 It was bitter cold。 I
had quickly seen to my concern without freezing my buttocks too much when
I saw that Shevket had slyly and silently appeared before me； blocking my way
like a brigand。 In his hands he held his grandfather’s full and steaming
chamber pot。 He entered the outhouse after me and emptied the pot。 He
exited and fixed his pretty eyes on mine as he puffed out his plump cheeks；
still holding the empty pot。
“Have you ever seen a dead cat？” he asked。 His nose was exactly like his
mother’s。 Was she watching us？ I looked around。 The shutters were closed on
the enchanted second…floor window in which I’d first seen Shekure after so
many years。
“Nay。”
“Shall I show you the dead cat in the house of the Hanged Jew？”
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He went out to the street without waiting for my response。 I followed him。
We walked forty or fifty paces along the muddy and icy path before entering
an unkempt garden。 Here； it smelled of wet and rotting leaves； and faintly of
mold。 With the confidence of a child who knew the place well； taking firm；
rhythmic steps； he entered through the door of a yellow house； which stood
before us almost hidden behind somber fig and almond trees。
The house was pletely empty； but it was dry and warm； as if somebody
were living there。
“Whose house is this？” I asked。
“The Jews‘。 When the man died； his wife and kids went to the Jewish
quarter over by the fruit…sellers’ quay。 They’re having Esther the clothier sell
the house。” He went into a corner of the room and returned。 “The cat’s gone；
it’s disappeared；” he said。
“Where would a dead cat go？”
“My grandfather says the dead wander。”
“Not the dead themselves；” I said。 “Their spirits wander。”
“How do you know？” he said。 He was holding the chamber pot tightly
against his lap in all seriousness。
“I just know。 Do you always e here？”
“My mother es here with Esther。 The living dead； risen from the grave；
e here at night； but I’m not afraid of this place。 Have you ever killed a
man？”
“Yes。”
“How many？”
“Not many。 Two。”
“With a sword？”
“With a sword。”
“Do their souls wander？”
“I don’t know。 According to what’s written in books； they must wander。”
“Uncle Hasan has a red sword。 It’s so sharp it’ll cut you if you just touch it。
And he has a dagger with a ruby…stu